as my memory rests , but never forget what i loss

A Year In Words

2011-12-29T23:38:00.003+08:00

Sometimes, you have to be someone else before you can discover who you truly are. I might have reached a point where I have concealed my emotions for so long that I don't know how to express them anymore. I can start, I can visualise the ending, but I can never continue on the journey, and I think this is going to be my downfall in life. Paralysed by paranoia, fueled by irrationality, killed by indecision. I think my aversion to talking about my problems originated from my inability to come to terms with some of my fears, that I would go too far down the rabbit hole and not being able to crawl back up. I think I cannot accept this dark side of me for fear that I can no longer become that glorified, idealised image I always picture myself to be Like the hapless creature trapped by circumstances, I have absolutely lost hope in everything and everyone around me that to continue hoping would be blinding oneself to the difficult and painful truth and the harsh realities of whatever problem is afflicting your life. when the simplest of joy is now the most complicated and the things which used to cheer me up no longer cheer me up as easily as they used to. If people can be inherently happy, then couldn't others be sad by nature as well. After building so many mental walls, could it be that cracks are starting to open up. Anyone who is responsible enough can be in a leadership position, but not everybody can be a leader in that role. You aren't afraid of the team collapsing when you aren't around; you're afraid of them succeeding without you. Such is the irony of working in logistics, for they will learn to build up an extensive network, but they exist only in a small circle; will develop numerous connections, but limited relationships. For once, I just want to feel appreciated. I want to be the kind of friend whom friends acknowledge as having made an impact in their life, the kind of person who made a difference in the lives of others. How firm we stand during those moments of torment might define us as a person. I am afraid that when the true temptation comes in my way, I would be the first to give in to it. I don't know why, but I can never bring myself to talk about my problems to anyone. I always needed time on my own. I say love is a lie. To the idealist, it is a noble trade - to serve and, well, to serve. To the altruistic, it is a worthy cause - contribution without decoration. To the realist, it is a needed profession - to be served and taken care of. It's a scary thought venturing into the realm of the unknown that is your future, your life, that has so many possibilities. whether I still doubt love or find love and get married. Everyone of us believes that we are meant for great things in life, and I too, suffer from that (dis)illusion of grandeur. Still I drown in tears of pain. To love is to risk not being loved in return. It is as though my life has always been revolving around others and my existence is built upon what others think of me. The desire to do well in my favourite teachers' subjects had always been my source of motivation even though, in the larger scheme of things, it is a very insecure way of leading life. Here is someone who thinks too much about decisions that he eventually becomes paralysed in thoughts; mindful enough to weigh in all the different factors till the point that there is no longer a "right" or "best" decision; and when a decision is finally made, it is often based on inconsequential aspects. Humans too have their individual shatter point. I ignored problems when I should really be facing up to them, not having the courage to accept certain facts and blatantly blinding myself to hard truths. The problem with repressed emotions and suppressed memories is that, they were never gone in the first place. These repressed emotions and suppressed memories, upon released from its mental cage, will haunt us back more violently. With all your fears and insecurities placed before you, paralysed by your own dark side which you never dared let out, you can only start breaking down and attempt to rebuild all your defences again. Many people have overestimated my ability and placed too much faith in me. "but what if I want to only be me?" "then who are you?" Truth be told, I don't see what's wrong in lowering your expectations so that people can finally please you. Right now I just want to lie in bed and talk to someone. Introverted, but prone to the occasional eccentrics and gibberish. Possibly bipolar. The unspoken side that love isn't as rosy or as splendid as many make it out to be. Creating the perfect first impression to make each other feel loved, only to be let down by heightened expectations. Easier to accept imperfections when we are exposed to it earlier, than to worship perfection first only to be shattered by its imperfection later on. On the day that I really do find love, that I can say with full confidence I know what love is, when I proclaim I'm in love, I'll post it down here for the world to see. Desperately trying to fit in. I started to mature and developed a huge sense of self-awareness. Trying to battle his own sense of self-worth, from inherent insecurities. Feelings such as attraction and infatuation. Care. Honesty. Service. Said person must have empathy, well-mannered and be a figure of influence. I have beautiful eyelashes. An ever stifling creativity. I realise that I do enjoy listening to and helping people. The need to be emotionally strong and mentally resilient. People's expectations are always getting to me. Stupid question begets stupid answers. High-end lifestyle I dream of leading. Still many things left incomplete, greater challenges yet to overcome. Matured sufficiently enough to not vacillate in my decisions as much as I used to have, understand myself better, and have a clearer picture of my future. Be on the path that I have laid for myself. Do some crazy stuffs without thinking of the consequences, take risks like we never risked before, find love(s) as driven by our hormones, splurge and learn to indulge. I'm actually the kind who wouldn't mind knowing when I die. Start to ignore the white noise around you. A great source of motivation to do many things you used to be too afraid of doing. Outlooks are grim and reasons to be happy, or even upbeat, are hard to come by. Any decisions we made in the present will have some sort of bearing on our future. Living for the future. Trying to stay strong the past few years all seemed like a waste. Everything I had done so far in life, all the difficult decisions I made, the turn I took at the fork in the road, all these count for something eventually. All of them build up to this grand finale. Life has been led meaningfully, that I had made a difference and left a mark on this world. Because you'd know that everything else you can survive.

To Days Gone By

2011-12-05T13:36:00.000+08:00

If pop culture was to be believed, then we would have slightly over a year left before the apocalypse. As such, we should all stop with our daily mundane routine and try to enjoy what could be our last year on earth - do some crazy stuffs without thinking of the consequences, take risks like we never risked before, find love(s) as driven by our hormones, splurge and learn to indulge. Seemed like the perfect way to live life, if not for the fact that it could be our last few pleasures we would ever get to experience. So, throw all your worries away and let us lead a hedonistic lifestyle as we anticipate the end of the world. Of course, if pop culture turned out to be wrong, and it isn't the first time (the world was prophesied to end on May 22 and later changed to October 21), then having thrown away all that we had and becoming a real-life Dorian Grey, it would really be the end of our world.

For all the uncertainty surrounding death, I'm actually the kind who wouldn't mind knowing when I die. This isn't the same as knowing what life has planned for you. Instead, it is just knowing 1 particular date, a day where your life will cease. It is a rather morbid interpretation of "fix your eyes on the finishing line", but knowing when you die will certainly help in planning and charting your life's paths. Your dreams become more concrete, you learn to be more focused on what you want out of life, you start to ignore the white noise around you, and with a greater sense of urgency, it drives you forward in accomplishing your goals. Knowing when you will die, you can make preparations and start living your mark on earth and the people around you while you were too uninspired to previously do so. People say that knowledge is power. Well, knowledge like knowing when you die, that is power too, and that knowledge can be a great source of motivation to do many things you used to be too afraid of doing.

"Live each day like you're dying" so that you can fully maximise every single day is the kind of new-age philosophy which self-help writers are trying to advocate in a world where outlooks are grim and reasons to be happy, or even upbeat, are hard to come by. Considering how predisposed we are to jealously and pride, it's not difficult to see how we make life more depressing for ourselves than it already is. The mindset of "to live like it is our last day on earth" breaks our outlook of life as one long continuous passage of time. Instead, life is seen as being incredibly short-termed, with each day independent of the next. As with all philosophies, it is so much easier to write about and discuss in theory than to actually live it out. Crappy self-help books aside, we often feel inspired by dying influential figures who talked about maximising everyday of your life and trying to make a difference with your time left on earth. But seriously, can we really learn to develop such a mindset and lead life each day as though it was independent of the next? Barring any terminal illness, it is just too difficult to think that way. As much as we try to, at the back of our mind, we know that we're healthy individuals who would wake up the next day. This psyche is something we cannot change as opposed to individuals whose days on earth are numbered, knowing that they might never wake up to the next sunrise. Even then, how beneficial would it be for us to lead life as such? Most of our life we were ingrained with the idea that any decisions we made in the present will have some sort of bearing on our future, and I like to believe that it were so. Instead of living for the present, we're living for the future and for everyone, I think that's how we should at least approach life by. We may have something to learn from the people who lived each day as though it were their last, but trying to emulate their thinking would not make up for the difference between our lives and do justice to the life we're leading.

For all that has been said, I'm not ready to die. There are still many things in life which I still have not got to experience, goals I have yet to achieve, and if life were to end it would make trying to stay strong the past few years all seemed like a waste. Maybe I'm being an idealist, but I like to believe that everything I had done so far in life, all the difficult decisions I made, the turn I took at the fork in the road, all these count for something eventually. I don't know when, I don't know how, but I like to know that all of them build up to this grand finale which I want my life to lead up to. Like everyone else I need to know that my life has been led meaningfully, that I had made a difference and left a mark on this world, or on people at least. But, if the world were to end next year, I wouldn't have any qualms about it. This is not to say that I want to die in case you haven't been reading properly. Rather, I wouldn't be dreading the apocalypse if it were to actually come but neither would I be embracing it. The world could end and I would be indifferent towards it. Maybe the only thing I fear was how the world would be destroyed, or how i would die.

Don't bother asking why, because I have troubling rationalising it myself.

"I was thinking about death and all. About seeing how you're gonna die. I mean, on one hand, if dying was all you thought about, it could kind of screw you up. But it could kind of help you, couldn't it? Because you'd know that everything else you can survive." - Big Fish (2003)

A Look To The Future

2011-11-07T01:52:00.000+08:00

Kids have many ambitions, but it's always the same career aspirations - doctors, firemen, policemen...basically the glamourous jobs with high salaries and/or recognition. Me? I had none. My parents, like all parents do, wanted me to be a doctor or a vet, but my interest in the humanities meant that my parents and I were never on the same wavelength, and my enrolment in the arts stream in jc basically killed their dreams.

My first career aspiration wasn't a illustrious job; I wanted to be an editor back in secondary school. It came at a time when my writing skills were picking up and adults saw the potential I had in the written language. Ideas of a career along those lines were being suggested and for a while, I was mildly interested. The interest developed further into wanting to become a writer and it reached a peak where I wanted to do a Major in the English language in university. However, as I advanced through the years, studied the language in greater detail and was exposed to many forms of writing and creative expressions, I started to realise just how limited my grasp of the language was, and coupled with an ever stifling creativity, I knew I could never get far in such a career. I still have an interest in writing, and my involvement in publications is a way of satisfying it, but right now, I can never see myself in a career along those lines.

If people were to ask me right now what I see myself doing in the future, I would shrugged it off and nonchalantly proclaimed that I had not thought about it yet. But, if one were to probe me a little further, I would admit that I really want to become a counselling psychologist and help patients deal with their problems. I don't know how, I don't know why, but the interest in such a career somehow sparked off somewhere during my life and it is now a profession of consideration for me to actually work towards to. If there's one thing for sure, from all those times when I listened to friends' problems or being sought for for advice, I realise that I do enjoy listening to and helping people and it's something which I really hope I can take it to a professional level. When I was with my psychologist, there are times when I wanted to be the person on the other end listening and taking down notes instead of the one talking, and I guess the mental image just got stuck in my mind.

Those are the things which I tell people during serious talks, and so far, people have been pretty supportive. It never is going to be a high-paying job, but I can live with that as long as I can afford to live comfortably and decently. The only downside is the need to be emotionally strong and mentally resilient, characteristics which I often questioned myself of. Then came the comment that people who study psychology in university are generally unsure of what they want to do in the future, in addition to my surprisingly good A level results which opened up the possibilities of highly-regarded courses which could lead to highly-regarded careers, and I start to wonder whether, deep down, counselling is the right calling.

Ever since people found out about my results, words like "law", "medicine", "engineering" started popping up in conversations. People who frequently mentioned the latter two or any other words of relation are generally idiots because they forgot that I actually graduated from the arts stream. If there's one disadvantage of studying the arts in jc, is that it seriously shuts off a lot of paths in university. The opportunity costs of studying the arts over the sciences is an asymmetric one; I see many of our science counterparts intending to go to fass and sometimes, I can't help but think what are you guys doing here?! We have it hard enough as it is already and we don't need people like you stealing our places! On the other side of the coin, even the rewards of doing well in the arts stream aren't as appealing as compared to doing well in the science stream, which once again reflects the asymmetrical state of both streams. I think this is something which has to be corrected in our education sector but I have digressed too much. Anyway, truth be told, I have always aimed for a place in fass ever since I got into jc, because, what other courses could I go to? And because of this, whenever people ask me why I didn't choose law, I could tell them that I never had any intention of studying law. But because of this, I wondered whether I had became so narrow-minded in my long-term goals (back at that time) that I couldn't see myself doing anything else other than anything related to the humanities, even with a result that allowed me to do so.

I admit, people's expectations are always getting to me. I remembered after graduating from secondary school, I told people I wanted to study the humanities and many of them replied with some form of incredulity, "but what are you going to study?!" erm...the arts, you moron. Of course I didn't say that, but some part of me always wanted to; stupid question begets stupid answers, I like to believe. And right now, I wonder whether trying to apply for law would finally quell the bewilderment surrounding my future from the people who think I'm not doing justice to my results. I cannot imagine myself practicinsg law 15 years from now, at least that's what I keep telling myself, but I wonder how much of it is truly from a lack of interest in such a profession.

For a period of time while serving, I actually considered doing a part-time degree in law just for kicks, but alas, I was given the worst, the most unfortunate posting for a somewhat favourable vocation and that dream just sort of fell apart. So you see, there was some very mild, very lukewarm interest in law, I just didn't know why I couldn't take it up a notch. What I have in mind for the next 10 years at least, I'm going to do something I'm interested in, an interest which just developed from nowhere, and with all the talk these days about pursuing your dreams and goals and all that bullshit, I guess I'm being slightly unorthodox by aspiring towards a completely less-than-stellar career. In some ways, it also contradicts the kind of high-end lifestyle I dream of leading.

It's not to say studying psychology in university is going to be a stroll. Almost everybody wants to study psychology so that they could self-diagnose themselves as being psychopathic or not, but I think very few people actually choose it as a specialised choice of study, and an even smaller number of people actually go on to take it up as a profession later on. As much as I can talk of it being my interest as of now, I admit I do not know whether the interest can be sustained past the first, second or third year into my studies, and whether I can build on that momentum to actually practice it when I graduate. And for that to actually happen I would need to further my studies which is going to be even more demanding. Now that you come to think of it, it's actually not an easy professional to enter; for a career which takes a longer path than most to enter, its payoffs aren't that great, but it's something I'm determined to do.

I'm thinking a lot more about my future right now because for the first time, I can finally see an end to all these madness. There are still many things left incomplete, greater challengers yet to overcome, but at last, the finishing line has never been clearer. As of right now, I'm clinging on to my current aspiration, what I can see myself doing in the long-term, and I hoped that, having turned 20 recently, I have matured sufficiently enough to not vacillate in my decisions as much as I used to have, understand myself better, and have a clearer picture of my future.

Exactly 1 year from now, I shall reflect back on this and hopefully be on the path that I have laid for myself.

Excerpts

2011-10-30T10:22:00.005+08:00

D +18
Second time round, I've learned from the past, I won't make the same mistakes again.

D +17
Two options: success or suicide.

D +16
"It's not that I don't want to help, because if I say no, people will say my logistics fucked up. But you people have to realise that your requests and demands are not making my job any easier."

D +15
As much as I hate the army, where else can 6 teens go exploring on a speeding jeep up steep mountain slopes and rocky tracks and make a slight detour to go sightseeing? As much as I hate the army, it was pretty cool.

D +14
You and I have different roles to play, and over here, I'm not going to be afraid to show that I have nothing to do. Sue me.

D +13
"Guys, are we seriously going to sit down here and do nothing?!"

D-12
The man said to the boy, "you can be so much more than what you are right now."
The boy replied, "but what if I want to only be me?"
The man answered, "then who are you?"
And to that, the boy had no reply.

D +11
"Just because the object of your affection is single doesn't mean he/she is interested in you."

D +10
At the top of the mountain, with the breeze against your face like nothing you have ever experienced before, viewing the scenery down below, the sky above you like a rolling piece of painted canvas, resisting the mental urge to break out into a musical number, everything feels so surreal, so calm, so peace, and at that point in time, you just wished you weren't wearing green, or being there for anything related to it.

I wouldn't go so far as to say I became one with Nature, but having your worries mitigated through the tranquility, your paranoia quelled in the face of the majestic, your insecurities palliated by the serene, you start to think: I could get used to this.

D +9
In the mess, singing to ktv of Backstreet Boys, I feel like a 6 year old fangirl.

D +8
This date is a very significant date for me, and I'm trying to forget the significance of it.

Oh Shaun, why do you always set yourself up for failure?

D +7
Why do you pride yourself on doing the wrong things and not getting caught?

D +6
Learn to complete *something* without any tangible incentive.

Undoubtedly questionable.

D +5
I used to think that you're one of those who understands the difficulties and complexities of my job, but when you start shouting at me and blaming me for an error which affects you, I realised that you're just being respectful and well-mannered in your dealings with me.

D +4
Is motivation drive by a need to make up for some physical or psychological deficit?

D +3
If I'm allowed to hit out at people who annoys me, I think I would be a less stressed up person.

D +2
When overseas, spend first, think later, worry last.

D +1
1 whisky. 1 vodka. 6 guys. Black and White. Ring of fire. Drunk. Footages. Vomit. 3 guys. 1 bed.

D +0
It's good to be back.

Goodbye...For Now

2011-10-10T21:24:00.000+08:00

I pray You'll be our eyes, and watch us where we go
And help us to be wise in times when we don't know
Let this be our prayer, when we lose our way
Lead us to the place, guide us with Your grace
To a place where we'll be safe

I pray we'll find Your light, and hold it in our hearts
When stars go out each night, remind us where You are
Let this be our prayer, when shadows fill our day
Help us find a place, guide us with Your grace
Give us faith so we'll be safe

A world where pain and sorrow will be ended
And every heart that's broken will be mended
And we'll remember we are all God's children
Reaching out to touch You, reaching to the sky

We ask that life be kind, and watch us from above
We hope each soul will find another soul to love
Let this be our prayer, just like every child
Who needs to find a place, guide us with Your grace
Give us faith so we'll be safe

Let this be my prayer
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Second time round, I tell myself I've matured, I've grown, I won't make the same mistakes again.

I caught myself in a moment of raising hopes again, and I stopped myself from daydreaming further just so that I won't be let down later on. Because, truth be told, I don't see what's wrong in lowering your expectations so that people can finally please you; people have disappointed far too many times.

I guess this is goodbye, for now.

White Noise (part 11)

2011-10-07T19:20:00.001+08:00

There will come a point in time when you start to think, I'm important too, I should stop accommodating others at the expense of my own comfort, happiness and even convenience. It's me now.

That time has come.

Here's part 11 of the 5000 question survey.

1001. What has caused you to reinvent yourself or reevaluate who you are?
Being a leader.

1002. Name three annoying band.
Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance, Simple Plan.

1003. Have you ever been to a foam party ? If yes did you get into the foam?
No. I'm clean and innocent.

1004. Who do you take for granted? Who makes you feel taken for granted?
My parents and my maid. Some other friends whom I shall not name.

1005. Short, knee, or ankle skirts?
Erm...short skirts.

1006. Do you wear a hat?
No.

1007. Did you watch Sifl and Ollie on MTV? How about Liquid Television or The Maxx?
Wha..???

1008. What do you like that is not part of pop culture?
Bowling.

1009. What music makes you feel:

Sexy

Passionate

Violent

Romantic

Sad

~~Happy~~ Happy

Ecstatic. Ecstatic. Ecstatic.

1010. Who's your favorite cartoon character?
Hikari from Digimon.

1011. Does break dancing impress you?
A lot.

1012. Are you a smooth operator?
Of course not.

1013. Would you rather be a police officer or a criminal?
Both. Sometimes I want to be bad, but sometimes I want to be the hero.

1014. Do you believe that government decisions should be made based more on economics or more on social reform?
I believe economic reforms should take precedence over social reforms, but it doesn't mean it is any less important for the government.

1015. Why do 'they' spend money to sterilize needles that are going to be used to give lethal injections?
Code of Conduct. Like the Warrior's Code.

1016. This summer have you:

(Singapore doesn't have summer but the weather is almost like summer everyday)

Been to the beach?
No. I don't really like sand.

been to the movies?
Yes.

Played mini golf?
No.

Gone for a walk?
Yes.

1017. Would you rather lie in bed all night talking or have sex all night long?
Both are desirable, but right now I just want to lie in bed and talk to someone.

1018. Have you ever eaten tofu?
Of course.

1019. Who needs a brain?
Most warrants.

1020. Who needs a heart?
Most of the regulars.

1021. Does the moon have an affect on your mood?
No, but the night does.

1022. Do you feel pressure on Friday and Saturday to have fun, go out and party?
No, unless I'm invited for an event.

1023. Many people will say that the Harry Potter books are pure fluff with no literary value. Do you agree?
No. I think it typifies literature of the 21st century.

1024. Is Harry Potter comparable to The Chronicles of Narnia and the Lord of the Rings?
I think Harry Potter is the Chronicles of Narnia and LOTR of our time.

1025. What are you doing next Wednesday?
I'll be in Taiwan training =(

1026. Why do so many people think Elvis is still alive?
Because people are ignorant and naive.

1027. What couldn't you live your life without?
My iPad.

1028. Are your hands cold?
Yes.

1029. Is your heart warm?
Could be warmer.

1030. Palm trees or snow storms?
Palm trees. Snow storms are too scary and devastating.

1031. What bands would be great if only the singing was edited out?
Yellowcard, MLTR

1032. What fantasy book would you like to see made into a movie?
Any Stephen Fry novel.

1033. Do you avoid risks and if possible stay at home?
"...To hope is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure.
But the person who risks nothing,
does nothing, has nothing and is nothing.
They may avoid suffering and sorrow,
but they simply cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love or live.
Risks must be taken because,
the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
Only a person who risks is free."

1034. What sci-fi books do you read?
I can only think of Star Wars canons.

1035. Would you be on Who Wants To Marry A Millionaire as a contestant?
I wouldn't mind. I'm a superficial kind of guy.

1036. Who's the best secret keeper you know?
Myself.

1037. What is your favorite myth?
Girls don't fart.

1038. Is it easier to live when you're evil?
Yes. You don't need to care about consequences because you're the one causing it.

1039. Have you ever belonged to a sorority or a fraternity?
No, unless you consider the whole of CatHigh a fraternity.

1040. Would you want to join one?
No real inclination to.

1041. If your friend were doing dangerous drugs would you tell their parents?
No, not because I don't care about them, but because I believe that teens have different reasons for trusting in the friends and parents.

1042. Would you rather be a unicorn, mermaid/man, or a sorceress/er?
A sorcerer.

1043. Are leather pants sexy? On you?
Yes, but it isn't exactly a huge turn-on for me. No.

1044. Did you tell someone you love him or her today?
No.

1045. Have you ever given blood?
No.

1046. Have you ever been thrown out of someplace?
No.

1047. What do you daydream about?
My future.

1048. Are you a miracle?
No. I'm a huge scare.

1049. If America is one nation under God then are atheists citizens?
Yes.

1050. Should they be?
Yes. God doesn't discriminate.

1051. If you could pick any rock star to replace the Ozbournes in their reality show, whom would you pick?
Steven Tyler

1052. What are your feelings about Mel Gibson's movie The Passion of Christ?
I don't know what the controversies are all about.

1053. What did you think about the last episode of Sex and the City?
Bittersweet. I love the series. (Don't judge)

1054. What is your favorite movie with Adam Sandler in it?
The Longest Yard.

1055. What is your biggest problem?
Myself.

1056. Have you ever been arrested?
Of course not.

1057. Can musicians be held responsible for influencing people to behave badly?
They could have played a factor, but I don't think they are to be held responsible for the behaviour of people.

1058. Do you believe that there are subliminal messages embedded in some TV shows, movies and music?
No. I think subliminal messages are just a trick of the mind, a psychological vindication of what we choose to believe.

1059. Is there anything that you believe should be banned for any reason?
Forced Service.

1060. How often do you eat too much?
Very rarely.

1061. Have you ever descended into pure madness?
Nope.

1062. Would you want to?
Yes. It would be interesting to see how I turn out.

1063. Do green M&Ms make you feel sexy?
No. I don't really like the colour green.

1064. If you died tomorrow, what mark would you have left on the world?
On the world, nothing. Too insignificant.

1065. What movie would you never want to see?
Horror movies. Yes I'm a wimp.

1066. What annoys you the most about yourself?
Me second-guessing myself.

1067. How do you feel about capitalism?
A necessity to give the world choices and to encourage constant innovation from competition.

1068. How do you feel about socialism?
An ideal which is undermined by the concentration of power which would lead to exploitation and many social problems.

1069. How do you feel about communism?
An utopian notion but eventually flawed due to the imperfections of human beings.

1070. Has anyone ever tried to injure you?
Not of anybody I know of.

1071. Has anyone ever tried to kill you?
I don't think so...right?

1072. How do you know when it's time to break up with someone?
When the detriments of staying in the relationship outweighed the benefits caused by the inherent differences between both parties which gave rise to conflicts instead of "warm, fuzzy feelings."

1073. What is your opinion of the Janet jackson/Justin Timberlake superbowl exposure incident?
The nip slip? Too young to care back then and still am.

1074. What's the most annoying sound?
~~Me screaming~~ Babies crying.

1075. Who was your childhood hero?
One of my relatives.

1076. With nearly 100 channels why is nothing ever on?
Because you're too busy channel-surfing to actually stop and realise there are actually some decent shows on air.

1077. Would you adopt a stray kitty wandering through your neighborhood?
No, but maybe puppies.

1078. Describe what you look like:
Some think I'm cute, but I'm actually just small. Oh, I have long and beautiful eyelashes.

1079. Describe what you are like:
Introverted, but prone to the occasional eccentrics and gibberish. Possibly bipolar.

1080. What bad habit do you have that affects other people as much as it affects you?
When I get really sad and depressed and make other people sad and depressed as well.

1081. How did you party New Year Eve in 1999?
I was 8 back then, so it probably means I was in church with my parents.

1082. Does second hand smoke bother you?
No. I got used to it a long time ago, unless it's really overwhelming.

1083. Have you ever:

Dumped a drink over someone's head?
No.

Dumped a drink over your own head?
I think so.

Bit someone?
YES! AHAHA!!!

Torn at someone's clothes?
Yes, but it wasn't sex.

Made out in the bathroom?
No. Ew...

1084. Which Lord of the Rings movie has the best ending?
The Two Towers.

1085. Do you have any interesting scars?
Nope. All my scars have healed.

1086. Is it better for people to change and evolve their ideas or always be consistent?
Can't people find a balance between both?

1087. Warped tour, Lollapalooza or Area concert?
Lollapalooza.

1088. What are you missing in your life?
A shoulder to cry on.

1089. Do you ever know when someone is thinking about you?
No, but I wished I knew.

1090. What could you make a sculpture out of that's in the room with you right now?
A lot of stationaries, scrap paper and other fanciful decorative stuffs.

1091. Do you believe in the lost city of Atlantis?
Yes.

1092. Have you ever read The Little Prince?
Definitely.

1093. This is Mr. fish <>< What's the best picture you can make on your keyboard?
_|_ (No offence, I'm not exactly the creative sort)

1094. What did Mr. Octopus say to Mrs. Octopus?
*While cleaning the dishes* "The kid needs changing."

1095. Let's see if I'm psychic. Write a yes or no question here.
"Am I on the right path?"

1096. Write another Yes/No question.
"Are people mean?"

1097. Think of just one more yes or no question.
"Do I love you?"

1098. Type one question that can be answered with a color.
"What colour are the walls of my room?"

1099. Think of a number between 1-100 and type it down.
13

1100. Write one more question, anything you want.
"What do you think of me?

View the previous parts of the .

Let's Talk About Love

2011-10-04T18:13:00.001+08:00

Let's talk about love. Again.

Never has there been an emotion, or even a topic, which has elicited so much varying responses and polarised opinions than the concept of love. And even though "love" has existed for centuries, dating all the way back to age of the Gods, we still cannot say for sure what love is, or how it even originated. So, what exactly is love?

I wouldn't describe love as a feeling. Other feelings which we are more familiar with, feelings we actually experience on a more regular basis, like happiness, sadness, anger...they can be described as a state of mind that a person is experiencing at that point in time. Yet, we don't say we're in love as commonly as when we say we're happy or sad; you can't be in a state of love. Besides, how do we know when we're in love anyway? We recognise feelings of joy and frustration, but what is the cue which tells our mind that we're in love? In pop culture, many people refer to love as the "warm, fuzzy feeling" one gets when one is with his/her lover. However, none of us can accurately pinpoint this "warm, fuzzy feeling" any better than our ability to truthfully identify when we're in love. From the looks of things, love seems to be a heightened sense of happiness derived from a particular attraction to a person. Then how does love differs from attraction?

The concept of attraction is so much easier to comprehend than love. Those two words are used, perhaps a little too dangerously, interchangeably, even though it is widely accepted that while love can be derived from attraction, attraction doesn't grow from love. From my observations, you need some form of attraction before you can fall in love; we cannot so readily declare we're in love without any basis of attraction, or on any grounds at all. So, love is a deeper form of attraction to somebody, but where is the marker to indicate to us when we have crossed over to the other side? And then there is a second branch of attraction known as infatuation, which is regarded as a shallower and temporary form of attraction. While attraction is the middle ground among all of this, it is a tall order for our simple minds, especially when torn between feelings, to recognise the state of feeling we're in with regards to an attractive person.

Our shallowness aside, many great minds have tried to capture what love actually is through many mediums such as writings, films and music. Such romantic art forms are also used as an expression of our "love". However, by focusing solely on these sentimental materials, have we blinded ourselves to the rest of the other materials which speak of "non-love"? Playing Devil's Advocate, have we been selectively bias in paying attention to the materials which have illustrated the sensation of love, that love is a "many wonderful thing", that we choose to ignore the other materials which speak of the darker side of love, the unspoken side that love isn't as rosy or as splendid as many make it out to be.

For the sake of my sanity I'll only be picking out small quotes here and there, even though I admit that works such as Shakespeare's sonnets and poems by Elizabeth Barret Browning and James Joyce really do evoke sentimental feelings. Take for example Oscar Wilde, one of my favourite authors, who wrote in The Picture of Dorian Gray,

"When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving oneself, and one always ends by deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance."

Artistry and elegant writing aside, the book is an excellent take on morality and there is much to be learnt from Dorian Gray. On love being a form of deception, isn't that how love originates in the first place, even today?

Many people go on their first date hoping to impress their date. Both parties make the effort to dress up well, wanting to look good in front of the other so as to create a positive first impression. And during the date itself, both parties put on their best behaviour to make themselves (seem) pleasant for the other. Sounds an awful lot like a job interview is it not? And I ask, why?

Here are two people, who already have some level of attraction towards each other (how else would they even go on a date in the first place), and on the first occasion when they go out together to try to establish some form of intimacy and build upon that initial level of attraction, they choose to put on a facade towards each other. When we attempt to put forth ourself as more presentable than we already are so that we can be better received by the other party, is it not deceiving ourself? This is no job interview, where a positive first impression on the boss is imperative to securing a post. No, we're talking about a person whom we choose to be comfortable and intimate with, a lover we want to share everything about our life with, a significant other whom might eventually crossed our mind as a future husband/wife, and on the first date, the very first time they acknowledged their mutual feelings towards each other, they lie to themselves and their partner. This is an aspect of "love" I can't never put my mind around to. Is there a need to put on a mask of perfection the first time they officially go out together so as to increase the chances of future dates if the first date do turn out well? Shouldn't the first date be when both parties come clean with their flaws and imperfections? Because if true love (whatever that is) exists, then both parties would still continue seeing each other after that, having already learnt about the other's true personality. Instead of creating the perfect first impression to make each other feel loved, only to be let down by heightened expectations when character flaws start to present itself, why don't we try not present our worst (ok, maybe not our worse, but something less than perfect) image so that either party could start to learn how to accept each other from the beginning, especially if they do get married. In my opinion, it is easier to accept imperfections when we are exposed to it earlier, than to worship perfection first only to be shattered by its imperfection later on.

The establishment of such relationships, while seem to be the norm in very conventional circles, is not the only example in our highly dynamic society where the lines of relationships are being blurred by social networking. Some people choose to distinguish friends and lovers, but I think we are seeing a lot of relationships now where lovers were once friends. Such a construction of relationship is in line with what was discussed in the above. After all, as friends, you tend to be more comfortable around each other, each of you know each other quirks and traits, and each of you already know each other's behaviour. No one knows how, but from this level of friendship, attraction does manifest itself. Like how friends can progress and become close friends, could it be the same for lovers? Is that the next step up on ladder? If so, such relationships is built on grounds of friendship, the relationship is essentially a very tight and intimate friendship. How do we differentiate this from love built directly from attraction? Some people are strongly against such a relationship, arguing that, if the relationship (as lovers) turns sour, then either of them might lose a dear friend. Regarding this issue of lovers being once friends, I guess the subtlety lies in being too comfortable (as friends) and being too intimate (as lovers). These two are being seen as mutually exclusive and cannot ever be reconciled with each other.

Love, it seems, is one of those mysteries in life which we cannot explain or describe, but people just know for a fact that it's there. It is weird in the sense that we can document its effect on humans, yet we are unable to trace back to its source other than concluding, rather flimsily, that it is a result of love. More often than not, we often fall back on the words of the greatest writers and musicians to describe what love is, and I think this is telling of our inability to describe what love exactly is. All I'm saying is, there should be some sort of universal definition of what love is, which is easier to comprehend, recognise and explain, not so much for history but for ourself. Right now, when somebody talks about feelings of love, only those who have experienced it before can understand what is being said, and even then, what love means to them may be extremely different that what is originally intended.

Friends who know me well enough will realise that I hardly use "love" in my conversations. Instead, I tell them I'm attracted to someone or something. When I do use the word, however, it usually means a higher degree of like and It refers to objects more often than people. I guess it's just my philosophy of not using words I don't understand to describe things. It makes explaining and rationalising less complicated and it helps to prevent confusion and misunderstanding as well.

So, having not come to a proper, universal definition of love, can we say that love doesn't exist? Of course not. Millions of people out there believe that love exists and, at every single moment, million of couples out there claim that they are in love. The affirmation of the existence of love by millions of lovers against the cynical views of a young blogger, it isn't hard to argue who the disillusioned one is.

I don't know what love is, nor do I understand what it is, and like the other millions of people out there, I'm still finding my place in this world and discovering the many secrets of life. But let me make this clear, on the day that I really do find love, that I can say with full confidence I know what love is, when I proclaim I'm in love, I'll post it down here for the world to see, and you'll be the first one to know.

We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy.

So Far

2011-10-02T22:43:00.000+08:00

This may come a little too prematurely, this may be a little bias, but seeing as to how my childhood is effectively over (I'm even considered past my teens and defined as an "young adult"), I can't help but look back over the years and think just how much my time in CatHigh has shaped me as the person I am today.

Yes, throughout my entire schooling life thus far, I only had 2 schools to compare from, and even it isn't a fair judgement because I had been to them during different stages of development. But considering the effect my time in either school had on me, I really think I would not be where I am today if I had not been to Catholic High.

Some can call it fate, others call it luck, but whatever name you give to life's direction, there had been many occasions when I should not had gone to Catholic High. During the balloting for schools, my parents recalled to me how I was one of the last few, maybe even the last, (pardon them; they're old) to be selected. They were anxious, perhaps even worried, because there were no other "good" schools in the area. Let's be fair, Catholic High back in those days was, and I dare still say is, a reputable school, and you just need to look at the other schools in my vicinity to know how competitive and valued a place in CatHigh was by parents back then. So, I studied at Catholic High (Primary) for the nest 6 years, and it really opened me up to the world by exposing me to people, competition, studies and myself.

My primary school years were significant in many ways. For one, contrary to what many people believed, it was when I developed a speech disorder which is still afflicting me to this day. If my memory serves me right, it was actually first detected by my teacher, who immediately raised it up to my parents. Now, I was still relatively young then, so I didn't realise the severity of my problem. Even many adults shrugged it off as a growing phrase, but when it started to become worse, my parents panicked. I was sent to all forms of therapy and counselling in hopes of "curing" it, but it is an incurable problem; there is no "cure", but one can only control to mitigate the problem. And since you can never avoid human interaction, I started to notice that I was speaking differently from my peers, people were giving me odd stares, teachers were giving me more attention than usual...imagine a young kid, who could not speak to save his life, desperately trying to fit in. Many people have used that phrase as a form of expression, but they would never truly understand what it means or feels like for someone who is the epitome of Social Awkwardness. Even though everyone were the same age as me, I started to see the worst in people; I encountered mean people, some of whom were classmates, I heard nasty remarks some of which I still remember...life was pretty intimidating and unpleasant back then. Yet, amidst all the cruelty, I met the most caring of teachers, had the most congenial company and befriended amiable and affable classmates. Even though I did not like it, I was given opportunities to lead; I was nominated class monitor (gosh that term seems so old now) and I enjoyed my role even though, truth be told, I did nothing much. If I were to look back at life retrospectively, I think this was the point when I started to mature and developed a huge sense of self-awareness. And if you want to take things further, you can also pinpoint this event which shaped my personality for years to comes.

Secondly, I wasn't the brightest of students. I had the fluke results now and then, but those anomalies aside, my studies were rather mediocre. I held my teachers in the highest regard and felt really fortunate to be studying under such great and experienced teachers, especially towards the last few years. They gave me a lot of encouragement and support, but no matter what, I just could not do it. It was not until the acronym "PSLE" was being thrown around that I was finally sent for tuition classes. So, in addition to extra lessons after school, I had to rush back for tuition classes. Oh, and did I mention I was still attending piano lessons? There reached a point where I really could not be bothered anymore and I left a lot of homework uncompleted because I was just so tired. So, here was a student, trying to battle his own sense of self-worth, from inherent insecurities to dismay results. Oh, and did I mention I was attending piano lessons too? Yes, I was trying to find, and still finding, whatever the hell my "God-given" talent was and whether I could be gifted. (Hint: you're not special.)

Fast forward to secondary school, and I tell you once again, I should not have gone there. Barring special cases, I had the lowest score to be accepted, and if it were not for my affiliation, my life could have turned out very differently. My mother attributed my fortune to "the grace of God", seeing as to how it was my late grandfather's dying wish. It was another chapter in life, as the cliche goes, but not a major change; it was still Catholic High - new environment, but not quite. And if my primary school years were defined by my "coming of age" (albeit a little too early), my secondary school years would be defined by my relationships. I remembered how Kristiano mistook my name as "Shaunathan" (what kind of name is that?) during a round of introduction on the first day. I remembered how a few of us came back on a Saturday to help paint the entire classroom, an effort spearheaded by the ever so creative Zheng Yi, an undertaking we knew should have won us the "Best Decorated Classroom" award were it not for the annoying bi bao. Then there was the fiasco of the tablet pcs and the ongoing battle between the school network administrators and the student-geek population. And who could forget my time in choir, where I discovered something which I could do without actually fumbling, if you know what I mean. Most importantly, I was part of a class whose definition of fun was that of craziness and bordering the lines of insanity, not that it was a bad thing. I had never felt such a strong sense of class spirit before and the more I think about it, the more I think such dynamism and liveliness in a class can never be rivalled. During those 4 years, I met some of my closest friends, held some of them as my role models and inspirations, discovered my interests in the humanities while being guided by the wisest and most affectionate of teachers.

Catholic HIgh, at that time, was undergoing a period of change. Besides major renovations, the school was transforming its philosophy. A certain Mr Lee came in to take over at the helm and he managed the school like a company. To be frank, the general consensus was he wasn't well-liked. But to be fair, he gave the school one of its most important change which I believe will resonate throughout the school's history: its vision.

The Catholic High Student is a gentleman and a bilingual scholar, of high integrity and robust character, who is passionate about life, learning and service to others.

As a Catholic High student, I'm ashamed to say that I'm not a bilingual scholar, my integrity and character is at times questionable, I have no passion in life and get bored learning things I have no interest in. I'm forced in service to others, but doesn't mean I enjoy it. The closest I am to that vision is perhaps being a gentleman, but I have my doubts. Yet, that is what a vision is all about - it is an intangible goal, an aspiration which we are never being able to achieve its ideals and perfection. A vision is an aim we must always work towards, because whenever we think we are one step closer, there is always one more step. We can come close, but we will never reach it. And it is my belief that this is how we improve our character and become a better person. I have my own principles in life, ideas on how I want to lead my life, an image of the kind of person I want to be, but no vision captures an idea of perfection so succinctly as the Catholic High School vision. Yes, I may be bias, but you cannot deny the notion of its concept of a perfect character. And throughout those four years, I may have (subconsciously) been influenced by my own school's vision that I now fall back on it whenever I find that I'm losing myself. At the end of the day, isn't that the hallmark of a good school, to inculcate its students with proper values and building each of them up from its vision or motto so that they embody what the school believes in? Isn't that what education should ultimately aim at?

With all that has been said, if there is one thing which I think 10 years of being in CatHigh had harmed me, was the 10 years of being in a single sex environment (admit it, you saw this coming). 10 years interacting solely with males, 10 years befriending guys, 10 years growing up with guys...it makes coming out into the real world slightly more difficult. I was not one of those who, for God knows how, had such a wide circle of friends outside and knew females outside of school. I came across the opposite sex in tuition classes, but those were only on a weekly basis, so imagine the complications I faced when I finally graduated after 10 years in a testosterone-charged environment and went into a school which actually had girls (like, oh my gawd!).

I'm going to admit something which many of us might have already known: I did not know how to behave around girls when I went to AJ, and even after 2 years of experience, I still do not know how to behave around them. Does there exist a book of standards, or some form of guidelines, on how to behave around members of the opposite sex? Must we always exhibit decorum and poise whenever we are in their presence? I had Elson to thank during my first few months in class for providing that familiar face. I had probably came off more socially awkward that I already am during those first few weeks. The class began to warm up to each other during the coming months, but I was still coming to grips with my feelings of being around girls every single day, feelings which I never experienced before, feelings such as attraction (*gasp*) and infatuation (*ahem*). I didn't know how to act on them, and I didn't know what they were. Coupled with a certain disorder, I had probably retreated back into my shell a little too deep.

I am going to admit something which many of you also knew a long time ago: I did not really enjoy my time in AJ, and it wasn't solely down to girl problems. It was partly my fault; I brought a little of CatHigh with me, built my expectations around what was possibly the best class I had, and I couldn't let any of those go. Needless to say, I was let down - AJ was no Catholic High in any way. I'm guessing it was due to the transition from a classroom system to a lecture-tutorial-based system, or the fact that the school spirit wasn't as strong and personally, it was difficult trying to find out where one stood while trying to get used to all the changes. I'm going to apologise if any of my AJ classmates take offence, but let's be honest, our class spirit wasn't that strong either. I used to theorise that it boiled down to the gender differences, but observing how some other classes could bond so well, the more I'm convinced it was more of a personality issue each one of has had. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy being in all of their company as an individual, maybe even in groups, but there seemed to be something about all of our diverging personalities which made it hard for us to come together as a class. And then you have the guys acting like jocks, the two Shauns disrupting classes, and while we had our moments, it was always difficult to find a unifying factor to come together as a class and act as one.

I used to muse how different those 2 years might have been if I had gone to VJ instead, and Nicholas was right, it's a case of "the grass is greener on the other side". I posted my thoughts of twitter once, and a certain Fang Yu replied, "you wouldn't have known me and vice versa". And she's right. For all of my displeasure with AJ, I had my moments, as we all did. I met multi-talented people like Sherilyn who could draw, design, sing and play the piano; our class leader, Sneha, who always looked after the welfare of the class; finally met a teacher I had no respect for; studied under eccentric teachers; befriended insane friends like Edmund; ~~I learnt how to act cute in front of girls~~; got quirky with other left-handed individuals and believed there was a conspiracy against lefties...and then there was my cca, where I was the secretary, which, to me, was the first real test of leadership. At the same time, I came across eternally-cheerful people like Fang Yu and Rachel who never fail to brighten up someone's day with their radiant smile. I also had the pleasure of knowing more close friends like Fanny whom I can share everything with. If I were to force myself to think about my positive time in AJ, while there are admittedly a lot less fun memories I have compared to CatHigh, those memories I choose to keep are more significant and have a greater impact on my character.

AJ, with its pompous latin motto Non Mihi Solum (Not For Myself Alone) and its terribly composed school song, will never hold as much significance in my heart as CatHigh did. 10 years compared to 2, it is an unfair appraisal and ruling, but if a choice had to be made, my choice is obvious. Such has been my life's path so far. While there had been many turns and forks in the road before then, and who knows how different things might have been if I had taken a different turn, this is the path I'm on, whether chosen by fate, is my own doing, simply luck and coincidence, or God-willing. And in the future, if I were to have a kid, I'm throwing him into a boys school, not to embarrass him or set him to be socially awkward when the time comes to finally meet girls, but to experience just how wild, crazy and fun being in a single-sex school can be and have the time of his life during his childhood.

What if it were a girl, you ask? Good question. I haven't thought of how to raise her up yet. I'll probably leave that up to the mother. Maybe the mother was from a single sex school for 10 years of her life like me and shared the same experiences as me.

Ok, who am I kidding? I should stop fantasising.

Care. Honesty. Service

White Noise (part 10)

2011-10-01T02:42:00.006+08:00

Checkpoint - As of today, I have exactly 147 days left before I finally resume my life.

Here's part 10 of the 5000 question survey.

901. Would you rather have a candle scented like blueberries and creme or butterscotch pecan pie?
Butterscotch pecan pie.

902. Which ones are fruits and which are vegetables:

Banana - Fruit

Cucumber - Fruit

Tomato - Fruit

Apple - Fruit

Carrot - Vegetable

Eggplant - Fruit

Cherry - Fruit

Pumpkin - Fruit

(What is this?! Some kind of primary school exam?!)

903. Does it annoy you when people talk loudly on their cell phones in public?
Yes, especially when it's of a certain accent.

904. Is love a commitment to one person, or can you love more than one person at the same time?
Well, that depends on how love is being defined. In its broadest term, love can be a commitment to more than one person, but narrow that down to the concept of romantic love and it should only be directed towards a significant other.

905. Cover or original

Smooth Criminal - Michael Jackson or Alien Ant Farm
It might be blasphemous for me to say A.A.F, but their guitar rifts sound cooler.

Blue Monday - Orgy or New Order
New Order.

I Want Candy - Aaron Carter or Bow Wow Wow
Aaron Carter, but only because his MV is nicer. It's a horrible song.

Love Song - 311 or The Cure
311

It's My Life - No Doubt or The Talking Heads
No Doubt.

906. What is the most uncomfortable feeling?
To feel alone in a crowd of people whom you actually recognise.

907. Do you like Maroon 5?
They're ok.

908. Would you ever go on a blind date TV show?
Definitely not. I have dignity.

909. How much of your wardrobe is dry clean only?
Less than 2%.

910. Whose arms would you like to crawl into?
Someone with small, tender and loving arms.

911. What the hell is your problem?
Every single thing out there.

912. Look around you. What is the most beautiful thing you can see?
My iPad cover.

913. What is the most beautiful thing you can't see?
Love.

914. Take a deep breath. Yawn deeply. Do you appreciate the things most people take for granted, like breathing?
I try to appreciate things I might take for granted, but breathing isn't one of them.

915. Do you appreciate breathing more when you have a cold and you're all congested and can't breathe right?
Yes, ironically.

916. Is congestion a positive thing because it helps you to appreciate breathing?
In a way, yes, but I wouldn't say positive.

917. How is your life like a work of art?
It is abstract and draws varying opinions from people.

918. Do you feel that your life influences and is influenced by many other lives?
I think being able to influence other lives is something which I really hope I can accomplish. As for being influenced, I'm only influenced by certain close people, not many others.

919. Has a smile ever made all the difference in the world to you?
Yes, on more than one occasion.

920. Have you ever looked at a tree and considered how the roots could be miles long, trailing and entwining with other roots underground, all of them holding the soil together?
No. I hate everything that is underneath soil.

921. Do you notice the little things in life?
I try to be observant and astute.

922. Do you feel, as Jung did, that deep down, underneath our individual personalities we are all the same?
No. I choose to believe that, deep down, we are all different and unique, as the cliche goes.

923. Do you feel a great oneness with the universe?
No.

924. When was the last time you decided to really enjoy yourself?
Can't remember. I can't enjoy myself when I always have work bugging me.

925. When was the last time you set yourself free and acted without caring at all what someone else thought?
Probably some time after my A's.

926. Have you ever held someone and appreciated how delicate and fragile all life is and felt that they were even more precious and beautiful because one day they would die..and so will you?
Yes.

927. In ten years someone else might own your house and the room you are sitting in now. Someone else might be standing right next to where you are sitting now. So that means you could be standing right next to someone but you can't see him or her because they are ten years away.

Ever look at life like that?
Nope.

928. When was the last time you:

Soaked in a bubble bath
A few years back while on vacation. The hotel had a bathtub instead of a shower.

Read a good book outside
Few months back, but I prefer reading a good book in the comfort of my room.

Held someone's hand
Few weeks back; my little cousin's.

Felt truly joyful
Close to a year back.

929. What do you bring to this world that no one else can?
I have no idea. There's always somebody who can do what you're doing.

930. Do you feel that you are part of every living thing in this world and that all those things are part of you?
No. I don't feel part of anything.

931. Are you more afraid of death or not completely living?
Not completely living. I'm indifferent towards death and dying.

932. What was the last thing you wanted to do but didn't or couldn't do?
I want to get my driving license.

933. Why don't you try and do that thing now?
Because I can't find the time to do so. Because driving schools now need students to clock in lessons before taking BTT because there are freaking lessons for everything in Singapore these days.

934. What is the most wonderful thing happening right now in the world?
Ahaha....this scene just comes to mind. It's from Amelie if you didn't know, and it's a pretty chic movie.

935. Name 7 things going on around you that you normally wouldn't notice:

1. My dog looks so peaceful when he sleeps. I really love my dog.

2. My room is actually rather squeezy.

3. It warms my heart to see lovers get cosy with each other out in the open at this time of the night just loving each other.

4. Even now, there are still people working because they have to.

5. I care for the people around me even though I may not express it outwardly.

6. My feelings towards certain people might have transcend to a level higher than friendship.

7. I get agitated more easily when I'm disturbed at night.

936. Name three things you hate:

1. Stubborn people who expect every plan to fall into place perfectly, not leaving room for any maneuver of any sort.

2. Domineering and stubborn people who will never seek any outside advice or opinion.

3. Meek and simple-minded people who fail to understand intricacy.

937. Name one GOOD thing about each of those 3 things you hate.

1. At times, they plan down to the tiniest of details to ensure that every loophole has been covered.

2. Their ability to assert their own authority is a sign of their confidence.

3. They do not complicate things more than they already are and are more able to appreciate the simplistic beauties of things.

938. What do you tend to see in black and white, rather than in shades of gray?
Outcomes and results.

939. Admit three things you do that you are ashamed of but shouldn't be.

1. I don't disclose how I truly feel.

2. I hide a lot of things from people so that they won't know about me.

3. I keep my distance to prevent myself from getting too close to people.

940. What qualities make a person “good” in your eyes?
Said person must have empathy, well-mannered and be a figure of influence.

941. Do you have any of these qualities?
I guess so. I hope so.

942. Are you willing to do what it takes to achieve what you want to?
For some of the things.

943. Name one bad quality about someone you love.
Narcissistic.

944. Name one good quality about someone you hate.
Somewhat selfless.

945. Are you pro-life or pro-choice and why?
Pro-life. Deep down, I believe that babies are God's gifts in helping us see the beauties in life and they are truly a blessing for the parents.

946. If you are pro-life write a why reason someone might be pro choice and vice-versa.
Practically, raising a child from infancy is financially draining and requires a lot of support, especially if the child wasn't planned for.

947. Can you see the beauty in:

A bumble bee
No. I hate insects.

A man skating
Yes. Skating is a very elegant sport.

A woman combing her hair
Yes.

A box of tissues
No.

Yourself naked
No.

Light
Yes. I'm afraid of the dark.

948. What are you most afraid of?
Being alone, unappreciated and unloved.

949. Whose life would you REALLY NOT want to ever have? Why?
I'm not going to say it here because it might be kind of offensive.

950. Can you come up with a reason why you might want their life?
I hate him.

951. Name one thing that is beautiful about your body.
I have beautiful eyelashes.

952. Name one thing that is ugly about your body.
I have fat and ugly legs.

953. Name one thing that is beautiful about your mind.
Well, I guess it's very imaginative and inquisitive.

954. Name one thing that is ugly about your mind.
It is bloody insecure and paranoid.

955. Who was the last person you were rude to?
Some guy in camp because he was rude towards me.

956.Are your elbows soft?
No.

957. Are you ticklish?
More than average.

958. Are you awkward or graceful?
Awkward.

959. Do you wear glasses/contacts?
Glasses. Intend to wear contacts one day.

960. If you wear contacts what's the longest you have ever left them in your eyes?
-

961. What's going on where you are right now?
Peace and quiet.

962. What is your favorite thing to touch?
My lamb plushie from Burberry.

963. What is your favorite kind of incense?
Lavender.

964. What relaxes you?
Sleep, and a good read.

965. How much time have you wasted?
17 months and counting.

966. How do you afford your rock and roll lifestyle?
I cut back my spending in other areas.

967. What does teen spirit smell like?
Sweat and desperation.

968. Do you mostly listen or hear?
Listen.

969. Look or see?
Look.

970. Do you comprehend all the things you read?
85% of the time.

971. Is it necessary to be repetitive in order to be creative?
No. There are many ways to be creative.

972. Do you control your attitude or does it control you?
I have control over my attitude.

973. Are your relationships mostly passion or conversation?
Right now, conversational.

974. Do you do what needs to be done regardless of the consequences?
Largely situational. I try to find a middle ground if there are going to be consequences.

975. Is money how you keep score?
No.

976. Who can you do everything or nothing with and still have the best time?
Andrew Tan is one of those friends.

977. Just because you're angry does that give you the right to be cruel?
Definitely not. I try to keep my temper in check.

978. What is maturity and where does it come from?
It is an outlook on life and it comes from how much exposure one has to life.

979. Who is the maturest person you know?
Lennart Ng is probably one of them.

980. Who is the most immature person you know?
Me, and my kid-like friend named Casper.

981. If there was a fire and you could only rescue one thing from your room (all people and pets have escaped on their own, even goldfish) what would it be?
My plushie from Burberry.

982. If you could, what 3 albums would you force everyone to remove from his or her CD collections?

1. Any compilation album.

2. Albums re-marketed as "Deluxe Edition" to milk more money out from listeners.

3. Remakes of originals.

983. Does Marilyn Manson scare you or bore you?
Neither.

984. What do you think of the Insane Clown Posse?
They looked scary, and hiphop isn't really my kind of music.

985. What's the best movie about high school?
I hate all movies about high schools. It involves cheesy romance which can never happen in real life.

986. Do you like Michael Jackson better in the 80's, 90's or today?
Truth be told I never had any impression of him.

987. Is choosing a different store to shop in from most people really making a statement?
IMO, no. That's what choices are for anyway.

988. What's the riskiest thing you've ever done?
Dining with regulars who are at least 5 ranks above me.

989. Have you ever ridden in a car while the driver had been drinking?
Yes, but the driver was well within the legal limit.

990. Who needs to get a life?
People doing this quiz.

991. Do you write on yourself with milky pens?
What the hell are milky pens?!

992. What should be different about high school curriculum?
Flexibility in handing up assignments. And to be able to plan our own timetables.

993. Right now are you exactly the way you want to be?
No. I want to be different.

994. Who can save you from yourself?
I wonder that myself to.

995. Are you a responsible person?
Yes. My mother complains I'm too responsible sometimes.

996. "It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious" - Oscar Wilde. Do you agree?
That is too abstract, I prefer to be able to categorise people in simplistic terms, like stupid and smart.

997. How many greatest hits albums do you own?
None.

998. Are you at risk for AIDS?
Definitely not.

999. Do you want to have it all?
Yes! I want everything and anything!

1000. Do you collect green pictures of dead presidents?
No. That's kind of scary.

View the previous parts of the .

White Noise (part 9)

2011-09-23T00:57:00.004+08:00

There are some problems I will never admit to, more I will never talk about, and others I will never acknowledge how much they are affecting me.

Here's part 9 of the 5000 question survey.

801. How often do you change your mood in a day?
Every single moment.

802. When you ask people how they are doing you actually care about their answer or is it just polite?
I genuinely care about them.

803. Would you consider yourself to be very polite?
Yes, though not very.

804. Do you like movies and books that involve nuclear holocaust?
No difference to me.

805. Have you ever had a lucid dream?
Yes.

806. Have you ever had a flying dream?
I don't think so.

807. Have you ever had a lucid flying dream?
No.

808. What's the oddest law you ever heard of?
Chewing gum is illegal in Singapore.

809. What is the ultimate way to connect with another person?
By engaging in conversation over drinks.

810. Can you be intimate with someone without touching him or her?
Yes, but it involves self-control.

811. Can men and women ever really be 'just friends' with no interest in anything more?
I choose to believe so.

813. Are you addicted to this survey like drugs?
No -.-

814. If your significant other wanted to wait for marriage could you hold out or would you leave them (or would you cheat)?
I would wait and hold out until we're both prepared.

815. What's the longest sentence you can make using only words that start with the same letter as your first name?
Some smart sister sells superbly sumptuous soup so sons shall see straighter.

816. If you had a theme song what would it be?
To your interpretation.

817. Are you cranky?
I can choose to be.

818. Which group generally annoys you more - people older than you, or people younger than you?
People younger than me.

819. Do you refer to older people as old farts?
Of course not.

820. Do you refer to younger people as the kids?
Yes.

821. Which is better: Poems that everyone can relate to or poems that are intensely personal to the author?
I prefer the latter.

822. Is it worse to be too hot or too cold?
Too hot.

823. Are you so flexible that you can put your feet behind your head?
I wished I could.

824. Would you enjoy reading fairy tales written about robots?
No. I want my princesses and unicorns.

825. Is smoking a turn on or gross?
Definitely gross.

826. What is the one way you wouldn't want to die?
Crush to death by anything.

827. Which would look sillier on you: a cowboy hat or a rasta hat?
I'm guessing a rasta hat.

828. Would you rather have a job doing something indoors or outdoors?
If I could choose...outdoors.

829. Would you rather learn more about human nutrition or meteorology?
Human nutrition.

830. Have you ever taken honors courses?
No, but I do hope I will.

831. What do you think of crop circles?
Meh.

832. Where do they come from?
Your imagination.

833. When was the last time you screwed up big time?
A few weeks back.

834. If you had a choice, what will you eat: veggie burger, turkey dog, cheese sandwich
The turkey dog.

835. Do you get a lot of random instant messages?
Nope. In fact, I hardly use IM anymore.

836. Do you have a paper journal also?
Had one, until I couldn't stand my ugly handwriting and many cancellations and threw it away.

837. VHS or DVD?
DVD

838. Vinyl, cassette tape, or CD?
CD

839. Have you ever seen the video/heard the song Days Go By, performed by Dirty Vegas?
Nope.

840. MTV: should it play morel videos or more shows?
Moral videos. Their shows are crappy enough as it is already.

841. Name a band:
Oasis

Do fans of that band tend to share any characteristics with each other?
They love singing to Don't Look Back In Anger.

842. What does the expression 'touch and go' mean?
To touch something and quickly run away for the fun of it.

843. Caffeine or alcohol?
Alcohol.

844. Betty or Veronica? Archie or Reggie or Jughead?
Betty. Archie.

845. What book are you reading right now?
Emma by Jane Austen.

846. Is the news too depressing?
Sometimes...

847. Would you rather have a stuffed lion, elephant, pig or duck?
The lion.

848. Are you late for a very important date?
My ORD.

849. Ever use star 69?
What???

850. Is everyone as smart as you?
Everyone is smarter than me.

851. Have you ever seen the musical Annie?
No.

852. Sheets: silk or satin?
Satin

853. Bath: soap or bubbles?
Soap.

854. Your best color: blue or red?
Blue.

855. What's your favorite candy?
Any kind of chocolate.

856. Can you sing?
I'm tone-deaf.

857. It's the end of the world as we know it. How do you feel?
If tomorrow never comes, I'm perfectly fine with it.

858. You take your little sister (she's 12) shopping for school clothes. She picks out a skimpy top emblazoned "Hottie" and hip-hugging pants that leave at least two inches of skin north and south of her navel exposed to the wind. She insists that if she doesn't have these clothes, she'll look awful, the other kids will tease her and she’ll feel like a nerd.

Do you think she should or should not wear these clothes?
No. Not at that age at least.

Do you buy them for her?
No.

859. What do you think is the most annoying cliché?
"As cool as a cucumber".

860. What band is underground right now but will one day get really popular?
Cold Carriage

861. Of the following which word best describes you: versatile, wonderful, special, zany
Erm...special.

862. What does BYOB stand for?
Blue Yankee On Board.

863. Who is the sexiest: Marilyn Monroe, James Dean, Elvis, Jim Morrison, Madonna, Cyndi Lauper?
Madonna

864. Do you always do what's expected of you?
Yes, as the bare minimum.

865. Do you believe everything you hear on the news?
Depends on the kind of news it is reporting.

866. Would you prefer a $100.00 gift certificate to Hot Topic or Abercrombie & Fitch (assuming neither store gives change, so you'll have to spend the whole thing)?
Toys R' Us.

867. Have you ever won a competition?
No.

868. Who looks sloppier when they are overweight, guys or girls?
Guys.

869. At what age do you become all grown up?
23.

870. Have you ever written graffiti on anything?
On school tables.

871. Can you remember what you wrote?
Something about Macbeth.

872. Are you a force of nature?
No. I get blown away easily.

873. What do you think of blue eye shadow? How about gold eye shadow?
Eyeshadows are ok as long as they aren't too thick.

874. Would you ever wear any of the following Halloween costumes:

Flapper?
No.

Hippie?
No.

Disco dancer?
No.

875. Should birth control be taught in high school? How about in jr. high or elementary school?
I think general sex ed should start being taught during high school.

876. Would you consider yourself a genius?
No.

877. What did you think of the movie Solaris?
It was ok.

878. Which is usually better: movies or books?
Movies, if I had to make a choice.

879. Do you think The Hobbit will be made into a movie?
It's already in production...right?

880. Do you research which brands use sweatshops to make their clothing before you shop?
Nope. As long as it looks good.

881. What gives you a magical feeling?
An awesome performance. And possibly fireworks.

882. Have you ever pulled apart a Christmas cracker?
YES!

883. Would you rather watch basketball or play basketball?
Play basketball.

884. Do you think that everyone makes his or her own problems?
No. Problems come to people.

885. Do you often consider how your actions will affect other people?
95% of the time. Of the remainder, 4% are people I can't be bothered with. The last 1% is when I give everyone the middle finger.

886. Are J-Lo and Ben Afleck interesting to you at all?
No.

887. Do you use bad grammar or hate bad grammar?
I hate bad grammer, though I confess I do slip at times.

888. Make up a tabloid headline:
NSF submits letter of resignation, declared insane.

889. Do you like to learn new things?
Yes.

890. What's more important, fame or personal accomplishment?
Personal accomplishment

891. Sweet dreams are made of *fill in the blanks*.
Candies and hot chocolate before going to bed.

892. Two trailer park girls go round the outside of *fill in the blanks*.
A bed of daffodils.

893. Are you wearing a piece of jewelry that means a lot to you right now?
No.

894. If someone was going to inscribe a message on a ring and give it to you what would you want it to say?
"For what is seen is temporal, but what is unseen is eternal"

895. Guys who are losing their hair...should they shave their heads, get implants or let it go?
Let it go.

896. Do rock stars work hard or lead the easy life?
They work hard.

897. How much water do you drink every day?
At least a litre.

898. Are you driven or kinda apathetic?
Apathetic, sadly.

899. Who do you turn to when you are down?
Good question.

900. Would you ever wear seran-wrap?
No!

Shatterpoint

2011-09-17T01:46:00.002+08:00

Natural frequency is the frequency at which a system will naturally vibrate once it has been set into motion. Every object on earth has a natural frequency and it encompass the entire musical scale. A popular pop-culture example would be the shattering of a wine glass with a soprano voice. With a matching pitch of the resonant frequency of the glass (its ring when clinked), the sound will cause the glass to start vibrating, and with enough energy, the glass will vibriate itself to smithereens.

Like every object on earth, humans too have their individual shatter point. Different people will break down at different points in their life; the insecure does not require much to fall to pieces, while the robust is more resilient and needs more force. Nevertheless, everyone has a breaking point. And just as how a trained soprano can easily matched the natural frequency of a wine glass and provide sufficient energy to shatter it, some people has this uncanny ability to identify a person's critical point and go straight for it.

In an ironic twist of situation, for all my whines and complains, sulkiness and depression, I was, for a period of time, managing to suppress my insecurities. Problems which have been afflicting me since young were pushed to the back of my mind, and while I acknowledged their presence, knew that they were still there, it did not bother me as much as it did. I ignored myself and tried to be someone different. To say I was undergoing a positive transformation would be a gross exaggeration, but I was trying to be - how should I put this - more...positive. Thinking back, it was a noble endeavour in an attempt to change my current outlook on life, but a flawed one inherently. Too many times have I tried to sweep my problems under the carpet, foolishly assuming that, once out of sight, they are out of mind and out of life. I ignored problems when I should really be facing up to them, not having the courage to accept certain facts and blatantly blinding myself to hard truths. I could not bear to do something about it for fear of embarrassment. And when you think you have your life under control, someone will appear in your life, say something and remind you why you loathe yourself so much in the first place.

The problem with repressed emotions and suppressed memories is that, they were never gone in the first place. You pushed it back to the back of your mind, squeezed it down into your subconscious, maybe even developed a psychological shield against it. Yet, no matter how much you think it's behind you, it still remains. Our mind is a cruel piece of contraption; it remembers everything, forming links between neurons so that memories, be it memorable or scarring, always remained. The paradox in trying to forget a memory is that, as you repeatedly (consciously) forced yourself to forget a certain memory, the recollection of the memory itself will create stronger links between the neurons such that the outcome becomes a stronger retention of that memory. You can't just forget things in the mind, barring some disease or mental degeneration. And as for its coupe de grace, these repressed emotions and suppressed memories, upon released from its mental cage, from haunt us back more violent and destructive than we previously thought it couldn't.

Some people, whom I actually hold the highest regard for, have this sense of acute judgement in discerning another person's personality. They may not seem like it, but they are judging you, not in the sense that they are being critical of you, but trying to make you out. These people, whether they are just plain curious or trying to be malicious, are able to say words which strike to the core of your being, your most unguarded, most private, yet also your most insecure and unprotected self. And as perilous as it is for my vulnerable mind, I enjoy talking to such people. They forced you to think, to contemplate about your life, to reflect about yourself, all the while (subconsciously) trying to play a psychological game of hide-and-seek from them. They are unlike the people who always talk too much without sense or sensibility, smoke-screening their prolix speech with pretentious arguments and pompous tones. Their audacity in posing the most sensitive of question and prodding you into your darkest side may make you retreat back into your comfort zone, but very so often it strips you bare of the facade you have put up for yourself such that you start to realise what kind of person you truly are and make you rethink every single decision you are about to make and questioned every decision you have made till then. With all your fears and insecurities placed before you, paralysed by your own dark side which you never dared let out, you can only start breaking down and attempt to rebuild all your defences again.

Maybe you're right, that evidently, I'm not as smart as I think I am, My IQ level is at an average level, and for all my intellectual prowess which I may seem to have, many people have overestimated my ability and placed too much faith in me.

Maybe you're also right that, admittedly, I had the winds of fortune blowing in my direction. Call it fate, luck, coincidences or whatever you want, but there have been many outcomes which I won't deny that have turned in my favour.

But so what if my time in JC has been one down to purely hard work? Has that shattered your idealism of me, making me less of a person than you initially made me out to be? Or did that boost your ego in knowing that you are actually on the same level as I am, an imaginary level which you set yourself to complete against me?

Your faith in me is misguided. Your confidence misplaced.

White Noise (part 8)

2011-09-03T21:45:00.004+08:00

I need a new blogskin.

Here's part 8 of the 5000 question survey.

701. What is your favorite mixed drink?
Lemon tea and sprite.

702. When answering these questions are you often pulled in different directions, as if committing to one answer eliminates the possibility for all others?
"I never believe there was ever any one right answer, yet there were many wrong ones."

703. Chicken Mesala, Pasta Primavera, Veal Cutlet Parmesan or Linguini with Clam Sauce?
The veal cutlet parmesan.

704. If you were alone in your friend's house/room/apartment would you look in their drawers and notebooks?
No, I respect their privacy and I expect them to do the same in my room.

705. What would you really like to do but you don't because you are afraid of getting caught?
Getting drunk and really high.

706. Of the following, which word best describes you: responsible, spontaneous, tactful, uninhibited?
Responsible.

707. Which band would you most likely check out: The Smiths, The Lords of Acid, Front 242?
The Smiths

708. How can one put an end to procrastination, as a bad habit?
By having a checklist and crossing out the things once they have been completed.

709. What feature would you want on your car that is not currently offered?
A syncronising feature to my brainwaves.

710. What kind of poetry speaks to you?
Sonnets.

711. What is your favorite store that is open 24 hours?
Macdonals, but only because it is the most readily available.

712. Do you find that sleep is just so much sleepier when you are supposed to be doing something else?
Of course. I love sleep.

713. Do you also find that the books you chose are so much more luscious when you have a stack of actual assignments that you should be reading?
Not really. My interest for reading is inherent.

714. If you have had the chance to compare the original 5000 Question Survey to this edited version, what is your opinion?
There's an original version?!?!

715. What's the most creative answer you can think of for 'what is black and white and red all over'?
A female mine having her period.

716. Why do people slow down on the highway when they pass a cop car pulling someone else over?
Because they want to catch a glimpse of the face of the unlucky bastard.

717. Are they afraid that the cop will stop pulling over whoever he is pulling over and pull them over instead?
Na...I doubt so.

718. It's daddy's birthday. What do you get him?
Erm...nothing? I'm a bad son.

719. What's your 5,000 question survey nickname?
White Noise.

720. You know that shaky feeling that you get when it's all coming to a climax, and everyone involved is breaking into the good kind of cold sweat, working as individuals and at the same time as a single force of energy, and it all meshes together, and for a brief moment, you're holding your breath and tingling all over, and after it's done you're on an explosive and dizzying high for the rest of the night?

What does that feeling come from?
What??? No I don't know that feeling.

721. How many of your teachers can you imagine drinking or doing drugs on the weekends?
I can imagine all my teachers drinking but not doing drugs. My teachers are cool people!

722. Do you like Alice in Wonderland or Through the Looking Glass?
Alice in Wonderland.

723. Write a question and answer it here.
"Why do you want to become a psychologist?" "Because I want to mess around with people's mind."

724. Who is your favorite playwright?
None in particular.

725. What movie has come out recently that you couldn’t have less interest in?
Conan the barbarian.

726. What would the worst movie ever be about?
Zombies. I hate zombies.

727. Do you like truffles?
Who doesn't?

728. Can you tell the difference between a transvestite and a real woman?
Yes, I hope so...On a side note, courtesy of Elson, Kim Petras.

729. What's funnier, plants or fire extinguishers?
Fire extinguishers.

730. For question 720 did you write down sex?
Nope, but now that you mention it...

731. Which is better, leopard print or plaid?
Plaid.

732. What would you consider ordinary?
Every human being out there.

733. What is out of the ordinary?
Mutants.

734. Do you ever watch COPS?
Yes.

735. Is there always room for jello?
Of course!

736. If you had your own TV show, what kind of show would you make it?
Some witty comic show.

737. Do you know how heavy things like airplanes stay in the air?
Yes! It's science!

738. When do you act the most dramatic?
When I'm hyperactive or high.

739. Are you one of those people who have, "see photo id,” written on the back of their credit cards?
I don't get this.

740. It's mom’s birthday. What do you get her?
Erm...nothing. I'm a bad son.

741. What celebrity has pretty much disappeared leaving you wondering 'where are they now'?
Charlotte Church.

742. Would you get angry if you and your girl/boyfriend saw the preview for a movie and talked about seeing it together and then they saw it with one of their friends while you were busy?
Not angry, just disappointed.

743. How many people do you think will finish this whole survey?
Probably hundreds.

744. Have you ever written a message, sealed it in a bottle and thrown it into a river/lake ocean?
No.

745. If you haven't would you want to?
Something to consider doing before I die.

746. If you ever did what would you write?
Advice based on my experience in life, and probably some story-telling.

747. What do you wish you could always be protected from?
My negativity.

748. What small thing annoys you so much it should be a crime?
Slow internet connections.

749. Would you rather watch a video of fish in a tank, or the Yule log on TV?
TV.

750. Is it better to be loved or feared?
To be loved.

751. What causes you to panic?
Anything and Everything.

752. Do you believe that you have a strong personality?
No.

753. When Jesus saves souls...does he trade them in for valuable prizes?
No, he gains experience and upgrade his abilities.

754. What resolutions would you make if it were new years?
Get a driver license.

755. Why wait?
Can't find the time to. And lazy.

756. Do you feel like time is on your side or working against you?
With me or against me, I want time to pass very quickly for the next 6 months.

757. What do you do for yourself when you are down to put a little joy back into your life?
Good question. I don't know. Either sleep or indulge in food.

758. How much Tolkien have you read?
None.

759. These are the songs on the radio. Which are you most likely to listen to - Time Bomb by Rancid, Dead Man's party by Oingo Boingo, The Sun Always Shines on TV by A-ha, 50 Ways to leave Your Lover by Paul Simon, Run by Collective Soul
The Sun Always Shines on TV.

760. Do you believe that Jesus existed as a real person?
Yes.

761. Do you believe he was the Son of God?
Yes.

762. How do you feel about organized religion?
It helps people to belong to something.

763. What sentence have you heard lately, that would sound pretty odd out of context?
"He's coming as he's going."

763. If you had to choose one image to be a symbol of our times, what would you pick?
The Twitter logo.

764. Name a group of people.
An army.

765. How many of them does it take to screw in a light bulb?
The officers to plan, the specs to lead and the men to execute it. Oh, and the supervising, conducting and safety.

766. Do you like the movie The Labyrinth with David Bowie and some muppets?
Never heard of it.

767. Do you like the movie The Dark Crystal?
Also haven't heard of it.

768. Metallica or Guns N' Roses?
Guns' N' Roses.

769. Do you follow the Chinese zodiac?
Only for my amusement.

770. Do you like reggae music?
Not really.

771. What makes your life worth it every day?
erm...nothing, actually. Not now anyway.

772. Do you seize each day and sink your teeth into it?
No. I dread each day.

773. I’ve heard people say that Jim Morrison never yawned because he was just so full of life. How often do you yawn?
X, where X is an integer between 0 and 20.

774. Who decides what behavior is 'crazy' or 'sane'?
Oneself.

775. Who are the most inspiring artists, musicians, poets, and writers?
The ones who dare to take on the world.

776. Did anything historically significant happen in the year you were born?
Yes. I was born. Also, the collapse of the USSR.

777. Besides blowing out birthday candles, when do you make wishes?
Whenever things go wrong.

778. Are you self-sufficient?
To some extent, I guess.

779. Is it better to be wanted or needed?
Needed.

780. What do you feel is an appropriate age to lose one’s virginity at?
I think it's more about who you lose it to than the age which you lose it at.

781. Do you feel that the appropriate age for girls and for boys is different?
Yes.

782. Are you a hard person to get to know?
Unfortunately, yes. I'm a closed book.

783. What is the craziest thing you have ever done out of anger?
I smashed my computer.

784. What's the MOST annoying sound you can think of?
The voice of a certain superior.

785. What's the silliest vegetable you can think of?
Zucchini. It's so silly sounding!

786. Do you believe in love at first sight?
No.

787. Name one thing you have referred to in the past as “better than sex”.
Very good food.

788. What do you see when you turn out the light?
My imaginations.

789. Do you like jazz, blues and/or swing music?
I'll choose jazz.

790. Do you prefer gold or silver jewelry?
Silver, but only because they are shinier.

791. In what ways do you want your children to be like you?
Well-mannered and well liked by people.

792. In what ways would you want your children to be different from you?
To be more active and confident.

793. What was the scariest movie you've ever seen?
Quarantine.

794. What was the funniest movie you've ever seen?
American Pie.

795. What was the worst movie you've ever seen?
Movies so bad I've probably forgotten about it.

796. Are you a good massage-giver?
Am I?

797. What is one question that no one can ever truthfully answer 'yes' to?
"Do I look good in this?"

798. Is there more to this world than human beings can perceive?
I would choose to say so.

799. If matter is neither created nor destroyed then is it possible that you are made up of molecules that once made up Ghandi or Jesus or Einstein?
Sounds very ridiculous.

800. Are you often sarcastic?
A lot of times.

White Noise (part 7)

2011-08-25T00:18:00.009+08:00

I'm on a quest to reason every thought, rationalise every emotion and quantify the world. I shall reason out my distaste for certain people, record down the events which pisses me off or make me happy, and note down everything which I love and hate. All in hopes of becoming less emotional and getting to know myself better.

Here's part 7 of the 5000 question survey.

601. Do you have a lust for life?
No. Not now, anyway. Especially not now.

602. Do you want to get more out of life?
Yes, I do hope so in the future.

603. Would you want to learn to...

a. Convert to Buddhism?
I think I'll pass.

b. Cure a hangover?
Other remedies are welcome.

c. Lie persuasively?
Definitely!

604. What character from a movie is most like you?
The supporting character from any movie.

605. Are you comfortable with the idea of your own death?
Yes, except maybe the nature of my death.

606. How do you feel about arranged marriages?
While not completely opposing the idea, I believe that marriage should be an act of free will between the two individuals.

607. What do you hate that everyone else seems to like?
Bubble tea

608. What do you like that others seem to hate?
Going out and walking around aimlessly.

609. If you had to be named after a month, which month would you pick?
October!

610. Is time more like a highway or a meadow to you?
A highway.

611. What is your favorite movie?
If I had to pick one...Jurassic Park.

612. Which would you choose to be back in the day: warrior, alchemist, minstrel, bard, oracle, peasant, merchant?
I'm choosing alchemist.

613. What is your favorite song lyric?
Among many, "Let it rain...why can't we fall love again. Let it rain...still I drown in tears of pain."

614. What will you never run out of?
Hatred.

615. If you could force someone to fall madly in love with you, (anyone you choose) would you do it?
OBVIOUSLY!

616. Have you ever seen the Disney movie The Black Cauldron?
No.

617. Have you ever read The Black Cauldron by Alexander Lloyd (or any of his other books in the Prydain Chronicles)?
No.

618. Have you ever written a paper the night before it was due? How about the day it was due?
Yes. Not the entire paper, but finishing up.

619. Is there a movie you have watched so many times that you can quote it line for line?
AMont others, Jurassic Park.

620. What is your favorite season?
Winter.

621. Do you mind being described as cute?
Of course not! That would be really nice.

622. What is the tackiest object in your home?
Nothing. I love everything in my house.

623. What do you think people are most ignorant towards?
The plight of people.

624. What is it that makes you an interesting person?
I don't know. I'm a very boring person.

625. What makes other people interesting to you?
Their behaviour.

626. How open to suggestion are you?
I try to keep an open mind.

627. Is Michael Jackson black or white?
Black.

628. Are you often lonely?
More often than not.

629. What’s the most unusual pet you’ve ever had?
A spider.

630. Have you ever threatened an authority figure?
No.

631. If you had to choose, would you rather make all your decisions henceforth with your head only or with your heart only?
I would go with my heart.

632. How imaginative are you?
Too much till the point that it affects my perception of reality at times.

633. Do you like the Counting Crows?
They're ok.

634. If you took this survey from the diary (5000 Q Survey V2.0) did you note me so I could read it?
Took it from a different source.

635. Are you more tense or laid back?
Tense, sadly.

636. Does your happiness depend on anyone else, or are you happy no matter what any one says or does?
I'm ashamed to say that, in general, my happiness depend on others being happy.

637. What do you think of the idea of putting the bible into the format of a fashion magazine to attract the interest of teenagers?
Religion has to change with times as well. If the overall message remains intact, why not?

638. How often do you drink to get drunk?
Hardly.

639. Would you consider yourself to be diplomatic?
A little.

640. Do you think that most of the classes you have taken were taught in such a way as to make plain the relevance of the subject matter in your everyday life?
No. Then again, I study the humanities so they are, in some way, already relevant.

641. Do you remember Crystal Pepsi?
No.

642. When was the last time you spent a night away from home?
Every week day since last year and for the next 7 more months :S

643. Some people say that there is no such thing as a stupid question. Is that true?
Unfortunately, there are such things as a stupid question and they are asked by stupid people.

644. What is the most interesting TV channel?
FOX.

645. Name one song you could live without hearing ever again:
Any song by Fall Out Boys.

646. Do your pets understand you when you talk?
I think so. He's always looking me in the eye.

647. What are three things you HAVE NOT done that might surprise people?
My family is surprised I haven't brought home a girl (*ahem ahem*). My parents are surprised (and slightly annoyed) that I haven't gotten my driving license and my teachers are surprised I haven't find myself a scholarship yet.

648. Have you ever had a secret admirer?
I wished I know of one.

649. Have you been to a museum this year?
Not yet.

650. Do you ever watch porn?
Everyone watches porn.

651. Do you think that it would be a good idea if people served in the army, navy or air force for a while before they were allowed to vote?
NO. NEVER!

652. If you were required to do this to vote, would you?
No.

653. Do people often give you weird looks?
Yes.

654. Do like Japanese cooking?
I like Japanese cuisine. Is that the same?

655. Do you care for stray animals?
Yes.

656. Which of these animated movies have you seen and what did you think of them:

a. A Charlie Brown Christmas
No.

b. A Garfield Halloween
No.

c. The Secret of Nimh
No.

d. The Last Unicorn
No.

e. The original Lord of the Rings cartoons
No.

(Omg I have no childhood!)

657. Are you ambidextrous (equally good at using both hands)?
Yes, I would say so.

658. Do you always say; “bless you” after someone sneezes, or do you hesitate?
Never.

659. If you and your friends could go away for 2 days over Halloween weekend where would you go?
My house! Probably a resort.

660. Which of these animated movies have you seen and what did you think of them:

Watership Down
No.

As the Wind Blows
No.

Grave of the Fireflies
No.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas
No.

Spirited Away
Yes.

661. Do you feel that society is male dominated, female dominated, or neutral?
Slightly male dominated, but not by much.

662. What words offend you?
Not any I can think of or have a strong reaction against.

663. They’re just words. Can you get over it?
Yes. But when used in context, then it's a different case.

664. Have you ever looked into different religions?
I read about different religions.

665. Which ones have you looked into?
Jedism and Scientology and the other major mainstream ones.

666. What do you think of Satanism as a religion?
In terms of definition-wise, nothing wrong.

667. Do you like it better when your classes are taught sitting in rows or sitting in a circle?
In rows.

668. Have you ever read your own tarot cards?
No, though it'll be interesting to do so.

669. Which ones do you like better, the original star wars movies or the prequels?
I love them all.

670. If you scream in outer space does it make a sound?
No.

671. If you saw The Queen of the Damned did you want to be a vampire/Goth afterwards?
No.

672. If you saw SLC Punk did you want to be punk afterwards?
No.

673. What is your favorite zombie movie?
I think the only zombie movie I ever watched was I Am Legend.

674. Best kids birthday party: ceramics, chuck-e-cheese, roller rink, bowling, sleep over, movie theater
Definitely the movie.

675. What were your parties like when you were a kid?
Normal; nothing special.

676. Best teen birthday party: ceramics, chuck-e-cheese, roller rink, bowling, sleep over, movie theater, house party, catered in a hall, restaurant, family trip, concert
I would choose the house party.

677. What are/were your 15-16 year old parties like?
Nothing out of the ordinary.

678. Best 18th birthday party: ceramics, chuck-e-cheese, roller rink, bowling, sleep over, movie theater, house party, catered in a hall, restaurant, family trip, concert, club, pool hall, college party
I would choose the club.

679. If you are 18 what was your party like?
Average.

680. Best 21st birthday party: ceramics, chuck-e-cheese, roller rink, bowling, sleep over, movie theater, house party, catered in a hall, restaurant, family trip, concert, club, pool hall, college party, bar, Atlantic city/Las Vegas trip
I wish it could be the bar.

681. If you saw The Craft were you interested in wicca/paganism/magic afterwards?
No.

682. What are your top 3 priorities?
Securing a career. Building a future. Find love and happiness.

683. If you saw fight club did you want to get into a fistfight afterwards?
No.

684. What is your favorite smell?
The smell of my bed.

685. Give everything below a humor rating (1 = laugh your ass off, 2 = lol, 3 = smile, 4 = lame, 5 = not funny, 6 = offensive):

People falling - 3

Rape jokes - 6

Sarcastic comments - 1

Blonde jokes - 2

Dirty jokes - 2

God/religion jokesLong-ass jokes - 3

Death jokes - 3

Pain/sickness jokes - 4

Animals doing cute stuff - 3

Bodily functions - 3

Knock jokes - 3

Ethnic jokes - 2

Puns - 1

Ironic situations - 2

685. If you saw Cruel Intentions did you want to have lots of meaningless sex afterwards?
Yes.

686. Do you get at least three hugs per day?
Sadly no.

687. What should someone never say to you/call you if they want to remain on your good side?
Just be nice.

688. If you saw Trainspotting did you want to do drugs afterwards?
No.

689. Do movies have a great influence on you?
Not as much as books.

690. Do you have a favorite reality TV show?
No.

691. Are there certain roles that people are pressured to play in society or can they basically do whatever they want?
I think that, subconsciously, we aim to play the roles which culture, and subsequently society, require of us.

692. How does the 2004 Dawn of the Dead remake compare to the original movie?
Didn't catch either movie and I have no intention to.

693. Have you ever held a magnifying glass over an insect to burn it?
Yes.

694. Have you ever pulled the wings off a fly, butterfly or any other insect?
Yes. I am heartless.

695. What would you think of a guy or a girl who wanted to take you to the park to feed the birds and look at the turtles and fish in the water on a date?
I think it's a very lovely.

696. Do you use public pools?
Yes. Not rich enough to own one.

697. Do you use public bathrooms?
After using the public pool, yes.

698. Do you use public showers?
I don't if I can avoid it.

699. How old will you be in 17 years?
37.

700. Would it effect you at all if you knew that a very large meteor was headed towards earth that would impact in 17 years?
No. I'll still live life as it is right now.

White Noise (part 6)

2011-08-19T23:13:00.006+08:00

"To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To hope is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure."

Here's part 6 of the 5000 question survey

501. If you could rename yourself what would your new name be?
~~Elizabeth~~ Maybe Michael.

502. What is your Glam Rock name (the name of your first pet plus your street name)?
Rex Bishan

503. Have you ever created your own 'what ___ are you' quiz? "If you did make one what would it be about?
No. "What kind of killer are you?"

504. What is your favorite song from the 70's?
I think I'll choose Sweet Home Alabama by Lynyrd Skynyrd

505. What do you feel like complaining about?
My life.

506. What do you feel like celebrating?
There's nothing worth celebrating. Give me something to celebrate.

507. Have you lost touch with anyone you should call?
Too many, in fact.

508. Deep in thought do you forgive everyone?
I forgive, but for some I remember what they did to me.

509. Can a person speak out against their government and still support their country?
Yes. We pledge our loyalty and allegiance to the country, not to the people who governs it.

510. What do you have faith in?
My God and my friends.

511. Do you believe your government has a file on you somewhere?
My paranoid mind says yes.

512. What (not who) do you care about?
My future, or at least my life 10 years from now.

513. What is the worst thing that could possibly happen to you?
I destroy my own future by going down a self-destructive path.

514. Who or what is really the absolute root and source of all evil?
You yourself.

515. What do you want to change about the world?
That people would be more good, in all sense of the word.

516. Why did you decide to complete this survey?
Because I was bored.

517. Has anyone ever led you on?
Nope.

518. What was the last thing you did against your will?
Enlisting.

519. What are your plans for the rest of today?
Do some reading before turning in for the night.

520. How can you make tomorrow better than today was?
By having time stopped. And ORD-ing.

521. Would you rather date someone 4 feet tall or 9 feet tall?
4 feet.

522. How often do you get jealous?
Every single moment.

523. What is the one thing you do that your friends wish you didn't?
Scream whenever I feel like it.

524. Do you do any soul searching?
Yes.

525. Do you believe you have a soul?
I HAVE NO SOUL!

526. Would you rather have a child that is more confident or more curious?
A confident child.

527. Are you a slave to love?
Maybe. Haven't known for sure yet.

528. If you were going to write a bedtime story for someone you loved what would it be about?
About how someone can overcome the odds to love someone like me and they two live happily ever after.

529. Does anyone understand you?
No one understands me!

530. Do you understand yourself?
Not even me!

531. Earth, Air, Fire, and Water: Which is your element?
I'm guessing Water.

532. Who influences you to be the way you are?
myself I guess. I can't think of anyone who significantly influences the way I am.

533. What is one idea that you live by?
That, at the end of the day, I will stand by my values and live on my morals.

534. How can people act to make you want to get to know them?
By just being themselves and being active.

535. Are you more delicate or tough?
Delicate.

536. Would you rather be smarter or more beautiful?
More beautiful. (I'm superficial that way)

537. Have you ever had a surprise party?
Yes!

538. When are you at a loss for words?
When I'm trying to describe how I'm really feeling.

539. What is the worst time to be alone?
When you're feeling down and depressed.

540. What did your parents do that you will try never to do?
Have a son like me.

541. What gets you through the night?
My bed.

542. Do you really want to live forever?
No.

543. Do you often experience powerful emotions?
Yes, though I may not express it.

544. What could make you so happy right now that you would cry and laugh and sing?
Somebody offers to be my Sugar Mummy and pay for my everything for the next 15 years.

545. Who is your favorite visual artist?
I don't know any.

546. What would you like to protest against?
Conscription.

547. What or who do you support?
The opposition as Devil's Advocate.

548. If you found out you were pregnant today, would you have an abortion?
HA! I think I might keep the child.

549. Do you like picking out greeting cards or would you rather write your own?
I buy a greeting card but write my own message in them.

550. Do you like to be thought of as mysterious?
Wouldn't mind.

551. What is the most magical thing that has ever happened to you?
Watching a spectacular display of fireworks for the first time.

552. How would you tell your friend his or her fly was open in public?
As an off-the-mark comment at the end of a conversation.

553. Does a good friend tell you you've got something in your teeth or pretend not to notice it?
Inform me.

554. The world has many secrets. Have you learned any? Will you share it?
The world is a bad place and inhabited by people who are up to no good.

555. Are there any bands you like so much that you want to get their music video collection on DVD?
Taylor Swift, if she counts as a band. Or Aerosmith.

556. What do you need advice about?
How not to be a failure in life.

557. Have you been half-asleep and have you heard voices?
Yes. Yes.

558. Do you have a good luck charm?
My little crown stamp from JC. Or maybe my little burberry lamb.

559. Should animals have the same right to life as people?
Definitely.

560. What is your least favorite body part?
My legs, because they make me short.

561. Do you enjoy British comedy?
Yes, though it sometimes takes a little longer to understand the humour.

562. Are there ever happy endings or does nothing end?
Everything ends at some point, just not as it should be sometimes.

563. What is your worst trait?
My pessimism.

564. Is the world more beautiful because of love?
Can't decide.

565. What is the essence of you?
All that is bad and negative.

566. What really inspires you?
My irrationality.

567. Have you met your soul mate?
Still searching.

568. Is everyday a special occasion?
If everyday is a special occasion, then where does that leave the truly special occasion such as your anniversary or your birthday?

569. What sound would you rather hear than any sound in the world?
Your voice. Actually, make that Hayley Westenra's voice.

570. Of the following which word best describes you: natural, outgoing, polite, quick thinking
Polite, I guess.

571. Do any commercials make you want to break your TV?
These commercials are so bad that I have already suppressed them in my memory.

572. Have you ever lost your religion?
Close, but no.

573. Do you want to share your life with someone?
If that person can stand me, why not?

574. Where ARE the wild things?
Under my table.

575. Would you rather have a child genetically related to you or an adopted child?
My own biological child

576. If I had a birthday party would you come?
if I had a birthday party would you come?

577. What seemingly impossible thing is POSSIBLE?
No impossible thing in possible, but that depends on perception doesn't it?

578. What song do you love to sing out loud?
Any song as long I have someone singing with me.

579. Have you ever run through the woods naked and played in a stream?
No.

580. Have you ever taken long solitary night walks?
Yes.

581. Is there more to you than anyone knows?
Definitely.

582. Can you make tonight the night that you do the things you always wanted to do?
Unfortunately not.

583. Would you rather watch life on TV or live it?
Watch. My Life have enough drama as it is already. Then again, living it is the only way an unattractive person could get a girlfriend.

584. What keeps you chained down?
My passivity.

585. What is the nagging feeling in the back of your head?
That you're never good enough.

586. Do you celebrate yourself?
No.

587. Does everyone get the same opportunities in life?
No.

588. What would you consider to be better than sex?
erm...2 sex? I would say getting high and doing crazy things with a group of crazy friends.

589. What evil is necessary?
Competition.

590. What's your favorite one hit wonder?
Lemon Tree - Fool's Garden (if that could be counted as one)

591. What would you do anything for?
Securing a future

592. Do you celebrate the full moon?
No.

593. Have you ever gone in the water at the beach at night?
Never.

594. Are you ordinary?
I'm a plain Jane, or Jack.

595. What makes people want to hang out with you?
Seriously, why do people want to hang out with me?

596. Have you ever felt like you've been a little bit too good to someone?
Many times in fact.

597. What book did you like that you had to read for school?
Admittedly, Joy Luck Club.

598. What book should everyone have to read in school?
The Black Swan: The Impact of the Highly Improbably by Nassim Nicholas Taleb.

599. Do you like the store Old Navy?
No.

600. What movie sequels do you like?
Jurassic Park!

Not For Myself

2011-08-18T01:21:00.007+08:00

I used to have a teacher whom I absolutely detested; I had no respect for her as a teacher and regarded some of my peer-tutors more highly than I did towards her. In fact, I learned more from them than I ever did with her. Said teacher’s teaching methods were archaic, her lessons too slow, classes were often dull and she was just plain boring. There were no redeeming qualities to her lessons nor her personality and I always dreaded her lesson. Because of my attitude towards her, I displayed a rebellious streak in her class - doing work of another subject while she was teaching, argued with her about methods and solutions, talked back because I felt like it, disturbed my classmates and being a nuisance...I was simply trying to be an irritant and a teacher’s worst nightmare. The funny thing was, she never disliked me back. In fact, her attitude towards me was contrary to how I treated her. She always thought highly of me, never once reprimanding me except a good talking to on how to behave properly, encouraged me to help my classmates, praised me when I did well in tests...she was being that “saintly” teacher who believes in the soft approach and tried to influence me with her never-ending goodwill. Now, every once in a while, I would actually feel slightly guilty for always attempting to annoy the shit out of her and not reciprocating her faith in me, but whenever I saw her or stepped into her classroom all sense of goodness within me would somehow disappear and I would go back to being that little brat who tried his best to piss his classmates and the teacher off.

My mother actually knew about this “strenuous relationship” I had with my teacher and it was because of this matter that she attended a Meet-The-Parents session. You see, my mother was curious enough to want to meet for herself just what kind of teacher could inspire so much hate in me. Ok, I lied. There was a major exam looming at the end of the year and my mother was actually worried that I would compromise my own studies just because of some irrational vendetta I had against a teacher. I managed to listen in to their discussions about me because my mother simply loved gossiping about me and she commented something about me which made me questioned whether I had underestimated just how much a mother knows about her only son. On first impression, it seemed like a casual remark, but only when I thought about it did I realised how steeped in significance it was.

In a rather fleeting manner, my mother "confided" in said teacher that I was the kind of student who needed a good teacher to motivate me, and if I don't like the teacher, it would be very hard for me to take an interest and do well in that particular subject. At the most direct level, my mother was criticising said teacher and probably affirmed what was already known that I didn't like her. On a deeper level, I wonder just how much my mother said about me is true in the sense that I always needed someone to work for to keep me going. It is as though my life has always been revolving around others and my existence is built upon what others think of me.

In school, such biasness is not uncommon at all. We all had teachers we admired and teachers we absolutely hated, and I daresay that the teacher can make or break a student's interest in a subject. With a teacher we adore, it makes developing an interest in their subject so much easier, and there is this added sense of motivation to do well in said subject because we don't want to disappoint. And as for the teachers we find disagreeable, barring any inherent passion to that particular subject, their classes are probably the last thing we looked forward to. Looking back at my schooling life, I wonder just how much my choices were shaped by my teachers more than they are shaped personally.

I always have a schizophrenic response whenever someone asks me why I chose the art stream over the sciences when I entered JC. Sometimes, I tell people that I prefer the humanities over the sciences and this is a way of pursuing my interest. Other times, I tell people it was because I sucked at sciences so badly that I did not want to jeapodise my chance of a decent A level certificate. There lies a subtle difference in the psychology behind the two reasons, but maybe I was just lucky enough that I had a favourable alternative to excel at when I know I completely suck at the other. There's no point in me speculating how I might have done if I had gone over to the science stream instead because really, I did not regret my decision. If there was one major downfall to that decision, it would have been the loss of many other opportunities and career prospects; I effectively crushed my father's ambition of me becoming a doctor or a vet.

I can't really remember whether the start of my interest in the humanities in secondary school began as a result of excellent teachers or just an excuse to run away from my science subjects. What I do know for sure is that I regarded my humanities teachers highly and respected them a lot. If a measure of a teacher's success was the ability to cultivate an interest in the subject, this was it. My science teachers were in no way any less competent but taking into account all other factors and qualities, my choice is obvious even if favouritism is in place. My feelings towards the sciences are not as adverse as say, towards Chinese (maybe more on that later), but when the teachers failed to motivate even as results kept faltering, the interests began to fade away. I still remember an instance when a classmate wanted to clarify a science concept and the teacher merely read out what was from the textbook. I wouldn't say it was a lack of professionalism more than it was a lack of experience, but it's this kind of incident which made me questioned whether I was in the right hands. As I mentioned, maybe I was indeed fortunate enough that the alternative (I'm going to refer to the humanities as an alternative because it has always been regarded as second-tier) had enough favourable qualities and factors which allowed me to excel. However, with still a slight fascination with all things geeky and scientific, I wonder how my path throughout my course of studies so far would have differed if all my teachers were the archetype of a perfect teacher.

The desire to do well in my favourite teachers' subjects had always been my source of motivation even though, in the larger scheme of things, it is a very insecure way of leading life. During every major examinations of those particular subjects, there were those niggling feelings at the back of my head asking, "what would she think of me if I don't do well, "will she think any lesser of me", "I can't bring myself to disappoint her". Whenever I failed to meet my (or is it my teacher's?) standard, I feel a twinge of guilt and regret for not doing as well as I should. For a while, I would avoid making eye contact with those teachers just so that I would avoid seeing their disappointment they might harbour towards me. For the subjects of the teachers whom I did not regard as highly, I merely shrugged of the failure, albeit with a blow to my ego and my overall confidence. And as long as my insecurities remain, I don't see my mindset changing even when I enter university in a year's time.

In life so far, I will admit that I have always been trying to please others at the expense of myself, and it's really difficult to take of instances when I actually made decisions based on my own thoughts and feelings. Here is someone who thinks too much about decisions that he eventually becomes paralysed in thoughts; mindful enough to weigh in all the different factors till the point that there is no longer a "right" or "best" decision; and when a decision is finally made, it is often based on inconsequential aspects such as distance (eg. my choice of jc). At this stage of my life, I actually regret not having a deeper grasp of my mother-tongue. I'm actually ashamed that my ability to converse exists only at a very rudimentary level and kids way younger than me are more competent in the language than I can ever be. I'm going to use this example as a reminder to myself that I should always "do what is best for myself", as the cliche goes. I have a strong aversion to chinese lessons, partly because I didn't like any of my chinese teachers. There's something about chinese teachers which I have an irrational distaste for, including my tuition teacher. It is a feeling which has manifested since young and developed all the way till jc, which also happens to be the last time I will ever come across it on an academic level when I scrapped through my chinese papers. The problem with me is the difficulty in finding within myself the innate motivation to excel, always relying on external motivators and having to feed off the approval of people in order to feel good about myself.

Going back to the situation mentioned at the beginning, eventually, I managed to convince myself that the results are mine alone, not hers, but mine. The pride and glory, if I ever attained it, would be my success. Maybe it was at a time when I matured and know what is best for me (this is still questionable), but with the help of some friends, I managed to do well enough to feel vindicated, a sense of in-your-face at that teacher even though she didn't deserve it. I don't know if there was any arrogance on my part since I did not sought her help at all (at least not critically), but to be fair, she did have faith in me that I would do well. That shall be a lesson in humbleness and maturity for another time.

Right now in life, I'm stuck in a predicament. In a line of work where everything should go right but only the wrongs get noticed, having a strenuous relationships with superiors who are hard to pleased, it's near impossible to derive any sort of motivation or satisfaction from whatever that I'm doing.

Once again, I'm trying to find it within myself to justify everything that I'm doing, but with no end in sight, the biggest question remains: who am I doing this for, and for what? Definitely not me.

And I'm trapped in my own vicious cycle of self-worth and pity again.

White Noise (part 5)

2011-07-25T19:57:00.003+08:00

As I read through all my answers so far, I realised that my answers actually vary in accordance to my mood, so don't take them too seriously.

Here's part 5 of the 5000 question survey.

401. Some say that high school is the best time of your life. Was that true for you?
Definitely

402. What do you find yourself encouraging others to try?
Believing in themselves and never giving up. (Irony)

403. Which is better: Mel Brooks or Woody Allen?
I seemed to know more about Woody Allen than Mel Brooks, so in a bias setting, I'm picking Woody Allen.

404. When was the last time you were up all night?
Back in my schooling days.

405. "__ is life. The rest is just details." Fill in the blank.
You, yourself

406. Are people too complex and different to be categorized?
Definitely.

407. Is it good to have pride in your own race or does that separate people from each other because it makes them think of everyone else as 'outsiders'?
I believe in pride, in the romantic sense, for one's own race and I don't see how that will develop into a mindset of supremacism. The question posed two scenarios which are completely mutually independent and fails to consider the compatibility of both.

408. What fictional story would you like to live through?
The character of Jason Taylor in Black Swan Green

409. Are cats or dogs smarter?
I have an inherent bias towards dogs, so dogs are smarter.

410. Have you ever guessed someone's password and broken into their diary?
Yes.

411. What teacher, if any, has effected you the most in your life?
In no order of influence: Ms Thian, Mr Alex Tan, Mrs Ling, Mrs Helen Chung.

412. Are you more easily bored or excited?
Easily bored.

413. What's the bravest or most daring thing you have ever done?
Possibly none.

414. "What's the point of robbery when nothing is worth taking?" (Adam Ant)
There is always something worth taking.

415. If your man or woman served you breakfast in bed as a treat what would you want?
The woman herself. And waffles. With ice-cream.

416. What do you do only when you are upset?
Wallow in self-pity in the corner of my room. Then again, I do that all the time.

417. What's the oddest CD in your collection?
Some Backstreet Boys album.

418. What's the best diary name you ever saw?
Erm...none?

419. What would your friends be surprised to learn about you?
There are a lot of things my friends would be surprised to learn about me; I'm saving the surprises until someone asks me.

420. Who owes you an apology?
Selfish people who don't like to help.

421. Who deserves an apology from you?
Friends whom I ignored because I wasn't in the mood to talk to them.

422. How would you like to treat your kids differently from the way your parents treated you?
Surprised to say, I might treat my kids how my parents treated me.

423. Which do you like best: 60's, 70's or 80's fashion?
None of the above.

424. What is the worst pick up line ever used on you?
"Are you bi?" And that wasn't even a pick up line, it was sexual harassment!

425. Of the following, which word best describes you: inventive, kinetic (energetic), light-hearted, mature
None. I'm dull, sloppy, take things too seriously, and childish.

426. Do you own a record player? Do you use it?
No.

427. How easily do you make friends?
I don't make friends easily.

428. What is the difference between having character and being a character?
Having character means having (outstanding) qualities/characteristics which makes them attractive. Being a character simply just means being someone not necessarily special.

429. Are there any animals you flat out refuse to touch?
Reptiles and insects.

430. Do you care about your weight?
Yes. Don't laugh.

431. Did you/will you go to the prom?
Haven't been to a proper prom before, so I guess I will.

432. Have you ever wanted to date twins?
Yes, just for the thrill of it.

433. What one thing would you change about high school if you could?
Be more interactive and not so much of a loner.

434. If you came with a warning label, what would it say?
I BITE!

435. Are you artistic and creative?
Unfortunately, no.

436. What were you (probably) doing on this date last year?
The same thing as I am doing now.

437. What are you obsessed with?
~~You~~ ORD-ing

438. What was the last compliment you received?
Can't remember. Haven't received one in a while.

439. Do you have any brothers or sisters?
No.

440. Who would you like to be alone with right now?
*ahem*

441. Do you push people away when you really want them to come closer?
Admittedly, yes. I think so.

442. Is a prenuptial agreement necessary or does it take the romance and trust out of marriage?
Do they still do that nowadays? I probably won't know until I actually do get married.

443. Do you lie your way out of things?
Shamefully, yes, quite a few times.

444. Are you better at talking or listening?
Listening.

445. What will only happen to you once in this lifetime?
Dying.

446. Know of any conspiracy theories you think might be credible?
You're gay.

447. What are the most beautiful words that have ever been spoken to you?
None. I lead a sad life.

448. If it were legal would you own a human slave (race unimportant)?
Yes, but I would treat my him/her more as a secretary/helper than a "slaver". Too much negative connotation back there.

449. Have you ever read your own writing at a poetry reading?
No, and I don't intend to even if given the opportunity.

450. What is one simple thing that gives you the happy shivers?
Nothing makes me happy these days.

451. What do you do for exercise?
Swimming and running and some static exercises.

452. Would you rather have a strict teacher with a sense of humor or a lenient teacher that doesn't teach?
The former.

453. If you ever have a baby what might you want to name it?
Elizabeth or Krystal or Shaun or Jeffery. Truth be told, I have no idea; I just pulled those names out of the air.

454. If you won free tickets to a concert from a radio show and had to choose between Inxs, Poison, Blondie and Moby, which would you choose?
Moby, because that is the only artist I recognised.

455. Are you a good cook?
Cooking a good story, yes. Otherwise, no.

456. Do you prefer when things come with no assembly required, even if they are a bit more expensive?
I'm fine either way.

457. Start a sentence with the words: what if
What if I told you I'm attracted to you?

458. Are you more spontaneous and unpredictable or loyal and routine?
Loyal and routine. And boring.

459. What is the highest number you can count to in your head?
1.

460. How do you go about losing weight?
Stop eating.

461. Do you have street smarts?
I doubt so.

462. Do you have a lot of common sense?
What's that?

463. What is your favorite flavor of ice cream?
All flavours!

464. What's your favorite movie that involves dancing?
Black Swan, because that's the only movie that comes to mind right now.

465. Would you ever want to become a guest on a talk show? If yes what would the show's theme be?
Na...I'll pass.

466. Do you like the way you look naked?
I think I look disgusting.

467. Have you ever dissected an animal?
No.

468. Who do you know who is brilliant?
Everyone of you.

469. Who do you know who is dull?
Haha...shall not name names.

470. Do you ever think about time travel?
Yes.

471. What is one interesting fact you know?
You don't know what you don't know.

472. Do you talk to yourself? Do you talk to your pets?
Yes. Yes. Don't judge.

473. Do you believe that humankind has a future in space (will we live there some day)?
Possibly, but not in my lifetime.

474. Would you rather wear clothes that you don’t mind getting dirty or more delicate outfits?
Delicate outfits. I hate getting dirty.

475. How do you 'live life to the fullest'?
Google it and follow the advice from the first 5 results.

476. Are you sloppy or a neat freak?
Neat freak.

477. Would you rather have a trunk full of nickels or half a trunk full of dimes?
I'll take the dimes.

478. What is the worst mistake you've ever made?
Not standing up for what I believe in.

479. Are you in good health?
Yes.

480. Are you patriotic?
Not really.

Let's play fact or crap.

481. The greenhouse effect is bad for your health.
Through a long line of cause and effect, fact.

482. There are about as many molecules of air in one breath as there are hairs on your head.
Crap.

483. The Miss America pageant started out as a contest in which people decorated wheel chairs and one chair was judged the prettiest.
Crap.

484. To remove a tattoo a physician can place a small balloon under the skin, which is inflated so that the tattooed skin gradually stretches. Then they cut the stretched skin away.
Crap.

485. Cock fighting is a sexual sport.
Crap.

486. It is the warmest time of the day during the hour that the sun is the highest in the sky.
Fact.

487. Certain scientists specialize in studying cow farts.
Fact.

488. The brilliant colors (reds, oranges, yellows) across the sky that we get from sunsets are caused mainly by pollution.
Crap.

489. In Grimm's original fairy tale, Rapunzel is pregnant.
Fact.

490. Dracula was the first movie about a vampire.
Crap.

491. The inventors of Corn Flakes, the Kellogg brothers, ran a school for delinquent youth.
Fact.

492. "Kemo Sabe" means "soggy shrub" in Navajo.
Fact.

493. Sir Thomas Crapper invented the toilet.
Crap.

494. The Earl of Sandwich invented the Sandwich.
Crap.

495. Some Chinese alchemists were trying to invent an immortality medicine and accidentally invented gunpowder instead.
Crap.

496. The human body is made of about 99% water.
crap.

497. Bubble gum contains rubber.
Crap.

498 This survey to the zero power = 0.
Crap.

499. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
Fact.

500. There are 86401 seconds in day.
Crap.

PS: I don't know if my answers to the last 20 questions are correct, so correct me if I'm wrong.

A Break in the Track

2011-07-17T20:04:00.005+08:00

Back when I can still be labelled as a "performer" and was part of an ensemble, I remember how all of us would always be so excited, yet anxious at the same time, when we had a performance to put up, especially if it was some major production and all of us wanted to put on a good show. As we had more performances under our belt and matured (slightly), that amount of enthusiasm began to die down, but not in the sense that we no longer enjoyed performing. All of us still looked forward to each performance; we loved performing, but we approached each performance with a clear mind, no longer overwhelmed by that sense of eagerness as we used to have. We went in clear-minded, focused on our task at hand, which was always to put on a good show, impressed the audience, and most importantly, enjoy our own performances. Those were memorable times indeed.

Never once were we distracted from our job as performers. We could always focus on our task because our needs were readily taken care of. Preparations were already laid out in place so that we could conduct our rehearsals. Food magically appeared because no one can perform on an empty stomach. Yes, there were moments I remembered where people suddenly started hurrying around and panicked people started conversing in hushed voices, but nothing too major to concern us which would jeopardise our performance. And that, my friends, is an excellent hallmark of logistics.

Reminiscing about those days, and analysing the role-reversal which had occurred in my life, I find myself at odds with everything that I'm doing right now. Ensuring that their rehearsals can be run smoothly, that their needs are always well taken care of, that their food will magically appear during meal times...that is the nature of my job, but how much I really enjoy it is a different chapter of the same story. To the idealist, it is a noble trade - to serve and, well, to serve. To the altruistic, it is a worthy cause - contribution without decoration. To the realist, it is a needed profession - to be served and taken care of.

For people like me who were once performers, we expect things to go smoothly and our needs to be taken care of because, well, what are performance without performers? How well a show goes depends on the performers; we are in the first line of fire, the direct recipients for critique. If there was a hierarchy backstage, the performers would mostly like rank at the top. But for people like me who have been involved (through forced service) in the logistics operations of 2 major events, I have seen just how unreasonable and demanding performers can get just because they are in the limelight. And insomuch as professionalism prevents me from doing something destructive, this lack of reasonableness is giving people a lot of distress, to put it simply. So often I can feel the latent anger just waiting to be unleashed and as much as I try to keep things under control, the irony lies in the fact that it is me who is trying to calm things down when people around me knows that I'm at the one closest to blowing up. And don't get me started on the topic of appreciation.

I told myself that, if I were the one being paid a 5-digit sum to be doing what I'm doing now, I wouldn't complain as much. I wonder if that is some form of consolation I tell myself after all the amount of trouble and inconveniences I have, and still am, being put through. It's a case of 'the grass is greener on the other side' because, I admit, if I were really to be earning a 5-digit sum while doing all these, I don't know whether I'll still complain as much or suck things up at the prospect of the monetary reward. People who have gone through a similar experience as me are consoling me by telling me that, at the end of the day, despite all the hardships you faced, witnessing the worst of human nature, and playing "magic" in making things happen, you will ultimately feel a sense of satisfaction, a feeling others will not experience, from being an integral part of everything. I'm clinging on to those small words of comfort even though I am highly disillusioned with my work right now. Satisfaction, fulfillment...all these are merely personal achievements. It is different from being, at the very least, recognised for your work. Everyone will be credited on the same level even though a group of people have put in more effort than the others. There are no tangible rewards to keep the core group working. There will not be any tangible documentations to show that some personnel have contributed in more ways than the rest. Yes, I'm jealous, and rightly so, not only me, but also the people I work so closely with.

Seeing as to how my lack of talent will mean I will never appear on stage again, the closest I will ever experience such a form of dispiritedness is when I work in the service sector, which is a trade I can never see myself going into in the future. Maybe when all this is over, I'll take my words back, but as of now, entering a profession where human interaction is the foremost requirement of the job is something I'm going to avoid completely. Besides, I have never been good at interaction with humans, even till now.

Something I wrote caught my eye when I was proof-reading what I had written so far - "tangible documentations" - and I start to realise that, maybe, all my current source of annoyance and displeasure at my life stems from the fact that whatever I'm doing now has absolutely no barring on my future. Yes, we could be exceptional and become exemplars during this period of time, but what do we have to show for it next time? Everyone of us believes that we are meant for great things in life, and I too, suffer from that (dis)illusion of grandeur. There is the shared and common understanding among many of us that these 2 years are a waste of time, that we could be doing something more worthwhile outside which actually contributes to our future. This "break" is not so much as one as it is a "stoppage" in life, making it difficult to readjust to reality once all this is over. It is not difficult to feel a sense of meaninglessness in your life when you're just trying to get past each day without anything to look forward to, both in the short run and in the long run. Brought up by a family who expects much of the "White Knight of the Family", ingrained by that same source with the notion that studies is everything, growing up in a society where success can be measured, I would rather be studying right now even though I have never been really good at studying. At the very least, I want to be doing something for my future rather than sitting down here and watch as life pass me by for these 2 years.

I fear for my future. I don't know where I will be 5 or 10 or even 30 years from now; what job will I be in and be successful in it, whether I still doubt love or find love and get married, career or family first...I don't know. No one knows. It's a scary thought venturing into the realm of the unknown that is your future, your life, that has so many possibilities. But what I know for sure: I want my future now.

When you live in a barren wasteland, the grass on the other side will always and definitely be greener

White Noise (part 4)

2011-07-03T21:26:00.039+08:00

I just had a realisation. There are 51 parts to this entire survey, which means if I were to do one every week, I will most definitely leave the service even before I complete all 51 parts. Onward to salvation!

Here's part 4 of the 5000 question survey.

301. List 5 things you have not experienced that you would like to experience before you die.

A. Being appreciated

B. Winning a competition

C. Banking in a cheque of a 5-digit sum

D. Drive a supercar

E. Be noticed
To love and be loved.
302. Will you try to accomplish any of these things within the next year?
If the opportunity arises, yes.

303. What do you feel controlled by?
My inhibitions.

304. If Jesus appeared to you and told you that the moon was made of green cheese would you believe him?
No.

305. What is one thing you are sure of?
People judge.

306. At what part of the day do you feel the most alert?
After 10pm

307. Have you ever played in a band?
Yes, albeit a failed one.

308. Have you ever stared into the ocean thinking 'early creatures crawled outta that'?
Nope. I have other things on my mind.

309. If not, what do you think of when you are staring into the ocean?
Trying to achieve a state of serenity and letting my mind runs.

310. Do you like the mental challenge of chess or other games?
Most of the time.

311. Do you ever think of where your atoms were before they were in you?
That's just silly.

312. Do you ever think about where your atoms will go after they have been in you?
I can't be bothered.

313. If you didn't know that people couldn't fly do you think that you could?
Probably...

314. Are you someone that others call when they're having a problem and want to talk about it?
I think so. Am I?

315. When it comes to literature, do you see beyond the writing and into the meaning intended by the author?
Definitely, to the point that I over-read sometimes.

316. Is there anything you can take apart completely, and then put back together, and have no left over parts?
I guess so...though I don't know what.

317. What are your feelings about the death penalty?
I'm going to stop at saying I'm indifferent, lest I start going all gp-ish and long-winded.

318. If there was a god and you could ask him/her one question what would it be?
"Why me?"

319. Do you believe that life will be found on other planets?
Well, there are growing evidence right?

320. What is something worth suffering for?
I'm at a point where I feel that nothing is worth suffering for.

321. If you could put an extra eye on your body anywhere you wanted, where would you put it?
At the top of my head. I don't know why, but I always glance upwards during walks

322. Are you in touch with the earth and nature?
Yes, but I'm more of a city dweller.

323. Would you rather live simply or extravagently?
Depends on my living conditions, but I can live simply if I want to.

324. Have you ever been camping?
Yes.

325. Is your heart open when you meet someone new?
No. I need time.

326. Are you able to have conversations with and become friends with people who are not like you and are interested in different things than you are?
Yup...I think so.

327. Are strangers more beautiful or frightening to you?
Frightening. And scary.

328. What stops you from doing everything you want to do?
My fears and insecurities.

329. Can you think of three adjective that do not apply to you at all?
Extroverted, decisive, optimistic.

330. How do you feel about Jeremy Jaynes, who got a nine year prison sentence for spamming people with junk email?
That's like sending someone to prison for being annoying, because should happen to some people.

331. Do you know who the current premier of China is?
Premier Wen Jiabao.

332. Are you very active?
Slightly.

333. Is there a city that reminds you of the landscape of your brain?
No. I don't travel a lot unfortunately.

334. Have you ever loved someone who has loved you back?
Unfortunately not.

335. Is it really being 'in love with' someone if the other person doesn't love you?
I think it's infatuation.

336. Do you believe that there is someone perfect for everyone or that people just fall in love with who ever they are with at the time?
I think love is just coincidental and people learn to love.

337. Do you know secret things?
Yes.

338. Have you ever fallen in love with someone you shouldn't have?
Guilty, but doesn't mean I was loved back.

339. How do you overcome your fears?
I try to rationalise my thoughts but my paranoia gains strength from it and slowly my fears just consume me.

340. What can you do better than anyone you know?
Nothing; there's always someone I know who can do something better.

341. Would you benefit from a wilder existence?
I doubt so. I wouldn't like that.

342. Does it seem to you like the range of socially acceptable behavior is getting smaller or larger?
IMO, larger.

343. Have you ever fired a gun?
Yes, and I love the thrill of it.

344. Are people becoming more afraid of each other?
Doesn't seem like it.

345. If you had to choose the percentage of freedom vs. safety what ratio would you decide on?
70=30 respectively.

346. Does safety stifle you?
At times, depending on the risk level and my level of craziness at that point in time.

347. Who or what needs to be stopped?
The juggernaut.

348. Are human beings becoming more domesticated?
I think human beings are becoming more isolated.

349. Do you follow the lives of the British Royal Family?
No.

350. How did the death of Pope John Paul II affect you?
Not in any way.

351. Have you ever lost something and never found it?
Yes, many things in fact.

352. Do you listen to any talk radio shows?
Nope.

353. Who do you trust more, your friends or your parents?
My friends.

354. Would you ever date someone outside of your race or religion?
I'm so desperate I would date anyone right now.

355. Which of the 7 deadly sins in the worst (gluttony, greed, pride, lust, envy, wrath, sloth)?
Wrath.

356. Which one are you most guilty of?
Envy.

357. Are you afraid to be alone with yourself?
I have gotten used to being alone with myself.

Do you try to avoid thinking?
I try not to overthink, does that count?

358. Would you venture to tell someone you loved him or her if they didn't say it first?
No. I can't bring myself to.

359. What are you the most sensitive about?
That's for you to find out.

360. What can you talk about for hours?
You mean what CAN'T I bitch on for hours.

361. Do you talk about yourself, other people, or ideas the most?
I like talking about people.

362. Do you believe that spell casting can work?
No.

363. Are you a fan of The Legend of Zelda games?
YES!

364. What old movie would you go see if it were re-released in the movie theaters?
Is Clockwork Orange old enough?

365. Is there a celebrity that you would be too starstruck to talk to if you met them?
I think I'll be too starstruck to talk if I met any celebrity.

366. Have you ever left a mean unsigned note?
No.

367. Do you think it's cheesy to paste things you didn't write into your diary?
No.

368. What are three things that you try not to think about?
Love, life, you.

369. Is casual sex acceptable for you?
Well...my religion teaches me to say no.

370. What form of sexual protection do you use?
-

371. What is expected of you that you feel is unnatural or not right?
That I'm supposed to work my socks off, not to demand for rest and just accepting everything that is being thrown at me.

372. Do you sometimes place your own expectations on other people?
I'm ashamed to say yes.

373. Do you sometimes act overeager to make friends when you are around strangers?
No. Yes. I don't know.

374. Do you take everything that is said literally?
No, I take everything metaphorically.

375. Do you take most things others say seriously?
To a large extent.

376. Do you have a quick wit?
No. I'm a slow person.

377. Do you believe in the need for political correctness?
I don't know what that means, but I'm going to say yes.

378. Do you have strong opinions and beliefs?
I don't know what I believe in anymore.

379. If yes, can you still hang out with and be friends with people who disagree with you?
Of course.

380. Are you uptight?
Quite, I guess.

381. Do you sometimes do risky things?
Yes.

382. Could just about anyone hold your interest in a conversation for at least ten minutes?
I guess so.

383. Are you self-conscious?
Definitely.

384. What would be your ideal destination for a Saturday afternoon?
Staying at home.

385. Does anyone have a video tape of you doing something embaressing?
I doubt so.

386. What is Kevin Smith’s best movie?
I don't recall watching any of his movies.

387. Where do you like to go on Friday or Saturday nights?
Home.

388. Do you like your friends to act the same way all the time or do you accept their moods and changes?
I accept them for who they are.

389. Do you often feel like other people are judging you?
All the time.

390. What do you think other people judge you to be like?
I would love to find out.

391. Are you quick to judge others?
I try not to until I can make a fair judgement.

392. When you have a fight with someone do you want to talk about it right away or calm down first and then talk?
Try to resolve the situation immediately.

393. Some say love is a river (according to the old song). What do you say love is?
I say love is a lie.

394. What is the worst fault a person can have?
Lacking empathy.

395. Do you have it?
I don't think so.

396. Which do you think has more impact on a person’s character, genetics or environment?
I think both are as important, but if I were to choose I would say genetics.

397. Who was your first best friend?
I have never singled out anybody as a "best friend"; I choose to keep many close and good friends.

398. If you are not best friends anymore, what came between you?
Time.

399. Who have you read a biography about?
No one. I think biographies are boring (no offence).

400. What would your own autobiography be called?
How Not to Live Life: A Biography of a Failure

White Noise (part 3)

2011-06-19T16:11:00.002+08:00

You know what's awesome about this kind of meaningless posts? It helps to push down my other posts which I don't feel like re-reading.

Here's part 3 of the 5000 question survey.

201. Put these creatures in order from what you would least like to be reincarnated as (1), to what you would most like to be reincarnated as (10) assuming reincarnation ended up existing AND you were given a choice - caterpillar, house dog, wild dog, vulture, male human, female human, oak tree, rock, manta ray, dolphin
Caterpillar. Rock. Vulture. Oak tree. Wild dog. Manta ray. Male human. Dolphin. House dog. Female human.

202. What do you feel unworthy of?
The kindness and goodwill of everyone around me.

203. Would you rather be remembered for having done something for humanity or being a really nice person?
I'm actually torn between the 2 outcomes. On first instinct I'm going for the latter.

204. Which do you value more: science or intuition?
Intuition (I can't explain why).

205. Your best friend and your significant other are in the hospital at the same time with the same ailment. Who do you visit first?
My significant other, assuming I have one.

206. Does the universe revolve around human beings?
No. We are inconsequential in the larger face of things.

207. If you are no longer a virgin, do you wish you still were?
-

208. Who is your favorite poet of those who are alive right now?
I'm ashamed to say that I don't even know of any poets who are alive right now.

209. What is your favorite song from the 90's?
I have a lot of favourite song but I'll just choose one (albeit a remix of an older song) out of the many which I actually have in mind.

210. If you were in alphabet soup what letter would you be?
S!

211. Do you believe in fairies, ghosts, aliens, angels, dwarves, elves, etc.?
I believe in spirits and angels, but not in the rest.

212. What makes you want to be someone’s friend?
For being awesome to hang out with and talk to and allowing me to enjoy myself and forget about my worries.

213. Do you troll around the Internet harassing people anonymously for fun?
Only when I am really really bored.

214. Have you ever seen the movie A Man Who Fell to Earth?
Nope.

215. What is your favorite line from a movie?
Ian: "God creates dinosaurs. God destroys dinosaurs. God creates man. Man destroys God. Man creates dinosaurs."
Ellie: "Dinosaurs eat man. Woman inherit the earth"
(from Jurassic Park)

216. What's your favorite video game?
Too many to choose from, but I'll think I'll choose Bayonetta simply for it's memorable and entertaining opening scene. (skip to 5:10 for the twist that sets the tone for the game, but beware of extreme fanboism)

217. Have you ever taken something that wasn't yours?
Guilty as charged.

218. What is one phrase people say that irritates you?
"Hey, I need..." (Not so much about the phrase than the tone which is being said in).

219. You allow strangers to read your diary, but would you let your parents read it?
No.

220. Hot steamy bubble bath or quick in and out shower?
Definitely the hot, steamy bubble bath.

221. Are you allergic to anything?
Raw and non-processeed eggs.

222. What is your favorite Terminator movie?
Not a fan of the movie, so none stands out for me.

223. What is your favorite fast food?
Burger King.

224. What would someone have to do to get you to never speak to him or her again?
I seriously don't know, and I hope no one tries, and this is coming from someone who has been made fun of in every possible manner but still has not not speak to a person ever again because of that.

225. Would (or have) you ever whip someone or be whipped by someone in bed?
Whipping is painful. Yes.

226. Have you ever said 'I hate everyone' and really meant it literally?
Yes.

227. Why do some people want to get more money than they could ever spend?
Because money can buy happiness and they can be happy forever.

228. Have you ever won a carnival fish?
Yes.

229. Did it live more than a week?
Yes.

230. What's the best sounding accent a person can have?
Natural and not a faux one.

231. What's the most boring thing you've ever read?
Some history book because the author was being long-winded in his writing.

232. Do you prefer buttons or touch screens?
Buttons.

233. Do you think there is a lot of similarity between the Harry Potter books and the Lord of the Rings series?
I think the similarities are being forced out by fanboys.

234. Would you consider yourself to be naive?
Yes.

235. Which of your friends is most likely to go to jail?
HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! I'm not going to say to avoid offending him/her. Min Jie.

236. What is the smallest amount of money that could be in a public toilet that would make you reach in and grab it?
$100.

237. Would you ever wear real fur?
I have a wool coat, does that count?

238. Arachnophobia or Eight Legged Freaks?
Neither.

239. What are your feelings about police officers?
I know they are just doing their job, but sometimes they need to exercise human judgement and not be so rigid when it comes to the law.

240. what is your favorite line from a song?
"I always needed time on my own" (Avril Lavigne, When You're Gone)

241. Is fifty dollars a lot of money?
Sad to say, no.

242. Do you like the band Front 242?
Haven't heard of them.

243. Would you rather have fame, money, or self-satisfaction?
With money comes the ability to derive self-satisfaction, so money it is then. Fame is secondary.

244. What's your middle name?
erm...ickle? Wait, that's actually my first name.

245. What is the absolute limit, the craziest thing you would do for a million dollars?
Haven't thought about it yet, but I know what I'll NOT do - embarrass myself in public.

246. Are you good, evil or neutral?
EVIL!!!!

247. Should ebonics be considered a language?
Fine if it is, not the end of the world if it's not.

248. What color is your bedroom? What color would you like it to be?
Turquoise. I love it as it is.

249. When are you planning to move to a new home?
I told my parents I'm going to buy over the current house, but they will move if they find a buyer who would match their valuation.

250. If you added up the cost of everything in the room with you, approximately what would it come out to be?
I'm guessing around $10,000.

251. Do you blow your nose in public?
I try not to if I can avoid it.

252. Do you want to follow in your parent's footsteps?
Never.

253. What is the coolest web site you know of?
http://disney.go.com/princess/

254. Which cartoon would you most like to see turned into a movie?
Totally Spies

255. Of the following, which word best describes you: enthusiastic, fair minded, generous, helpful
Helpful.

256. Can you eat with chopsticks?
Of course, I'm Asian!

257. Could you tell real money from counterfeit?
I'm afraid not.

258. What do you think about school uniforms?
I think they're cool, but some can be cooler.

259. What ancient civilization would you most like to visit?
Atlantis.

260. What would make a great new Crayola color?
The colour of Hope

261. If an art project is created with the intent of getting rich and famous, does that cast doubt over its significance as a work of art?
No

262. If you became president, whom would you invite to sing at your inauguration?
Hayley Westenra

263. Who is the greatest philosopher of your country?
Lee Kwan Yew

264. If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
Eaten as food.

265. Is it as easy to make you happy now as it was when you were a child?
Unfortunately, no. I have higher expectations now.

266. Who knows more...you, or your parents?
Me.

267. What instrument would you like to be famous for playing?
Flute.

268. Children fill its lungs completely with air. Adults breathe in a more shallow way, not filling their lungs completely. Why the change?
Assume that, as a child, 1 intake of air will fill the lungs completely. Now, assume again that this volume of air intake remains the same even as the child ages into an adult because it has became an instinctive and subconscious muscle reflex action which has been deeply ingrained into the body since young. Thus, even though the lungs grow bigger, the air intake is still defined by the same action used by said person during his childhood. Since that intake of air is not sufficient to fill up the bigger lungs, adults are seen as breathing more "shallow" and "not filling their lungs completely".

PS, that is total bullshit.

269. Would you have sex with a stranger for one million dollars?
Assuming said stranger is a female, OF COURSE!

270. Are you completely in control of your body? Are you completely in control of your mind?
I would choose to believe so. I hope so.

271. Which is more romantic: an expensive, glittering bouquet OR flowers that were hand picked as they grew beside the parkway?
The handpicked flowers.

272. Do you know yourself well enough to understand why you feel the way you do?
Yes.

273. Which do you do more often: let movies, songs and books put your feelings into words for you or put your feelings into words by yourself?
Put my feelings into words myself.

274. Do you believe celebrities when they are endorsing a product?
No.

275. What kind of movies do you wish were made more often?
Chic Flicks.

276. Does fashion matter to you?
Not really.

277. Should politicians be held to the same legal standards as everyone else?
Definitely.

278. What do you get in trouble for the most?
For procrastinating with my work.

279. Should parents spank their kids?
Why not?

280. What is your worst daily habit?
Waking up and thinking how much life sucks.

281. If you had your choice which one TV show would you have canceled?
Any random Channel 5 series.

282. Do you like the taste of sweet or salt?
Sweet.

283. Are you very precise about what words you use to describe your feelings and thoughts?
Yes.

284. What do you feel the most guilty about?
Letting others down.

285. Do you meditate?
Meditate in sadness, yes.

286. Can dreams be visions, or do you feel they are always random images?
They always seem so surreal to me.

287. Do you try to write/say what you are feeling in a true and simple way?
I have difficulty with that.

288. "The thief _______ that everyone steals." What verb would you fill in the blank with?
"believes"

289. What's the most incredible experience you ever had?
Emerging as grand champions in an international choral festival.

290. Are you ever afraid to write/say/think how you feel?
Yes.

291. Do you write/say/think it anyway or become intimidated and try to avoid it?
Avoid it.

292. What is one thing you can't do?
Express my feelings.

293. Do you like movies starring Charlton Heston?
Indifferent.

294. Are you gentle?
Maybe a little too gentle.

295. When do you feel the most raw and vulnerable?
At night, or when I'm mentally worn out.

296. Are you trying to find yourself?
Yes.

297. Where are you looking?
Good question. I don't know.

298. Are you sometimes afraid of being honest because you are afraid of hurting people's feelings?
Everyone does.

299. What would make you a stronger person?
I honestly don't know.

300. What book would you like to read sometime soon?
A college textbook.

Tempted But Not Giving In

2011-06-08T02:15:00.001+08:00

I had one of those experiences these past few weeks when me and some guy kept making eye-contact whenever we passed each other but dare not stare for too long for fear of offending the other party. It's one of those feeling where both of you find each other awfully familiar but just cannot put a finger to where we met, and so we just stare whenever either of us come into view and hoped that the image could spark a recollection. Then, one day, circumstances brought us into contact with each other and he broke the ice by admitting that he found me "very familiar". So, after a process of elimination of where we could have previously met, we finally found the answer. But that's not the point.

We started talking about about our circle of friends, or what we remembered of them anyway since we used to be in a class many years back. What I found out absolutely shocked me. Let's just say that there were some within our ranks (or what used to be of it anyway) who had committed a sin, for lack of a better word, an act which is less about transgressing societal expectations than it is about contravening and defying their upbringing and everything they were once taught and imparted. And the more we talked, the more I found out about the dirty secrets which I was totally unaware of at that time. This incident raises 2 issues which I'm quite troubled over.

The first issue has me wondering whether there lies an inverse relationship between the people of the highest moral order and the temptations they actually face. All of us definitely have some sort of universal set of moral conducts imparted to us by our parents and our rational brain. Then on the next level we have moral education classes in school which teaches us about the rights and the wrongs and other set of values and principles. And going on we have the religious ones who attend religious classes which teach them to be pious and morally upright so that they can be virtuous like their God expects them to be. Now, I'm not saying that those who are religious have a greater moral conduct than the rest of the people. Well, people do expect them to be more righteous, but doesn't mean they are all the time. The point is, we tend to see the religious as having a greater set of values to follow, and if anything, they are the ones who should be less prone to sin or moral disobedience. I'm going to ignore the oh the religious are humans too we can't expect them to be perfect they will surely sin some point in their life statement because that's not what I'm trying to bring across. I'm trying to say that, with all the different set of rules and whatnot they can or cannot do, does that ironically make them more prone to commit acts which goes against their morals?

You know how you often hear jocks talk about and tease the "Christian girl", or any other girl, who is supposedly oh-so-upright-and-righteous but is actually a "deprived slut" in bed because she is desperate? Taking the sex away, and applying it across the board, there might lie a certain modicum of truth in that. I guess it's something to do with the psyche of the being who has been imposed with many "rules" on how to lead life the "clean and proper way", that having so much restrictions and so little choices actually make the decision-making process so much harder. It is not so much about the temptation but the act of being tempted itself which is the problem which many of us will face in life. How firm we stand during those moments of torment might define us as a person and the consequences could be dire and irreversible. Maybe it's just plain rebelliousness, maybe it could be a lack of faith, or maybe it's even just an act of wanting to give in, but whatever the reason, we often describe the eventual act as an irrational one, something which we acknowledged we cannot explain because we expect the person to know better, that he should know otherwise than to give in to temptations. Can the reason for such unexpected, senseless acts stem from the fact that all these "rules and regulations" on how to lead our life actually deprived us of certain satisfaction in life, that complying with such a strict code of conduct made us rigid and made our life dull and boring?

For my generation of friends, maybe we're just immature, wanting to have fun and not caring about the consequences it bring. We know that it's wrong, but how often have we given in to "sinful pleasures" because they made us feel happy? I'm not going to bring in religious teachings amidst all these because, once again, that's not my point, but what is it about breaking rules and laws that make it so thrilling for the mind? It definitely have to go with the "reward system" of the brain but does moral teachings simply increases our willpower to resist temptation or does it really have a physical impact on the brain which releases the feel-good chemicals whenever we are presented with the prospect of a reward? Sure, we can explain all these in a biological sense, but what about psychologically?

My family and friends have always seen me as a morally upright person. They always believed that I am morally mature enough to choose the right path, to make the correct decisions, to stand firm against temptations...for the most part, I think I am. But lets be honest here - whatever "trials" (if you may call them) I have been through are nothing to what I'm alluding to all these while. I have a confession to make: my thoughts frightened me sometimes, and I'm afraid that I could be one of those whose fall from grace would be used as an example how other kids should not take after. I have secrets and desires which cannot be revealed. I am afraid that when the true temptation comes in my way, I would be the first to give in to it.

The second issue is my apparent extreme introversion and my relationship with people. It's common knowledge that I perhaps need more time than usual to open up to people, and even then I remain reserved and withdrawn. And what is more dangerous is I sometimes need to be forced to be assimilated into a group, because oftentimes I won't make the effort and would require the help of people around me to get me involved. I went 6 years in the aforementioned class not making any friends and not having anyone to talk to. Yes, I knew their names, recognised their existence, understood their behaviour, but it never went pass that. I hardly talked during that period of time and made no effort in attempting to make contact. I was that creepy loner who never spoke a word but simply sitting there, watching everyone walked passed and observing everything that was going on. And don't even get me started on opening myself up and confiding in people. As of right now, there are friends whom I confided in a little more than my other friends, but for me to be able to declare a friend I fully trust, I'm afraid there is no one on my mind.

I don't know why, but I can never bring myself to talk about my problems to anyone. I don't know whether is it a trust issue I have or simply doesn't want to be seen as so insecure, but there is no one I feel even remotely comfortable with confiding everything in. But I guess when you have more difficult problems to face than others, there are some things you just can't expect people to understand. I think such a mindset is one obstacle which I must learn to overcome, but I know it's not going to be easy. I know what are the things troubling me, but I just can't bear to admit it and confide in someone about it.

Trust me when I say this. I have attempted to open up to some friends before, but, while not blaming them entirely, they seemed to be uninterested or didn't realised that I was trying to open up to them. Maybe I'm expecting too much from them, that I always expect people to understand how I feel without me telling them, but sometimes, when one has always been the one to have understood how others are feeling and having them appreciate your intuition, you expect the same from others as well.

Lets just say that enough people have confided in me long enough for me to get a rough idea of what a person is thinking when he wants to have a listening ear. Whether subconsciously or not, people uses "cue words" before actually pouring out his troubles. It is how the listener respond to these "cues", if they are even aware of it, which will shape the tone of the conversation from then on. I'm not sure if it's also a subconscious respond from the listener, but I believe this is at a level of EQ which every rational, sane and normal (in all sense of the word) being should have possessed even by this age. The same goes for not wanting to talk about personal issues. Going by this train of though, I guess some people lack the EQ to comprehend that I do not want to talk to them.

You know with all our recent advances in the field of psychology, many people, society even, have attributed even the most insignificant of symptoms to a case of mental illness. Such an issue of over-diagnosing at times is never more ridiculous when it comes to parents and their kids, whom upon discovering something "abnormal" with their children will immediately seek professional help to ensure that their kids grow up "fine", "normal", and "mentally healthy". I'm not condemning the insights we have made into our understanding of the human mind, but I think our paranoia of labelling every small issue as a psychological problem is getting out of hand.

At the rate this is going, they should start classifying people who can never talk about their problems, can never open themselves up to people, as a form of psychological disorder, give it a medical term and give out treatment for it.

I'll gladly volunteer to be a case study.

White Noise (Part 2)

2011-05-29T14:30:00.001+08:00

Don't ask me why I'm blogging so frequently these few days. There are too many things flooding my mind at the moment and I just need to be distracted from all of them.

Here's part 2 of the 5000 question survey which I began attempting on May 16. Part 2's pretty boring, but I'm going to do it anyway.

101. What does happiness/joy feel like physically?
You get all jumpy and bouncy and want to just run around in circles and do something crazy.

102. List five people you love starting with the one you love the absolute most.
If I said I loved you, would you love me back?
A

B

C

D

E

I was about to put my dog as my first choice then I noticed the word "people" and I'm suddenly stumped. Then I remember I never believed in love.

103. How many movies have you gone to see this month?
Erm...2, I think.

104. If you could have 3 wishes...but none of them could be for yourself, what would you wish for?
a. I wish that you would be happy.
b. I wish that everyone could at least accept each other and not hate.
c. I wish that you were a girl.

105. In what ways do you relax and de-stress when you are really tense?
Try to regulate my heartbeat by breathing in deep and exhaling but I realised it never worked, so I just let the stress get to me and go into some form of panic attack.

106. How much money would it take to get you to drive to school naked in the springtime and get out of the car?
None. Maybe not money, but a lot of alcohol. Na...still impossible.

107. Have you ever killed an animal?
No.

108. Have you ever lost someone close to you?
Yes

109. What do you think of cloning?
Myself

110. Do you read or watch TV more often?
I think reading edged it out a little.

111. With all this talk of terrorism going around are you willing to sacrifice rights and freedoms for increased safety?
Yes.

112. What is the punishment you would come up with for Osama Bin Laden if you caught him alive?
He's already dead, but I think I would pull out all his beard by the roots.

113. Have you ever named an individual part of your body?
No.

114. Have you ever been on the radio or on TV?
No.

115. Have you ever won a lottery, or sweepstakes?
No, but I did win a lucky draw once.

116. Have you ever won a contest or competition?
Nope...never good enough.

117. Do you like to watch The Joy of Painting show with Bob Ross?
Haven't watched it before.

118. Do you know what your grandparents and your great grand parents did for a living?
I think my grandfather was a sailor, don't know anything else besides that.

119. Is there anything really interesting in your family history?
The fact that my mother used to feed me water instead of milk when I was a baby so that I wouldn't cry and demand for food so much at night, but I don't think that is addressing the question correctly.

120. Is there anyone you trust completely?
No.

121. Have you ever lost someone without having the chance to say goodbye?
Yes.

122. How do you feel about women in politics?
~~I think they are hot~~ As long as they do their job well and not get drowned in testosterones, I have nothing against that.

123. Would you rather have an indoor Jacuzzi or an outdoor pool?
Outdoor pool.

124. What things are you interested in that you study or read about on your own?
Science and other geeky stuffs.

125. Would you consider yourself to be intelligent?
Na...

126. Would you consider yourself to be wise?
No.

127. Have you ever given or received a lap dance?
No.

128. Have you ever spoken to a homeless person?
Can't tell if he was homeless or not...

129. Would you ever creep into the subway tunnels to go exploring?
Not unless I have a sidekick and a proton pack.

130. If you could add 70 years to your life but only by making some random person die 70 years sooner would you?
I would rather someone else add 70 years to their life and make me die 70 years sooner.

131. Can you finish any of the following lyrics?

A: Nothing to kill or die for...and there's no one to love.

B: Late comings with the late comin' stretcher...it's time to dance the night away.

C: I could make a film and make you my star...and we would both be in love.

*PS: I made all of those up myself*

132. Were you ever with someone while they died?
Thank god no.

133. Would you rather be a world political leader or a rock star?
Rock star!

134. Have you ever given someone a love letter that you wrote?
Nope.

135. Have you ever sent someone a surprise though the mail?
Not that I can remember.

136. Are you looking forward to any concerts right now?
My Andrew Lloyd Webber concert in July, which I still have a spare ticket which is going to waste.

137. Of all animated movies, which is the best one you've ever seen?
Beauty and the Beast, because that was my first animated movie I saw.

138. What are the best bands or songs to listen to while driving?
Taylor Swift.

139. What do you think is the most amazing thing that anyone has ever accomplished?
The fact that said person even accomplished something while suffering from some illness or inherent problems, coupled with all the other difficulties faced in life.

140. What could a member of the opposite sex do to impress you?
Write me a letter.

141. About how many emails do you get a day? How many of those emails are junk mail? How many of them are forwards?
2. 1. 1.

142. What's your favorite thing to do online besides write in your diary and hang out at this site?
~~Stalking people~~ Reading up on useless things.

143. Do you believe Kurt Cobain killed himself or was it a conspiracy?
I think he committed suicide.

144. Have you ever though about hitchhiking across the country?
Definitely.

145. Who would you bring with you on this kind of a road trip?
A bunch of crazy friends or a significant other. And definitely a bodyguard.

146. Of the following, which word best describes you: accurate, bold, charming, dependable
Dependable.

147. If you are single, at about what age do you think you will be ready to settle down and get married? If you are married, how old were you at the time?
29. This is the age which everyone expects of me.

148. Do you often wonder, when you say goodbye to people, if it is the last time you will ever see them?
Yes

149. What movie are you most looking forward to seeing when it comes out?
First Class and Transformers.

150. What is your quest?
To discover my mission.

151. What is louder and more annoying: 200 adults talking or one four-year-old screaming?
The fomer, because you can always pacify a screaming kid but can never shut 200 adults up.

152. Do you believe the stories about planes, boats and people mysteriously disappearing into the Bermuda triangle?
Yes, because I have no spine to give my own opinions.

153. Who are you the most jealous of?
Kristiano.

154. What is the happiest way you can start your day?
By never waking up.

155. Do you ever have moments where you feel like everything is all right in the world?
YA RIGHT! That would be the day...sigh.

156. Who thinks that you are offensive?
OMG if you think I am you got to tell me now!

157. If you had to teach a class in something, what would you be able to teach people?
I hate teaching, but if I had not choice, possibly a lesson on "How to fail in life".

158. Have you ever had a spiritual experience (an experience that cannot be explained by science)?
Not to my recollection.

159. Do you believe that this experience was truly mystical or do you think there is some scientific explanation for it, only you don't know what it is?
-

160. Do you get offended easily?
Hardly, but I won't express it either way.

161. Would you still love and stay with your significant other if he or she had to have a breast or testicle removed?
Yes, if I even had one.

162. Do you believe in fate or free will?
I believe in free will to choose our own fate.

163. Do you believe that only boring people get bored?
No.

164. Can life change or are we all stuck in vain?
I choose to believe that, for the most part of it, life can still change.

165. What changes are you afraid of?
I'm afraid of changes in general.

166. Are you a day person or nocturnal?
Nocturnal.

167. What one CD could you listen to for an entire week (no mixed CD’s, it must be an album)?
Any CD by Hayley Westenra.

168. Which is worse, working in retail, food service, or an office?
Food service.

169. What's the coolest job you ever had?
Being paid close to $10 per hour making popcorns and baiting young girls with them.

170. What is one central idea that your thoughts seem to come back to?
Death.

171. Have you ever wanted to be an actor/actress?
Na...

172. If you had the power to control one person and make this person do anything you wanted for a whole day, who would you pick and what would they do?
Hayley Westenra. She would perform for me and me alone.

173. What star sign are you and what is your sign like?
I'm a scorpio and my sign is like a scorpion.

174. Did the Blair Witch Project scare you?
Didn't watch it, have no intention of watching it.

175. Are you in constant fear of death?
No.

176. Does fear of death keep you from building a life?
Hardly.

177. Do you like all your movies to be in wide-screen?
And HD.

178. Are you a fan of any comic books?
I'm a geek, so yes. And I love Archie comics too.

179. At what age did you attend your first funeral?
11, I think.

180. What do you smell like (lotion, cologne, sweat)?
Desperation.

181. What are your greatest sources for wisdom?
The internet and any other random scribblings on walls. Oh, and the books that I read too.

182. When you were little, where did your parents tell you babies come from?
They told me I came from the rubbish dump or was mixed up at the hospital.

183. What is your favorite band?
Aerosmith.

184. What's the best cheesy 80's song?
erm...i have no idea actually.

185. What's the best kind of movie to see on a date?
Bring me on my first movie date and I'll tell you.

186. Do you like to sit in the front, middle or back of the Movie Theater?
A the side.

187. Have you ever been inside an abandoned building?
Yes.

188. Under what circumstances would you agree to work for free?
When I'm being coerced or blackmailed into.

189. Candles or strobe lights?
Candles

190. Do you think the Lord of the Rings movies are true to the books or did Hollywood change the story too much?
I'm going to admit that I have never read the books before.

191. When you see a stranger on the street does your first reaction lean towards thinking of this person as a potential friend or as a potential threat?
Potential threat.

192. Is it natural for human beings to fear and distrust each other, or is it cultural?
I think it is a natural, biological thing.

193. What do you really want to buy?
A new iMac.

194. You have to choose. Would you be happier marrying someone rich for their money or living in the streets and subway tunnels with someone you love?
I'm actually torn between this. Right now, I'll choose the practical option and go for the former.

195. If someone wanted to understand you what book could they read that would help?
Black Swan Green by David Mitchell.

196. Do you think it’s odd that Americans have freedom of religion and yet call themselves 'one nation under god'?
I didn't realise this irony until this question raises it up.

197. In what sense are you a minority?
I'm a lefty!

198. Are you anti social?
Definitely.

199. Do you photograph well?
No.

200. Do you think that human beings would survivor through a nuclear winter?
Yes.

Wearing Your Heart Upon Your Sleeve

2011-05-27T22:00:00.002+08:00

I have learnt an important lesson. I have learnt that, sometimes, it's okay to let everyone know how angry you are. I have learnt that It's perfectly normal to express feelings of frustrations and irritation at everything around you. Most importantly, I have learnt that it is a completely rational reaction to start shouting at people if they continue pissing you off, especially if they still cannot figure out how I am feeling after so many warning signals.

I guess, for too long, I have put myself across as someone who is extremely easy going, someone who is amiable and someone who is generally, in all sense of the world, pleasant. Maybe these characteristics really do apply to me, and maybe because of this, I have often sucked things up, not complaining when things don't go my way, when things start to go wrong, when people start to annoy me...I can never explain why I always put on such an affable front, simply channeling any form of negativity into an outward show of being demoralised. Yes, I'm starting to accept the fact that, as much as I try, and want, to hide my true emotions, maybe I'm not as adept at putting up a false front after all, especially when people start to comment when I'm simply stoning at the bench and staring into blank space, my mind filled with thoughts and wanting to ignore the world around me. You know how most normal people would become very angry when things start to fall apart, only for them to break down and be all so depressed when they finally collected themselves? Yes, I think that's my missing link which people do not see. Maybe it has something to do with some inherent masochistic desire to torture myself, to keep everything inside of me and just let myself suffer without letting anyone knowing. But with so many shit building up, I think my threshold for anger has been wearing very thin over the last few weeks, maybe months, maybe even years.

Many of you may have already known this, but the feeling of shouting at someone to get your point (or feeling) across is somewhat cathartic.The look on their face when someone like me is shouting at them is so priceless, because they can never imagine me, of all people, to be so pissed off and start blowing up at everyone around. I think it's time that I let people know how I truly feel, that I am capable of anger and other form of emotions as well. It's time that people realised that, at times, I am facing the same difficulties, maybe even more, as them and I am as frustrated, maybe even more, as them. And just because I am still trying to remain calm and collected (for that is in my disposition) despite all that is going around me, doesn't mean I'm not caring, and it certainly doesn't give others the right to take out their frustration on me just because I'm the one who is managing almost everything, the person whom people look for only when problem arises or need their demands to be met. I think it's time people learn that just because they have never seen me shouting at people doesn't mean I will not shout at people.

You know what intrigues me the most? I'm intrigued to find out how I will react when I truly blow up, when I take out years of anger and frustration, together with the ones at that point in time, at some unfortunate being who happens to be the catalysis to my mental degeneration. Truth be told, I'm still holding back, never unleashing the full wrath at one go but letting it go slowly at a time. It's healthier that way, and it also ensures that I don't hurt, maybe even kill, anybody, whether is it myself or the person in front of me.

Putting all those pent-up emotions aside, I happened to be listening in on my men's conversation about their involvement with YOG last year, and suddenly I realised once again why I hate all the work I'm doing right now. The talk about how much fun they had working together and with the other collaborators, making new friends along the way and simply interacting with everyone else made me, for lack of a better word, jealous. These are the kind of memories which you keep, the kind you bring up again a few years down the road as you reminisce about your past. These memories are something which I will never have, because I'm the one who make sure all their needs are well attended to, the one who ensures that everything goes smoothly for them so that they can focus on taking care of who they are supposed to look after. Not only does working backstage takes you away from the limelight, it also limits your interaction with people and how many friends you are going to make over the course of the event. These backstage planners work with many others, but they don't interact as closely as the main group does. Such is the irony of working in logistics, for they will learn to build up an extensive network, but they exist only in a small circle; will develop numerous connections, but limited relationships. It is our job to ensure that everything goes smoothly, even if only outwardly, despite all the chaos that is going on at the back. And the ultimate sucker punch? Receiving the exact same certificate which everyone will receive thanking you for your "invaluable contribution and outstanding effort, without which the *insert any event* cannot be a success."

I think, after all that is said, there's this need to have some form of tangible reward hanging at the end to keep the spirit going, the incentive to get the body working. There will come a point in time where a mere acknowledgement of your effort, an acknowledgement which could be more heartfelt than the others, will no longer do. It is no longer enough just to receive praise and commendation for your efforts; there need to be a concrete decoration for the greater amount of work put in and the greater amount of shit tolerated. At the end of the day, I think all of us need to know we made a more significant contribution than the rest of the people, without which we would just be sitting by the sidelines and watching everyone scrambling around while laughing as they try to get things back in order.

And you know what's the worst thing after all these? Being in a position of power yet not being able to effect a difference. It's like, the appointment you're given is simply for you to take the blame when something goes wrong, and definitely a reason for people to pass on the workload to you because "you're the one in-charge". It sucks to know that you're in a position of power yet are still being drowned out by the higher-ups who can not give a hoot about your opinions. To them, you are just a bigger pawn for them to play with because they have too big an ego to play around with the smaller pawns. I think this lust for power stems from this desire to want to be able to affect a noticeable enough change in everything around you, and it is definitely a good intention which unfortunately could fork depending on how screwed up your mind is. Contrary to what is popularly believed, "sorry" is a word I have used so often it is no longer the most difficult word for me to say.

I want to continue but I realised I am whining and bitching so much that I actually lost track of what I want to say or is too incoherent to be able to put into words. I'm becoming slightly agitated while writing all these because every unpleasant feeling and memories start flooding back and I need to just release them all before I start doing something irrational.

Ultimately, I just need to know that I mean something to somebody, that i'm not expandable and someone could just come in and replace me and do an even more capable job. For once, I just want to feel appreciated.

There are 3 things which desire more and more each week - a drink, a drinking biddy, and an emo buddy. Unfortunately I think I can only get one of them.

----------------------------------------

PS, please don't let that free ticket go to waste. Once again, it's for the Andrew Lloyd Webber concert at the MBS on 10 July, 1.45pm. You peeps know my number.

White Noise

2011-05-16T22:00:00.000+08:00

There will surely come a point in time when my life gets especially mundane, so utterly uneventful that my thoughts come to a standstill, that there is nothing worth reflecting on and simply nothing to even pen down. While I try to think of something meaningful to blog about (aka whining) and expand on the little things which I actually want to write about (aka how my life sucks), I came across this awesome little meme which will certainly allow me to post lots of useless stuffs over here in the future whenever I feel like it. The overall purpose of this is to just delude myself that I do blog regularly, and by regularly I meant at least once a month.

1. Who are you?
Right now, I'm not so sure. I used to be a student. In 10 years time I hope to be able to add the prefix of "Dr" to my name, though it isn't as glorious as you think it might be. I'm seen as the White Knight of the family in my current generation. In terms of the work I'm doing now, I can be seen as your most important asset, or the most useless personnel.

As the header of your browser suggests, I can be a "compulsive liar", or a "cynical romanticist" (whatever that means), as defined in my profile section. In short, I can be whoever you want me to be, as defined by you, the readers, my friends, or by society.

I'm Shaun, by the way.

2. What are the 3 most important things everyone should know about you?
a. I really really hate anything with more than 4 legs and/or slimy skin. The only creature I am truly comfortable with are mammals.
b. I can scream higher than a girl.
c. I loathe tuna.

3. When you aren't filling out 5,000 question surveys like this one what are you doing?
~~Finding a girlfriend~~ I have video games which I have yet to complete, movies I have yet to catch, and dvds I have yet to watch. I also have unread books. Oh, and thinking about my future, all these while "protecting the nation".

4. List your classes in school from the ones you like the most to the ones you like the least (or if you are out of school, think of the classes you did like and didn't like at the time).
4-2, 3-2, 2-6, 3808, 1-7, 6E/5E, 1D/2D, 3F/4F.

5. What is your biggest goal for this year?
Surviving the remaining months without any major emotional breakdowns.

6. Where do you want to be in 5 years?
In university, with a scholarship.

7. What stage of life are you in right now?
The transition from a teenager to an adult.

8. Are you more child-like or childish?
I haven't really noticed the nuances between the two until now, but I got to say child-like.

9. What is the last thing you said out loud?
"GO AND DIE LA!"

10. What song comes closest to how you feel about your life right now?
It is not so much about the song than the lyrics to it which I can relate to most closely. I'm going to play fair and choose only 1 song.

11. Have you ever taken martial arts classes?
No

12. Does your life tend to get better or worse or does it just stay the same?
I actually think my life is a rollar-coaster ride, but don't we all?

13. Does time really heal all wounds?
No. If anything, I think it opens up the wounds bigger. Then again, there are always exceptions.

14. How do you handle a rainy day?
Snuggle under my covers and watch a movie from my computer in my room with the curtains drawn.

15. Which is worse...losing your luggage or having to sort out tangled holiday lights?
Losing my luggage.

16. How is your relationship with your parents? Will you miss them when they are gone
Like all angst-y, emotional teenagers are - stable with the occasional arguments, ignorable at times, but still generally ok.

Most certainly.

17. Do you tend to be aware of what is going on around you?
Yes, even if I don't show it at times. I see myself as fairly acute and observant.

18. What is the truest thing that you know?
~~No one loves me~~ Always question; leave room for doubt because nothing is ever confirmed.

19. What did you want to be when you grew up?
I want to be the kind of friend whom friends acknowledge as having made an impact in their life, the kind of person who made a difference in the lives of others.

I also want to be a clinical psychologist, specialising in counselling and human cognitive behaviour.

20. Have you ever been given a second chance?
Too many times for me to be ashamed by it.

21. Are you more of a giver or a taker?
Have been a giver for so long that I can't help but want to be a taker just for once.

22. Do you make your decisions with an open heart/mind?
I make my decisions with an open mind but with a closed heart.

23. What is the most physically painful thing that has ever happened to you?
Scraping my knee and and tearing off a small chunk of my flesh.

24. What is the most emotionally painful thing that has ever happened to you?
Getting rejected, not in the romantic sense, but simply getting rejected. Or played out, for lack of a better word.

25. Who have you hugged today?
Myself.

26. Who has done something today to show they care about you?
No one.

27. Do you have a lot to learn?
Definitely.

28. If you could learn how to do three things just by wishing and not by working what would they be?
a. Learning to play every musical instrument in an orchestra.
b. How to tinker with electrical appliances and not spoiling them in the process.
c. Talk. Fluently.

29. Which do you remember the longest: what other people say, what other people do or how other people make you feel?
I'm actually torn between the last two, but I guess the last option edged it out slightly.

30. What are the key ingredients to having a good relationship?
Love, appreciation, and banter.

31. What 3 things do you want to do before you die?
a. Drive around in my own luxury car.
b. Catch the plane to anywhere and everywhere and only returning home when I run out of money or when I'm finally exhausted from all that travelling.
c. Make a significant contribution which everyone notices.

All these while with a loving family of my own.

32. What three things would you want to die to avoid doing?
Nothing as of now.

33. Is there a cause you believe in more than any other cause?
That everyone should be treated fairly and given a chance, if that's even a cause.

34. What does each decade make you think of:

The 19..

20's: Russia.

30's: Hitler.

40's: WW2.

50's: Singapore.

60's: Korea

70's: Vietnam

80's: America

90's: erm...transformers?

2000 (so far): My inception, oh, and digimon.

2010's: Technology.

PS: I'm not that old.

35. Which decade do you feel the most special connection to and why?
2000, because that is when my generation is.

36. What is your favorite oldie/classic rock song?
I'm seeing this question as 2 parts - oldie and classic rock.

37. What country do you live in and who is the leader of that country?
Singapore. Lee Hsien Loong.

If you could say any sentence to the current leader of your country what would it be?
"In your most honest opinion, do you think the policies currently in place have the long time interests of the youths in the future?"

38. What's your favorite TV channel to watch in the middle of the night?
None in particular; depending on the show they are broadcasting.

39. What Disney villain are you the most like and why?
Lady Tremaine, because I'm a jealous bitch.

40. Have you ever been a girl scout/boy scout?
No

41. If you were traveling to another continent would you rather fly or take a boat?
Fly.

42. Why is the sky blue during the day and black at night?
The sky is black at night to hide deep and dark desires. The sky is blue in the day as a contrast to your evilness.

43. What does your name mean?
Sexy Handsome Adonis Unreservedly Needing Naughty Gratification.

44. Would you rather explore the deeps of the ocean or outer space?
Outer space if a choice has to be made, otherwise, neither.

45. Word association

What is the first word that comes to mind when you see the word:

Air: Life

Meat: Steak

Different: Special

Pink: Feminine

Deserve: Reward

White: Purity

Elvis: Glitter

Magic: The Gathering

Heart: Girls

Clash: Explosion

Pulp: Orange

46. If you could meet any person in the world who is dead who would you want it to be?
Lewis Carroll

47. What if you could meet anyone who is alive?
Natalie Portman

48. Is there a movie that you love so much you could watch it everyday?
Lilo and Stitch, and this is only one of the many.

49. You are going to be stuck alone in an elevator for a week. What do you bring to do?
My iPad, my DS and a storybook. Maybe 3 storybooks.

50. Have you ever saved someone's life or had your life saved?
I don't think so.

51. Make up a definition for the following silly words...

Fruitgoogle: The process of searching for the best fruit among a collection of fruits.

Ambytime: A period of time when someone is actually motivated to do something that is undesirable (e.g., work) and completing it with effort and pride.

Asscactus:formal a degrading term used to insult someone with no friends because of his bad breath

52. What was the last thing you made with your own hands?
Does a birthday present counts?

53. What was your favorite toy as a child?
Anything which can be constructed or assembled.

54. How many TV’s are in your house?
4

55. What is your favorite thing to do outside?
Just walking around and looking at things.

56. How do you feel when you see a rainbow?
Bittersweet - a sense of child-like joy followed by a tinge of melancholy at innocence lost.

57. Have you ever dreamt a dream that came true?
No.

58. Have you ever been to a psychic/tarot reader?
No.

59. What is your idea of paradise?
A place with a beautiful landscape where children are running carefree and the adults are loving and caring and money isn't an issue. Leisure activities are all around and work is enjoyable.

60. Do you believe in god and if so what is he/she/it like?
That God is fair and just and will look out for everyone of us.

61. Do you believe in Hell?
Yes

62. What one thing have you done that most people haven't?
Personally, making sacrifices for them, ensuring their emotional well-being while neglecting my own.

63. What is the kindest thing you have ever done?
*I shall let my friends decide. Or you could just post a comment for me*

64. Are you a patient person?
Outwardly, yes. I could be cursing and swearing inside.

65. What holiday should exist but doesn't?
International Left Handers' Day should be an off day for all lefties.

66. What holiday shouldn't exist but does?
Who cares?! I'll gladly take any holiday that comes by.

67. What's the best joke you ever heard?
"Hedgehogs - why can't they just share?"

68. Where is the most fun place you have EVER been?
For now, Gold Coast Australia, and that was ages ago.

69. Is your hair natural or dyed?
Natural.

70. Do you have any deep dark secrets or are you pretty much up front?
I tend to keep a lot of things to myself.

71. What is under your bed right now?
Dust.

72. If you were in the Land of Oz would you want to live there or go home?
Home.

73. If you drive do you frequently speed?
It will depend on the performance of my car.

74. What is the world's best song to dance to?
The song doesn't matter; your dance partner does.

75. What song was on the last time you danced with someone?
I think the last time I danced was after grad night in jc, and I can't remember what song was on. I don't even remember if any song was on.

76. Do you prefer Disney or Warner Brothers?
Disney, but I love both all the same.

77. What is the first animal you would run to see if you went to the zoo?
The lambs and the sheeps, or maybe the bears. I can't make up my mind.

78. Would you consider yourself to be romantic?
Sentimental, yes. Romantic, I have yet to find out myself.

79. If the earth stopped rotating would we all fly off?
That would be awesome, but I guess not. I think some disaster would happen because the earth's orientation will send the planet into some form of chaos and we would all eventually die. But it would still be cool nonetheless.

80. What is the one thing that you love to do so much that you would make sacrifices to be able to do it?
Meeting up with some friends.

81. If you (and everyone) had to lose one right or freedom, but you could pick which one everyone had to lose, what would you pick?
The right to gluttony.

82. If you had to choose would you live on the equator or at the North Pole?
Equator. As much as I love winter, the North Pole is too cold for my liking. The air-con wasn't invented for nothing.

83. Would you rather give up listening to music or watching television?
Watching television.

84. What do you think makes someone a hero?
Selflessness and making sacrifice for others.

85. What cartoon would you like to be a character in?
Digimon.

86. Name one thing that turns your stomach
Direct and non-processed eggs.

87. What was the last thing you paid for?
Entry to the public swimming pool.

88. Are you a coupon clipper?
No.

89. Get anything good in the mail recently?
No. In fact, it was bad news.

90. Which would you rather take as a gym class...dancing, sailing, karate, or bowling?
Karate.

91. In Star Trek, people 'beam' back and forth between different places. What this means is they stand in a little tube and their molecules are deconstructed and sent to another tube somewhere else where they are reassembled. Only problem is when the molecules are deconstructed the person is dead. When they are put back together it is only a clone that has all the dead person's memories. So, is the person who gets beamed the same person on both ends?
FIrstly, with the genetic makeup the same as pre and post-teleportation, biologically, the person on the other end is also the same. Philosophically, if we are to define a person as a collection of his past experiences which made him who he is today, then yes, with the memories still intact, they are essentially still the same person. What is compelling about this hypothetical scenario is that the physical construct of the individual remains the same, thereby removing a variable which could be called into question during an argument based on philosophy.

However, with the disintegration of the individual prior to "beaming" and his "reconstruction" subsequently, there lies a similarity to the concept of reincarnation, with the second individual technically a different person altogether but simply having been "imprinted" with the memories of the first and "reconstructed" in the exact same manner.

92. What insects are you afraid of?
Every insect! I hate insects!

93. If you could print any phrase on a T-shirt, what would it say?
"Stop Staring And Come Talk To Me"

94. What's the most eccentric thing you have ever worn?
None, because I'm a kind of conservative guy when it comes to fashion.

95. If you could pick one food that you could eat all you wanted but it would have no effect on how much you weigh, what food would it be?
I'm going to be a bitch and say that any food I eat has no effect on how much I weigh. Still, my choice would go to cakes.

96. What are your parents interested in?
Me finding a girlfriend and getting married and starting a family. Seriously.

97. Have you ever caught an insect and kept it as a pet?
I used to keep a spider in a container, until it gave birth and hundreds of little spiders hatched out from its egg and my mother immediately threw the entire container down the rubbish chute.

98. What is more helpful to you, wishes or plans?
Plans

99. When do you feel your life energy the strongest?
When I'm around people who appreciates me. And after dinner.

100. You are spending the night alone in the woods and may bring only 3 items with you. What do you bring
My camera, a smartphone, and probably a gun.

-------------------------------------------------------

I actually have a spare ticket to The Andrew Lloyd Weber performance at the MBS to give away. Concert is on the 10th of July, 1.45pm. Drop me a message or call me if you're interested. As usual, terms and condition apply.

To Lead And Be Led

2011-04-17T00:49:00.006+08:00

I have always believed that, when called upon, I was able to lead, to be able to manage a group of individuals effectively to get a job done. During my time in school, I have perhaps deluded myself into thinking that I was in leadership positions - my role in class, in ccas, even in groups. I have always thought that, many times, I was thrust into positions which require some sort of leadership management, and in some ways, these opportunities provided me with experiences on how to be a leader. Duties were never an issue because I was, well, responsible enough, but being able to lead was something I always thought I could manage decently, even if I don't have the charisma like other friends to be natural at it.

I could never be more wrong. Developments over the last couple of weeks had led me to question my so-called "leadership capabilities", or whatever I have of it anyway. Right now, the more I think about this issue, the more I question myself whether I'm cut out to be a leader, even if just an average one.

Maybe my initial misguided thinking stems from the assumption that being a leader is all about being able to get things done efficiency and effectively. That is certainly a desired outcome from a leader, but you know what, any responsible person can also get things done effectively and efficiency. Does that make him a leader? I would guess not. Some believe that the results triumph the process, but when a "leader" comes into the equation, the process suddenly become as important as the result. Taking into account group dynamics, human management and leadership styles, sometimes, the results is dependent on the process. Most importantly, whatever happens act as a reflection of the person in charge. As I tell friends before, anyone who is responsible enough can be in a leadership position, but not everybody can be a leader in that role. I never realised how much truth that statement hold until now, where I find myself questioning just how capable I really am.

I have given it some thought, and I have concluded that my past experiences of "leadership roles" haven't been "leadership" per se, but more of the planning and administrative kind. From managing funds to organisition, these are responsibilities which require more analytical and critical thinking, characteristics which doesn't come to mind first when people think about the qualities of a leader. In fact, the quintessential trait any leader should have is the ability to manage people. My previous appointments certainly didn't give me as much interaction with the people as how a leader should have; in fact, my interaction with people is limited given how my role was all about working behind the scenes for the actual leader. For the times when I do worked in groups, despite my appointment, there was no need for me to exert any form of "leadership" influence at all. How then, did I ever think that I used to be a "leader", that I could manage such diverse personalities and be in-charge of a group?

The first thing that comes to mind when people think about a leader is that charming, eloquent, charismatic person whom everyone respects. that person whom everyone looks up to for inspiration, that person who is able to guide all the unique talents and dynamic personalities of a group into a single focal point leading to eventual success. Being a leader is not an easy task, no doubt about that; it requires one to be proficient and more. A leader, essentially, has to be a people's person, and not many people can pull it off naturally. To some, this is a God-given talent and I really respect them. These are the people whom people like me wouldn't mind working under - because it will be fulfilling and meaningful. For the other ordinary folks, yes, one can learn how to be a great leader, and many schools now have "enrichment classes" for their students on this.

The most common brand of leadership which corporations are teaching is something called the "Servant-Leadership" model, something which, personally, I think is a whole lot of bullshit. Basically it teaches you how to be less power-hungry (aka asshole) when you're in-charge and bring yourself down to work as a "servant' like those under you. As much as my opinion towards such a leadership style is encapsulated in the previous sentence, I think it reflects a serious challenge for any leader - to draw the line between your job scopes and their job scopes. I am not saying that leaders should be elitist and cut a distinction between him and his group members, but I think the need to manage this fine line is imperative to exerting your influence to remind people that you are ultimately in-charge of all proceedings. The point I'm trying to bring across is that, while leaders should get down to the working level of his subordinates to understand them better, he should still realise that his main priority lies in the management of the team and his responsibilities differ from the rest. Having been under different "leaders" and leadership styles, personally, I feel that there is still, at the very least, a need to respect the authority and command of the one at the helm; any lower and he would lose his credibility.

From being indecisive to passivity, my personality flaws have been the shortcomings of any attempted leadership appointments. There are times when I wanted so badly to show everybody that I was on the same level as them that I myself started to question whether was I the one really in-charge. I became the one who was being guided and advised, whose final say rested on what was being said. Then there are times when I kept reminding myself that I was the one in-charge and I took up all responsibilities and did everything single-handedly, until everything collapse, including myself. And for those times when I needed to make a decision, I never really felt confident in myself; I could never say I was 100% confident in any decision I made. Even in my most confident times, there was always this niggling feeling making me questioned was that really the best decision I could make, a second voice in my mind telling me that, if given more time, I could make a more informed and better decision. I could think of contingency plans, but when the time really came, I could never put those plans into place. I trusted the judgement of others more than I trust my own, and I wonder whether I have the mental capabilities to be able to lead a group.

I guess being a leader is all about being somebody, and more. There's this inherent fear that, among all the people you're leading, there is always someone who could do a better job than you, someone who will question your authority and make you questioned your own capabilities. And right now, as much as people keep telling me I'm a leader, or a "commander" to use a more appropriate word, I think I'm failing in my job.

I haven't told anyone this before, but I now think I know why I wasn't cut out for command school.

Let's be honest here - I'm quite an incompetent leader.

You aren't afraid of the team collapsing when you aren't around; you're afraid of them succeeding without you.But remember, when they shine, you shine along with them.

Running From Help

2011-03-27T01:17:00.000+08:00

Right now, I seriously wished I could get into the heads of people and find out what they think of me.

For people who know me, this is probably stating the obvious: I'm a highly self-conscious individual, and I often think I know what kind of impressions I'm giving out. For the most part of it, I control my actions, my behaviour, my emotions and show only what I want to put forth to the public. Then, there are times when someone comes up to me and asks me why do I looked so down, and I start to wonder whether I can really control my body language as well as I can to be able to influence the kind of impressions I want to give out.

Trust me, I am especially grateful to the concern shown towards me, and I have no intention of turning down any help, but at that point in time when that question was asked, I think my mind became more concerned with how that question came about then the intention behind it. Could it be that I am so saturated with emotions that it is beginning to show? For all my efforts in concealing what I don't want people to see , could it be that it is reaching a point where everything is starting to boil over after years of suppression? After building so many mental walls, could it be that cracks are starting to open up? This sounds like a faulty dam, with the pressure of the water threatening to burst the dam anytime now with its gradually weakening structure. It is very melodramatic, but I'm a ticking time-bomb. Indeed, the littlest of things are beginning to tick me off, and while I do still control an unusual amount of self-control, I'm afraid, one day, something will just spark me off and I...actually, I have no idea what will happen if that day finally comes. As masochistic as it may be, I foresee myself hauling vulgarities, hitting someone...flying off the handle basically, or simply just breaking down. Well, aren't all these what happened to people when they finally lose control?

If you must know, I get easily agitated and irritated these few days, and will probably remain this way for an indefinite amount of time until a miracle happens. Maybe some friends are right when they say that I define myself from the work I do, and if so, the fact that my work is getting extremely mundane and pointless is the reason why I feel that life is so purposeless. Applying for scholarships and keeping my fingers crossed reminds me that I do have a life waiting for me outside, that, one day, I could be somebody instead of the drifting spirit I am right now. Writing that somehow reminded me something about wandering spirits and tigers in Joy Luck Club, but I'm too lazy right now to read up on the reference.

Triviality aside, everytime I feel down and out, I will never fail to attempt to rationalise my thoughts and reason out with myself why I am feeling that way. The problem is, I can never find a satisfying enough answer, and yet, I just know I feel that way. People on the other side of the fence can, and will, easily argue that the lack of a reason therefore does not justify my current state of mind, that I should be feeling otherwise. While no doubt a good philosophy to hang on to in life, what is curious is that these people, or most of us in fact, never need a reason to be happy; we just feel happy for reasons unknown. Yet, we try to break down our cognitive processes to discover why we feel sad. What is so different between the two emotional states that one warrants a reason for being so but the other happens just like that? If people can be inherently happy, then couldn't others be sad by nature as well? At the end of the day, I guess 'no reason for sadness' is not the same as 'reason for no sadness'.

I think I just confused myself back there, and I think it reveals a problem with me - I can never explain a point precisely and concisely in the way that I intended it to be. Just as how I cannot rationalise my thoughts at times, I can never explain to people properly things about emotions and all things abstract. Maybe that is one of the reasons why I never talk to people about my problems: because I can never explain it to others in the first place.

Or it could also be because people will never understand.

Call me acute, accuse me of being paranoid, say I'm insecure, but the thing about working in logistics and interacting with so many people is that, after a while, you begin to be able to detect true faces from the false ones. Our subconscious minds are great at detecting microbehaviour, but people in my line of work, or maybe it's just me, I'm starting to be aware (and I think this is the key takeaway) of all these nuances in our facial expressions and body language. The smile which people put up - the social smile I should say - is all about being professional, and I understand that because I am a culprit as well, but sometimes, just sometimes, you just want to see a genuine smile. I used to see that in school, but now, that is something which is seriously lacking in camp and is terribly depressing. You noticed all the forced smiles people put up because they have to and you cannot help but miss all those true display of joy and happiness. It is precisely this reason why it is so difficult to find a reason to be happy. Everything is merely a facade and all of us performers, pretending to be part of the show put up for no one in particular.

It is here that you start to realise, everything is a lie, a deceit, and to accept the truth would shake the foundation of your very beliefs. Sometimes, it is better to live in denial.

Me? I can never accept the truth.

Truth Be Told

2011-03-18T21:19:00.006+08:00

Reblogged from Bicko:
Thanks

I don't expect anyone to understand.
Maybe he's right, maybe he's not.

Giving Up

2011-02-27T02:58:00.002+08:00

I give up.

I think this is the point where I just want to throw my hands up and being contented with sitting down and watch as life pass me by. Like the hapless creature trapped by circumstances, I have lost the will to bring myself up, lost the motivation to do anything, and absolutely lost hope in everything and everyone around me. I am indifferent, perhaps even apathetic, at the state of my surroundings (even if it directly concerns me) and have absolutely no qualms about letting everything collapses. I have no more desire to carry on; it takes too much effort to do so. I can only see two ways out of this: either everything gets miraculously resolved or restarted, or it ends right here. If I had my way, I would certainly prefer the latter, but other than that, there is simply no other alternative.

I think there will come a point in life where you simply can no longer hope, that to continue hoping would be an act of delusion. People often encourage others by claiming that "miracles do happen", but friends, let's not make the fallacy of extrapolating the exceptions as the rule. I am not trying to be defeatist or a pessimist, but sometimes, it just isn't worthwhile to continue trying, that to continue hoping would be blinding oneself to the difficult and painful truth and the harsh realities of whatever problem is afflicting your life. Going by a cost-benefit framework, sometimes, to give up would incur less losses than to carry on, and this is when we have to be rational and open to the solution of giving up. This is when giving up isn't a show of general weakness, but as a form of damage limitation. The price of going on is simply too high; giving up has never been easier. From an economic and psychological perspective, giving up is the better option.

Friends, do not read too much into my next comment (but I am ready for arguments of any sort), but I believe that suicides can be justified. I've been meaning to say this for a very long time, but yes, I do believe that suicides are not entirely unjustifiable. The flaws which I personally find in arguments against suicides are that they always focus on the external, but never on a personal level. Society always accuse the suicidal personnel for failing to consider their relationships and hurting the people who care for said person with the loss, but I personally think it's very easy for us to simply say it retrospectively. It's always easy to say things after something has happened, but have we ever consider that, at that point in time, said person would actually give a hoot about the people around him when the mind is obsessing over the enormity of whatever problem that is enough to warrant suicide as a means to its solutions? I genuinely believe that it is an imperative to understand the psyche of suiciders instead of shaming and dishonouring them. I am not in any way promoting suicide, but I am also not going to condone it; my opinions on the matter is such that it is an unfortunate irreversible end to a long and complicated process.

After all that is said, the world on the other side of the fence is always a better place. Inhabitants of the other side can tell you a million reasons why your side may be better, but when you're stuck in a predicament with no way out and your mind so affixed with such a dreadful situation, you can come up with a million and one reasons why the other side is still better. Any alternative is always better than the current hellhole you're in, at least for the time-being. In the larger scheme of things, it may only be a temporary form of escape, but for the moment, it is a well-meant relieve, and when you run away far enough, the problem might just have lost momentum to catch up to you.

Yes, on the advice of people, I should stop trying to run away, or even avoid, my problems, but for now, it's one step at a time. I have finally come to terms with something that I have been stalling on for a very long time now, and while it isn't entirely resolved, it is at least a step closer to closure. It hasn't been easy, but knowing that I, at the very least, did something about it gives me some sort of solace even though the outcome, or lackthereof, hasn't been what I expected. On the others, I'm still finding the courage to stand up to them and face them head on. I can't help but feel that my previous blog post has been more revealing than usual, and in a way, I guess it's a sign that I'm attempting to accept certain truths about myself.

I'm going to let all of you know something about me. I know I often come across as being indecisive, always vacillating in my thought and unsure of my actions, but deep down, I confess that I already know what I want. I guess you could say that I'm simply trying to be receptive to any alternative suggestions so that every party can get what they want. On a similar line, I need closure and definiteness; things left hanging simply frustrates me because it always leave the possibilites of what is and what not hanging in the air.
At the very least, please answer me.
I don't think it is a coincidence that I have been increasingly told to watch out more for myself than for others, and this is when I admit that it's beginning to get tiring to try and be selfless. I'm on the path of being selfish and self-centered, to take care of my interests more than others, and to ensure I get the pleasures ahead of you. I don't know what came into me, but something inside of me died sometime ago. Nothing good comes from helping others; they never appreciate you. Putting yourself ahead of others means that you get shot first. The sacrifices you make for others means that you have more to lose than the rest of them schadenfreude. It just isn't worth it anymore.
And here I am, obsessing over the past again.
It will come a sad day when I start to lose whatever interest I had in life, when I no longer find pleasures in the activities which I used to take comfort in, from reading to gaming to whatever shit that I used to do, when the simplest of joy is now the most complicated and the things which used to cheer me up no longer cheer me up as easily as they used to.

Today is a sad day.

Right now, I simply want to sleep my life away.

I want to sleep and never wake up.
Because the world is bad and filled with people who are up to no good.

Methinks

2011-02-05T03:36:00.013+08:00

I'm torn.

I'm torn between serving under a great leader, but working for a cause which I absolutely do not believe in. My stance towards the cause is such that, no matter how impressive said leader (or any other for that matter) is, I simply cannot be influenced to change my mindset for the good of the cause. My respect for said leader stems from a deep admiration of his impressive leadership style as well as his affable disposition and my opinions towards him are independent of the circumstances which have forced me to work under him. Taking into account my working environment and all the working relationships, I guess such a regard for a superior can act as some form of motivation to do my work, at the very least, decently. When all's said and done, there are still some things which simply cannot be overlooked no matter how much your boss tries (futilely) to sugarcoat it. These are the things which are, ultimately, the deciding factors; the rest are merely consolations or mild annoyances. It will come a sad day when I finally loose all that motivation (or whatever that's left) and decides to disappoint a leader who places so much faith in me but expect so much as well.

I'm torn.

I'm torn between two extremes all my life and for the most part, I remain still. It is a classic case of Buridan's ass (ironically apt for I'm an ass too)- paralysed by paranoia, fueled by irrationality, killed by indecision. Time passed, events happened, decisions made, everything's over, and yet, I remain obsessed with retrospection, reflecting too much on my actions, emotions and judgements. And for the rest of the things which I haven' made a decision yet, I'm still deciding whether or not to make a decision.

I think I'm too smart for my own good. I have such a great deal of foresight that I'm always able to anticipate how my friends will response when I talk to them about my problems, and because of the foreknowledge derived from the initial assumption, I'm always able to prepare my answer beforehand, whether is it a smokescreen (when I don't want to talk about it any longer but wouldn't mind continuing if said friend is smart enough to see through it) or a diversion (when I'm simply not in the mood to carry on talking). I think there are only two possible scenarios: first, when a friend catches me off-guard, and secondly, when I voluntarily open up to an (un)lucky friend (but why I would do that is beyond me). All these under the assumption that the conditions are favourable for such conversations to take place, namely characters, atmosphere and emotions.

I think my aversion to talking about my problems originate from my inability to come to terms with some of my fears, that I would go too far down the rabbit hole and not being able to crawl back up. I think I'm afraid to face my own inner demons when I'm already feeling so vulnerable and powerless. I think I cannot accept this dark side of me for fear that I can no longer become that glorified, idealised image I always picture myself to become. I think I cannot come to terms with the fact it is also a part of me, and I think that to fully come to terms with it would lead me to an identity crisis. I think I never dared open myself up because there never was anyone in the first place, nor would anyone understand.

I think...that I do think too much.

Please tell me that I'm not. Tell me it's true.

I think, I am pompous and full of shit. I think I'm a compulsive liar.

Give me a sign, an indicator, something direct, anything!

I managed to visit some of the teachers whom I hold in the highest regard during the past couple of weeks, and seeing as to how they have moved on to greener pastures, I wonder what each school means for me now that they're not there. For one, the primary purpose for visiting one's alma mater has gone together with the teachers who contributed mainly to that purpose. In my case at least, that's the thing I looked most forward to when visiting: the engaging, heart-to-heart conversation with a wise teacher-mentor that seriously makes you (re)evaluate your life and think about issues which are clouded by your immaturity. No disrespect to the teachers left, some of whom are still young while others simply personify commitment, but this group of teachers are the kind which I go to for chit-chats, gossips, or some childish humour, or simply to relive their involvement in contributing to the insanity that is my class. Yet, the teachers who have moved on, they are the ones who, in addition to being part of our craziness, exhibit a level of wisdom and sophistication that is needed to ground teenagers' boundless but unfounded dreams, to give the kind of advice that is needed to steer their students back on the right track, to give them hope, to make them realise that there is still a purpose in life.
I'm going crazy. I'm becoming obsessed.
No doubt, I could use some maturity right now. Please, just let me know.

A Bad Start

2011-01-18T23:42:00.001+08:00

Excerpt:
------------------------------
D -1
Sometimes, you have to be someone else before you can discover who you truly are.

D +0
We need a reason for everything - a reason to laugh, a reason to love, a reason to live. We need a reason to feel sad, to feel angry, to display any sort of emotion at all. We need a reason to justify it isn't our fault, a reason to feel vindicated, or a reason to feel unjust. We need a reason for everything and anything, and I guess this is how we all attempt to find a sense of purpose in all this chaos around us.

Regardless of what we do, there is an underlying reason - the motivation - which gives us the reason to do something. That the reason is in the reason itself, as retarded as that may sound, is entirely true. Regardless of what happens, there is a purpose behind it. This gives us purpose, a meaning, a reason for everything.

Now, take away that reason, and everything comes falling apart.

D +1
I'm not your God; I can't perform miracles.
I'm not your fairy Godmother; I can't grant your every wish.
I'm not your pet to be called upon, and neither a slave to do your work.

I'm not all good, because I succumb to evil thoughts.
But I'm also not all that bad, because I want to do good.
I cannot be all that benevolent, because I want to inflict harm on others.
But I'm also not all that evil, because I want to help.

D +2
"How are you going to take care of others when you don't even take care of yourself first?"

D +3
It is times like these when I felt that I have let everyone down.

D +4
I might have reached a point where I have concealed my emotions for so long that I don't know how to express them anymore.

I cannot bring myself to show just how much I care for people, how much I truly appreciate them. I cannot bring myself to express my concern for each one of them.

And I can't bring myself to show them that I'm really not as strong as they think I am.

D +5
"Shaun, are you talking to a butterfly?!"

D +6
The thing about logistics is that, when things go according to plan, well, it should go according to plan, But when things start to go awry, it is their fault and no one else's.

In a way, that's life for you. In a way, it's bloody unfair. In a way, shit happens.

D +7
"But even logistics need a logistic."

Quis custodiet ipsos custodes

D +8
I think logisticians are a sad breed of people.

They work with so many people, but know so little. They have an extensive network, but a small circle. They have numerous connections, but few relationships.

D +9
"Athletes have their friendlies, students have their mock exams, soldiers have their simulated war. But us, we have none of that luxury, none of that training. Our work is very real; we can't have mock paperwork or simulated documentation. There is no such thing as mock logistics. Everything that we do, it affects things, it affects people, it affects plans; it causes things to happen.

...ever come across those little screws in DIY projects? Most people think those little buggers are unimportant; they are mild annoyances put in by manufacturers simply to confuse us, or maybe are "spare parts". These people think: I'm smarter than that. I don't need the manual. I can fix this on my own. I'll just take out the main set, arrange them like in the picture, and assemble them through common sense, And when that happens, everything falls apart.

We? We are the seemingly unimportant small screws; overlooked, under-appreciated and often tossed aside. To be fair, we're already secured before being packaged, because, well, the rest of them are retarded and ignorant. But take us out, unscrew those little screws which are like an eye-sore at times, and everything will collapse.

...and this is why, I need you to be strong. If anything, learn, and grow stronger."

D +10
"Oh gosh it's raining and I'm going to walk through the rain and go take a shower. It's bloody cold and I'm still going to shower in cold water. Am I mad or what?!"
"Shaun, are you talking to yourself?!"

D +11
Pardon my language, but What. The. Fuck.

D +12
I can start, I can visualise the ending, but I can never continue on the journey, and I think this is going to be my downfall in life.

D +13
After such a long period of time, this is a test of your commitment, and to reflect and question yourself just how crazy you might be. If the insanity prevails, then go straight ahead.

D +14
It is times like these when I feel that I don't deserve the goodwill of all those around me.

D +15
If there's anything to be taken out of this trip, is that I might have come out more guarded than before.
------------------------------
I think this trip has not be so much of a training then it is a period of soul-searching.

The Prayer

2011-01-01T22:59:00.001+08:00

Seriously?

2010-12-27T01:30:00.001+08:00

Because time wasted here is better than time wasted in camp.

110. My last name : Ng
109. I was born in : October
108. I am really : Worse off than I look
107. My phone is : Always with me
106. My eye color is : Brown
105. My ring size is : Erm...small?
104. My height is : Short
103. I am allergic to : Non-processed eggs
102. I was born on : A clear winter's night
101. I am annoyed by : My passivity
100: What happened to question 189 : The creator got lazy
99. My bed is : Bigger than yours =p
98: One thing you don’t like about yourself : My insecurities
97. Do you sleep on your side, stomach, or back? : Side
96. How do you vent anger? : Channelling it into sadness and then emo-ing
95. How did your day start off? : Full of dread
94. Do you get along with guys or girls better? : Neither
93. How do you think you look right this moment? : Plain
92. Last person you went to the movies with? : Myself
91. My favorite Holiday is : Halloween!
90. The last CD I bought was : Christmas carols
89. Do you have any siblings? : No
88. What did you do yesterday? : Gaming
87. When in doubt? : Panic, scream and run around in circles.

:::I Do /Do Not Believe In::::

86. Love at first sight? : No
85. Luck? : Yes
84. Fate? : Yes
83. Aliens? : No
82. Heaven? : Yes
81. Hell? : Yes
80. Ghosts? : Yes
79. Horoscopes? : No
78. Soulmates? : No
77. Karma? : Yes

:::Which is Better?:::

76. Drunk or High? : High
75. On the phone or online : Phone
74. Red heads or blondes? : Blondes
73. Blondes or Brunettes? : Brunettes
72. Hot or cold? : Cold
71. Summer or Winter : Winter
70. Chocolate or vanilla? : Chocolate
69. Night or Day? : Night
68. Oranges or Apples? : Apples
67. Curly or Straight hair? : Straight hair

::Here’s What I Think About:::

66. Abortion : Something that should be avoided if I have a say in the matter.
65. Backstabbers : Annoying
64. Parents : We admire and respect other parents more than our own.

:::Last time I:::

63. hugged someone : Too long ago
62. Saw someone : NA
61: Cried in front of someone? : Too long ago

:::Random:::

60. Who is the ditziest person you know : Andrew
59. Who makes you laugh? : Everyone
58. Last show you watched? : CSI
57. What you don’t understand is? : Why am I not normal?
56. The most unsatisfying answer : "Fuck"
55. Something I really miss when I leave home is? : My bed
54. The thing I’m looking forward to the most is? : ORD. ORD. ORD.
53. Tomorrow : Meh
52. Today : Bleh
51. Next Summer : Gah
50. This Weekend : Urgh
49. The person(s) who knows the most about me is : No one understands me, not even you!
48. The most difficult thing to do is? : Expressing emotions
47. I haven’t gotten a speeding ticket : Waiting for my first.
46. The first person I talked to today was : Mother
45. First time you had a crush : HAHAHA! Around secondary school.
44. The one person who I can’t hide things from : Too good for that.
43. Last time someone said something you were thinking : A few days ago
42. Right now I am talking to? : Myself
41. What is your dream job? : A clinical psychologist
40. First job? : Making popcorn.
39. I have had these pets : A dog and some fishes
38. I can still see : Everything that I choose to see
37. The worst sound in the world is : The ringing of my house phone.
36. The person who makes me cry the most : Everyone.
35. Best sound in the world? : Your voice
34. Who makes you happy? : You
33. Cats or dogs? : Dogs
32. Myspace or Facebook : Facebook
31. Mexican food or Chinese? : Chinese
30. My favorite piece of clothing? : My jacket
29. My favorite color(s) are : Blue, black and white.
28. Last time I cried : recently
27. My friends : range from the crazies, to the sentimentalists and to the ones who dare to change the world.
26. My computer is? : getting old.
25. Last person I got mad at : Last week
24. Person you secretly crush on? : It'll no longer be a secret then will it?
23. Favorite place to eat? : Home
22. Favorite song : Itsumo Nando Demo (Always With Me)
21. The all-time best show is : Jurassic Park
20. The all-time best feeling in the world is : Being appreciated.
19. Favorite scent : My bed
18. What color is your hairbrush : White (and it's a comb)
17. Favorite shoes : My pair of Clarks
16. I lose all respect for people who : inavdes my privacy
15. Favorite channel to watch : AXN
14. Favorite food : Tofu
13. Favorite day of the week : Friday
12. Best Feature(s) in the opposite sex : Their beautiful smile
11. The worst pain I was ever in was : alone
10. Best Memory : Graduation.
9. Favorite TV show? : Digimon
8. My favorite singer/band : Hayley Westenra
7. Favorite Stuffed Animal : My lamb from Burberry
6. Greatest Fear : Being alone.
5. My weakness is : A very big soft spot in my heart
4. When was your last concert : Last Monday
3. Who broke your heart : You.
2. One thing that makes you feel great is : being appreciated
1. One person that you wish you could see right now? : Anyone on my mind.

Fragmented Imaginations

2010-12-26T00:15:00.001+08:00

Learn to be lonely

People often like to ask me what it feels like to be the only child, and as much as it's an honest and sincere question in attempting to know me better, I think it's quite a silly one. You see, such questions are always largely situational, and there is no one definite answer which feels particularly satisfying. I think asking only-child(s) that question is like asking anybody whether they enjoy company or not. Of course there will be times when all of us feel the desire to be alone no matter how much of a social butterfly one is. Likewise, there are also times when we certainly desire company even for the most extreme of wallpapers. And so, my answer goes like this: it's quite lonely being the only child at times, and of course I wouldn't mind another sibling, but I guess I have gotten accustomed to solitude over the years so it makes no difference for me now; any company is just a bonus.

Ask anyone with siblings and there's a good chance that they'll tell you they rather be the only child, but probe further and they'll admit that they love their sibling enough to not want to be without one. I used to think that this question is a pretty balanced argument, with the Fors and Againsts for each side countering each other perfectly. But the more I discuss the question with people, and from my own general observations, I think people with siblings tend to have the better deal out of this.

One thing I enjoy about being the only child is the chance for me to be truly home alone, and whenever that happens, I do things that I definitely won't do in front of others; it's like I become a completely different person. Imagine having the whole house to yourself, with no supervision, no one to tell on you, the opportunity to do some crazy shit is only bounded by your imagination and your sanity. But I think this also reveals how much secrets only-child(s) harbour, more so than their counterparts, and for anybody to truly understand them, you need to catch them in their most natural condition. But the irony here lies in the fact that, if you're able to catch them in their most natural condition, then it means they are no longer, in all sense of the word, alone, so you might not see their true self even then.

I admit, I always look forward to having the whole house to myself. It's like having your comfort zone expanding from your room to your home and for that period of time by yourself you get to do the stuffs you never dare do when others are around. But, like I said earlier, I wouldn't mind a sibling or two, because company always make the good stuffs even better. This desire for companionship is never so intense than during occasions such as these where it feels especially lonely. Yes, I can be my own company, but I have to admit there's just this longing to spend special events (it's Christmas for crying out loud!) with someone close. Maybe I'm being traditional, but I believe that the celebration of any special occasion should be done in the company of loved ones. There could be gatherings regularly, but the feeling of getting together during such occasions feels more heartwarming compared to ordinary days where it can be feel rather mundane at times.

I had been told before that, having been used to being alone, I rarely will seek out company and this will affect my relationship. I don't know what other people think of me, but I do admit that I find my introversion a little too extreme at times. Sometimes, I wonder what's holding me back, what's causing me so much passivity in action. Could it be that, just as how I'm accustomed to being alone, playing around with my thoughts to keep myself entertained and not acting them out has, subconsciously, shaped my personality throughout the years?

There are a few school of thoughts regarding how our personalities are formed. Correct me if I'm wrong, but the first is our personalities are fixed right from the start when we are biologically created, so not only do the genes being passed down determine how we look, but it also affect how we behave. This is the say we will share very similar characters with either or both of our parents. The next school of thought is that our mind, when we first enter the world, is like an empty disk, and as we interact more of the world as we aged, our experiences are "imprinted" and we learn how to behave, which subsequently shapes our personality. The third is a combination of the two, with different people having different opinions of which one plays a more dominant role in determining our personality.

Me? I don't know whether to blame nature or nurture (or both) for making me this way. Mother used to tell me that I always have the stubbornness of my father, and my sometimes excessive critical judgement is also an undesirable inheritance from the same source. Yet, she cannot deny that my display of meekness is partly a result of her. And then there is also my experience as the only child which, I believe, contributes to my reticence. There are also many other factors which could have played a part, but right now I'm feeling quite schizophrenic just writing about this.

So here I am, home alone on a day which was supposed to be Christmas, or what's left of it anyway. I'm not feeling the festive spirit, less so than last year, and apart from some attempt at celebrating, it has been pretty uneventful up to the actual day itself, and I guess the last holiday of the year is reflective of how my year has been overall. Uneventful in the sense that this year, for the most part of it, was not led with childish enthusiasm. Uneventful in the sense that this year was better much forgotten. Uneventful in the sense that I cannot see where my life is heading at the moment. It's coming the end of the year, most people are looking forward towards the next with some form of irrational excitement and anticipation while I'm filled with dread and trepidation. The sole consolation of each passing day is the countdown towards that much-sought after 3 letters of salvation, and even then, it seems like a bloody long time.

What I'm doing now may be considered as a "service to the nation", but I see it as work. And because of such a view, I finally understand why so many adults are always talking up the idea of a vacation, a get-away, or anything that can just help them unwind come the end of the year. It is a bonus awarded to oneself for all the work they had done and all the shit they went through during the year, and it is definitely necessary in preserving one's sanity. Sad to say, I haven't had one even though I badly need it, and the only source of comfort I can take out of my current predicament is the support of everyone around me and their unanimous acknowledgement that I am overworked. All of us are underpaid, but none more so than me, and this is where I question whether my commitment, if measured in monetary value, is worth it. I want to continue, but I've been bitching so much that I'm also quite annoyed by it, not to mention anyone else who are unfortunate enough to be on my receiving end.

Whenever we hope, it is intrinsically for the light at the end of the tunnel. Hope is the light that guide us through our darkest hour, the source of hope (oops) that keeps us going towards the light. While it will never light the path for us, that tiny bit of illumination is sufficient in lighting up the darkest shadows. Yet, can we still hope when the end of the tunnel leads to the darkest nights, when the same darkness which envelops you in the tunnel will continue shadowing you even after you leave. When all is really lost, where does hope come in? Is hope even needed?

Is there hope?
------------------
So, um, Merry Christmas I guess. Don't let me spoil your festive spirit, because I know I will if you want me to.

Learn to find your way in darkness

The Road Is Too Long

2010-12-05T01:20:00.002+08:00

I need to whine and bitch, so please mind me.

It's going to be Christmas, I'm supposed to be in the festive mood and you know, just being all cheery and stuffs because it's the season of joy and giving and all that. But I'm not, not one single bit. I tried to take in the atmosphere and all, and sometimes, just sometimes, my mood do get lifted up by the carols which I love so very much, but it's only temporary. I get back to my old and moody self a few hours later and I'm starting to not enjoy Christmas as much as I used to.

What I used to love about this holiday was the anticipation leading up to the actual day itself, and then on the actual day itself, with the big gathering and the loud noises and most importantly, opening presents and getting jealous at others who got better gifts than you. Sad to say, recently, while the anticipation is still here, the build up is kind of exciting, it dies down on the actual day itself. Last year, there were some celebrations (I won't forget the one I had with my CCA), the build up was good and then the mood just disappeared on the actual day. I still remembered I spent that day at home like any other day with no inkling it was Christmas at all. And you know what, it's going to suck even more this year because I already know that it's going to be a lonely Christmas this year since my mother told me to make my own plans since she'll be having dinner with her cellgroup members. It's just terribly depressing to know that, after all the fun I had in decorating the house and planning for the class party, the celebrations are just going to stop there and with it, the mood. Unlike other normal people I just lost the mood for Christmas. Whatever happened to being with loved ones during this festive season?

I used to look forward to Christmas with lots glee, but I don't anymore, and I think that pretty sums up my attitude towards life at the moment. I absolutely have nothing to look forward to in life at the moment, and the things coming up are filling me up with lots of dread instead. For the past few years, come the end of the year, I'll imagine how my life the next year would pan out - from my studies and the stress that accompanies it, to my friends and the crazy things I might do, and every other random thing that comes to mind. My point is that, there was always something for me to look forward to, even if it was something as sucky as a major exam like O or A levels. This year, no matter how wild my imagination is, I cannot form a picture of my life next year; it's just a blank piece of black which comes to mind. And on the off chance that an image do come to mind, it's usually not a pleasant image so I'll not describe it here.

If there's a word which can captures the full purposeless-ness of life, a state that is beyond that of stagnation, I guess that would be the word to describe my life right now. My birthday no longer have any special meaning for me, Christmas has became a tease which is better avoided, and life has now lose all of its glory and wonder.

Don't get me started about the shit that comes with the letters N and S. Save your bullshit about how it's a great opportunity to learn and experience things you can only dream of. FFS I'll rather not go through them and lead a proper life. And then there are the slackers and the skivers who only make you think: at the end of the day, we'll all leaving this hellhole together regardless of what happens, why am I still putting in effort? There is nothing for me to work towards to, and ranting about this makes me remember why I find all of these so pointless in the first place ever since day 1. There seems to be some screwed up value inside of me which prevents me from slacking like how many of them do, that I have to simply go through all those shit as difficult as they are just so that I can torture myself. There are two things to be taken away here. First, I could be a masochist. Second, determination has became an undesirable trait.

And then there are other problems which I never dared talk about nor admit, and even when I do talk about them, I can never know how to bring them across properly and everything just comes off as crap which even I do not understand. There are things which I simply do not expect people to understand. As for the rest of them, you won't anyway.

Dear, God, please let this be my prayer to you. Help me find my purpose in life, to know what you have planned for me. I pray for the strength to carry on, to be able to witness the full extent of your glory and power. I pray for hope, an epiphany, a revelation, that I may see your light and be guided by your hands. Remove the darkness within me. Amen.

Someone, anyone, please promise that you'll wait for me as I walk through this tunnel alone.

Your Deepest Darkest

2010-11-06T04:00:00.001+08:00

Stars, hide your fires

I have a confession to make. Actually, no. I have a lot of confessions to make.

I have found a certain pleasure in irresponsibility, and it's quite unbecoming of me to say the least. Yet, I'm beginning to understand the thrill and excitement, things which are lacking in my life, that comes with the act of being irresponsible and not once caring about the consequences. I have done things which are slightly uncharacteristic of me, and while there's some amount of exhilaration to be riveted in, I do admit that my conscious is still tugging me a little. These are not things which I'm going to lose any sleep over, and it's well, good (for lack of a better word) that I still have some moral consciousness in me, but at the rate I'm going, or rather, how my life is going, I might one day do something which the upright 'me' might regret, though I'm not sure how the new 'me' might react afterwards.

I confess that it's getting more and more difficult to hang on to my values, principles, morals...basically everything I believe in. These are the things which I try to lead my life by ever since I develop a conscious as I was exposed to the world; the beliefs which I formulate by myself as I navigate through my life. And now, I'm questioning all of them, and now, I want to defy them. I want to defy the expectations of what people have of me and shock them with things I never knew I was capable of doing, and I don't mean in a positive manner.
Do I?
This act of rebellious, if you may call it, is precisely what I've been warned against when I enlisted into the army. However, everyone was confident that I am, as I always have been, morally mature enough to resist whatever temptation of wickedness that might come my way; that my good sense will prevail and I will choose the right path. They are right, in a way, but nobody ever warned me against myself, that I would be my own catalysis in my own degeneration. And this has got me to wonder whether the way I carried myself for the last 10 years was simply a reflection of all the expectations which were imposed on me, and that now, with all my darkest thoughts and deepest desires, is truly me.

Human beings are the greatest actors on earth. Putting it in a nicer sounding way, our ability to adapt is no doubt one of our most essential survival skills. Each one of us has our own dominant personality, but in whatever situation, we are able to change and act in a way which is determined by how we want others to see us. We could seem to be the most fun-loving person around, or we could choose to be introverted and never speak unless spoken to; we could decide whether to be kind and helpful, or remain passive; to be able to present both sides of the personality spectrum such that we want people to only see us from a certain angle. This is why horoscope or any other new-age 'science', while amusing as it is and always seem to contain a modicum of truth, has results which all of us could relate to because our nature are always changing with the environment. It is precisely because of this that makes human beings one of the most complex, and certainly deceptive from another point of view, creatures ever. Then again, this is conventional wisdom because even Shakespeare so beautifully declare that "one man in his time plays many parts".

Every once in a while I would come across something which would describe perfectly my state of life at the moment and for now, this is it. It isn't just the tune but the lyrics to this folk song is just so powerful. The poetry to the song is simply lovely and it has a special place in my heart. It's just that when it played again a few days back I started tearing up for God-knows-what reason and the lyrics just keep looping around my head.

Maybe I'm a sentimentalist, but I have an, some would say, unhealthy, obsession with attributing some of my memories to things such as lyrics or tunes or just some arbitrary object. Sometimes, it isn't a conscious effort; the relation just appeared magically. Maybe some part of something is just a perfect cue to remind me of something and it would almost be impossible for me to break that relation. And then whenever something happens and I no longer want to be reminded of it I would attempt to avoid all potential cues which could bring the memory back out. Now, I must say that when I actually try to forget something, I can actually do a damn good job. I seem to have this uncanny ability to suppress (because to erase a memory is actually impossible unless this) any memory that requires forgetting (probably from years of experience), including the cues from the respective memorabilia. But, what I forgot to forget is the emotional cues which comes from the memorabilia (because those are the hardest to forget) and when that happens the memories all come flooding back in and oh I don't know how to explain this any further. I hate it that I find something to regret at every point in my life and it makes me wonder what I'm doing with my life. It makes me question whether I'm prepared to seize any opportunities in the future and I really don't like how I'm often so passive because of some underlying reasons. And I hate it even more when some random sentence or phrase or whatever shit seems to jolt my memory into remembering something which I'm trying so hard to forget even when there's no apparent connection to it in any bloody way.

I'm actually discovering some form of comfort in talking to strangers. There's no worry about being judged because the other party doesn't know you in the first place. You don't have to worry about friends looking at you differently because strangers aren't your friends. Finally, you don't have to worry about the things you say because they'll most likely forget about it once the conversation ended. I think this is seriously a flip side to all those arguments condemning the dangers of anonymity and faceless conversations. I also think that I have reached a point where I need to talk to friends, people I can trust, before everything within me explodes and I start doing rash things.
I need a miracle.
I know this is extremely cliche, but there's something missing in my life but I just don't know what. I cannot derive any meaning or purpose and whatever spark within me has long since been extinguished. I do hope the 4 days away from army next week could do me some good, but I wouldn't be surprised if I come out of that slightly worse off.
A guiding light.
Let not light see my deep and dark desires.

Do I Dare?

2010-10-24T21:19:00.002+08:00

Hurry up get a boyfriend so I can forget about you, you silly girl.
The forgetting starts now.
On a completely unrelated note, it took my approximately 2 years to forget Purple Cloud.

The Force of Love

2010-10-23T05:32:00.009+08:00

The Force of Love: A Psychological Look at Love in the Star Wars Universe

In George Lucas’ Star Wars, the universe, according to Force-users, was being divided between the Light Side and the Dark Side. The Jedi, heroes of the Republic, wielded the Light Side of the Force and were considered the heroes throughout the films. The antagonist, the Sith, were wielders of the Dark Side of the Force and sworn enemies of the Jedi. Even though this concept of the Force was conceptualised in a galaxy far far away, an analysis of the teachings of both the Jedi and the Sith, especially with regards to how they utilised the Force, revealed certain truth about us human beings. With all their fanciful technologies, their universe, at least on a psychological perspective, isn’t as advanced as it is right now and this revelation could possibly shed some light on our own cognitive behaviours.

“There is no emotion, there is peace.
There is no ignorance, there is knowledge.
There is no passion, there is serenity.
There is no death, there is the Force.”
-The Jedi Code

Essentially, what the Light Side taught was the need to be tranquil, serene and rational especially when it came to our emotions. Even in the most heated of situation, the Jedi were supposed to remain calm and not be embroiled in the chaos surrounding them. This behaviour was best exemplified by many of the Jedi Masters throughout the entire trilogy, from Qui-Gon Jinn in The Phantom Menace just as his duel with Darth Maul was interrupted by force shields, to Luke Skywalker’s final showdown with Darth Vader in The Return of the Jedi as he attempted to ignore the Emperor’s repeated taunting. Jedi, at the very least, were taught to let go of their emotions and connect with the Force in order to remain composed and retained their rational sense of judgement. Such discipline to control the emotions is perhaps considered the ideal behaviour; we only need to look at the numerous reports of “crimes of passion” to understand the dangers of our own impulsive nature when our judgement is being clouded. After all, it is our ability to control our emotions that separates us from the other animals. In reality, however, we can never achieve suck a state of enlightenment. We can never be completely detached from our emotions as the Jedi preaches, and the dangers of doing so is perfectly illustrated by a well-loved character: Anakin Skywalker.

Perhaps, one of the most controversial teachings of the Jedi was it forbids attachment to anybody. In theory, at least, it seemed like a good practice; without any feeling of attachment and the resulting feeling of possession, it prevents jealously from arising. And yet, this idea in itself challenges the hierarchy of needs proposed by Abraham Maslow. By doing away with any forms of attachment and eventual relationships, labelled as “Love and Belonging” in the pyramid, this psychological needs, so essential to our emotional wellness, has already been compromised. In the movie, when Obi-Wan alluded to Anakin’s private relationship with Padme and warned about the dangers, it perhaps set a dangerous precedent in exposing a flaw of the Jedi community: despite being connected through the Force and studying about its powers, the Jedi are not so much of a family, or even a community, but simply a group of like-minded people living together. From a psychological perspective, it is then understandable why Anakin was so disgruntled by his Jedi teachings and eventually lured by the powers of the Dark Side. His character is possibly one of the few whom we can most relate to on an emotional level and this certainly helped to catapult him into the well-loved villain which we have all came to recognise in cinema history.

Whether as an observer or an active participant, there is something about forbidden romance which completely captivates us. This was the situation we find the lovers in during the prequel. Both Anakin and Padme clearly understood the consequences should their relationship be made public, with the danger more apparent for Anakin than it was for Padme. Yet, being so enamoured with each other, and driven by their passion of love towards one another, they successfully managed to keep their relationship away from the public eye. By entering into such a relationship, especially with a senator of the state, Anakin had already gone against his teachings by allowing his passion to rule his judgement. Conventional wisdom seems to suggest the same consequence which would eventually plagued our hero; from the high-flying career man to the average commoner whom, driven by their passion, begin to enter into an affair which threaten the relationship they are currently in and even their careers. Throughout the course of history, or brain has evolved to give us the capacity for rational thoughts through our pre-frontal lobe, and because of this, any moment of irrationality is look down upon as losing our self. That for us to give in to the rawest of emotions such as passion is to revert back to our “natural” self where we rely on our most basic animalistic instincts to survive.

If we were to isolate the relationship between Anakin and Padme and watch its progress through the course of the prequel, it would make for quite a romance story. Romantic passion is always considered a great and wonderful thing no matter the time or space and has long captured the imagination and fantasies of the mind. Yet, such discouragement from it in the ways of the Jedi would certainly lead to some form of disillusion with such a teaching. For Anakin, and especially for us, a world without love and passion is simply inconceivable.

Which is why, for any Jedi to achieve “passionless serenity”, they were often taken away since young to be trained. Each generation of new Jedi trained together, forging friendship, but never love. Each of them was bonded by a form “attachless attachments” such that it complied with the Jedi Code. Having been taken away from their family, they already lost one of the closest attachment they would ever get and this, in a way, constituted part of their training already. In this way, it could be said that since the Jedi had never before experienced passion derived from intimate relationships, it prevented them from succumbing to such an emotion. Anakin, being the exception to this rule, seemed to have form an attachment to Padme from the first movie, which would eventually developed into a romantic passion that can be described as the “most beautiful feeling” in the world. As such, Anakin’s ability to recognise the pleasure from such a feeling of attachment was what made him such a difficult student to teach the ways of the Force to.

If the Jedi are meant to represent the pinnacle of our cognitive functions, then the Sith are probably the most debase of our kind. In stark contrast, they drew power from their passion. This is clearly reflected in the Sith Code, which stood as the antithesis of the Jedi Code.

“Peace is a lie. There is only passion.
Through passion, I gained strength.
Through strength, I gained power.
Through power, I gained victory.
Through victory, my chains are broken.
The Force shall set me free.”
-The Sith Code

Indeed, the simplicity of the code of the Sith is reflective of their ways - a direct path to achieve a single goal. Perhaps, this is also why it is easier to go down the path of the Dark Side if one is without proper guidance. This is not to say that anyone who experienced negative emotions are set on that path. Rather, it is having negative emotions reinforced by another negative emotion, so on and so forth, that the victim is on downward spiral of “dark” emotions. This is summarised by Master Yoda, who, in typical wise fashion, declared that “fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” The path to the Dark Side, it seemed, is through a “step-by-step” basis, and for the Light-users who are trained to combat against such thinkings, they need to remove each step on the stairway towards the Dark Side. Such a way of thinking, if it were indeed true, bares some similarity to a commonly used treatment known as Cognitive Behaviour Therapy.

Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, or CBT in short, is practiced by psychoanalyst to treat clinical disorders such as anxiety or mood disorders. Patients are taught to recognise when their mental processes go awry, question their cognitions and assumptions and eventually replace their usual thought-process with a more reasonable and rational one. In general, CBT teachers patients how to be rational with their emotions.

However, the shortcomings of CBT ironically lie in the treatment itself; because we can only be rational when we are not experiencing intense emotions, the treatment fails when we are in the midst of one. As implied throughout, emotions can at times be so over-whelming that it causes us to lose our rational mind. Anakin embodied this perfectly during the climatic scene where, coerced by Palpatine, sliced off Master Windu’s hand just when good seemed to have triumphed over evil. What is significant in this scene with regards to Anakin’s behaviour is, underlying his anger and confusion, remains his love for Padme. Yet, that a feeling so pure and romanticised could lead to such a drastic change in character is perhaps unsurprising, to say the least. How often have we witnessed people doing the unimaginable simply in “the name of love”? We have obsessed lovers, driven by jealously, stalking their significant others. And then there are the more violent “crimes of passion” as mentioned earlier. Beneath all of this is the common denominator of love. Never has there been any other emotion that could lead to such a wide spectrum of behaviours and subsequent emotions.

It is not all that difficult to argue that love, ultimately, was what caused Anakin to succumb to the Dark Side. After all, it was his love for her that drove him to seek the power to save her when he had a premonition about her death. Such a desire was so great that he protected the person who wielded the knowledge to save Padme’s live, which coincidentally was the same person whom Anakin swore to destroy when he became a Jedi. Such passion was precisely what the Jedi were preaching against but which the Sith longed after. For all that is said, the fact that it is an emotion which could sway a person to become good or bad is telling of how much our emotions drive us, both physically and psychologically.

The moral ambiguity of the aforementioned scene is an interesting one. Anakin, in an attempt to save his wife, played a direct role in the death of one of his Master. Evidently, such was the love he held for Padme that he could not bear to let her go. Let us imagine, for a while, that Anakin did the “right” thing and allowed Palpatine to be arrested by Mace Windu, but at the expense of his wife. From such a perspective, our moral compass will declare that the victory, despite costing the death of a lover, is still a victory nevertheless. The fact that we already knew that Padme was going to die regardless of what happened made it easy to declare that Anakin made the wrong choice in the actual progress of the film. However, let us imagine once again that Padme did survive at the expense of Mace Windu. What would our moral compass say then in this hypothetical change of events?

If our love one was in danger, how far would we go to save him/her? Likewise, if we have pre-conceived knowledge that our love one was going to die, and there is indeed a solution for it, how desperate are we to try and prevent the inevitable? Lastly, how many of us can simply stand and watch someone we love die without us not even trying anything? Such was the position that we find Anakin in that his dilemma and fall from grace is so human that we are able to relate to him on a psychological level.

This has not been a moral argument trying to defend the actions of Anakin Skywalker in the name of love more than it is a critical analysis of his thought process as he became Darth Vader. For all of human beings’ cognitive superiority, we are essentially still emotional creatures; how often do we still hear people telling us to “go with our feelings”? There lies a fine line between emotions and rationality and to be able to seek a balance one, whether through psychological or scientific breakthroughs, will certainly cause a paradigm shift in the way we look at ourself. That, above all, love is still the undercurrent throughout the entire trilogy is testament to its everlasting power and its eternal hold on our minds.You deserve better.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the appex of my insanity. Because you know we can't.

Stripped Bare

2010-10-20T19:09:00.002+08:00

I was participating in this arbitrary, seemingly harmless test which asks us to state 7 qualities which should be in our ideal best friend. My 7 include:
1) Sensitive
2) Understanding
3) Caring
4) Appreciative
5) Jovial
6) Humble
7) Patient

Next, we were asked to strike off 2 qualities, followed by another 2, so that we're left with 3 qualities. Seeing as to how I did something similar to this before, and being the arrogant bastard that I am, in my mind I was already anticipating what the instructor was going to tell us: oh, the remaining qualities are the qualities which you see as most important in life and this is how blah blah blah... or the remaining qualities are your strongest qualities and you should use be aware of this in your life so that blah blah blah...

I could never be more wrong.

Just so you know, my final 3 qualities were:
1) Sensitive
2) Patient
3) Caring

Apparently, these 3 qualities are my greatest weaknesses. And when that was announced, I was honestly shocked, surprised and stunned.

I'm still trying to comprehend it, but I never felt so vulnerable nor confused before.

Last One Standing

2010-10-17T18:50:00.001+08:00

I was meaning to post something I wrote in camp, but some of it scares me when I re-read it and I finally decided again it. It was too personal anyway to go on a public space.

My life right now is at a complete standstill. Yes, life inherently has no purpose, but I can't seem to derive any purpose from it in my current situation. Well, except maybe to get the hell out and resume my life proper after that. The thing right now is I'm reminded of my position in society. From probably one of the biggest fish in a small pond, I'm now one of the smallest fish in a big pond, and really, I'm surprised at how short-sighted and naive I was back a few weeks ago. In a way, it reminds me of what the real world consists of, something which I seem to have forgotten ever since I got out of school. If there's any form of consolation to be taken out of my current context, it really forces me to (re)consider what I'm doing with my life at the moment. Two years down the road, I cannot comprehend the thought that, when asked about my memories during this time, it is simply a void - I'm just a wandering spirit. I make it a point that, for every chapter of my life (CatHigh, AJ, army, at least for the moment) I have something significant to talk about, something memorable to remember. Judging by how things are going, I cannot seem to take anything 0ut of it. Maybe it's too early for me to judge, but I can't seem to break out of that feeling of incarceration and that subsequent feeling of insignificance and meaninglessness. I seriously need to do something with my life.

If anything, being stuck in logistics for now has certainly made me realised that I do not want to do logistics in the future. Ok, maybe I don't mind doing it again in the future, but I definitely do not want to do it in such an organisation. It gets incredibly frustrating where you start to see all the nonsense that is going on within the organisation. Seriously, some of the things are just so plain retarded that you can't help but wonder what was going on in the mind of that idiot who decided to put in place such ridiculousness. And don't get me started on the efficiency, I meant the lack thereof, within the organisation. If it were not a Big Brother corporation I wouldn't be surprised if it has collapsed by now, and one can only fear for its outcome when the thing which it is supposed to protect us from starts terrorising everyone of us. It is things like this which get me, and I'm sure I'm not the only one, so disgruntled and which eventually translate into our outlook on life. I believe such thoughts of "I hate desk-bound jobs" arise from such moments in life.

The more I think about it, the more I feel like I don't deserve this. In some ways, I'm getting a rank simply because of the responsibilities I'm undertaking, unlike the real ones who are conferred responsibilities because of their rank. It's really quite a cheap shot, and I know of people who are far more deserving than I do, not only now, but in life and all. As the cynics used to tell me, the rank is granted to us only so that we can sign documents and have more shit thrown at us. In another context I might be relishing the pressure and challenges, but not when my parent unit is kind of screwed up and it's difficult to work in such an environment. All I'm saying is, I don't know whether I should see this posting as a lucky break despite what people keep saying to me. Oh I don't know, I'm very confused these few days.

I have reached a point in life where writing isn't as cathartic as it used to be. Maybe it's the lack of thoughts in my mind, but this isn't the first time where I deleted everything I've wrote simply because I wasn't satisfied with it. It takes a lot for me to get excited nowadays.

Life right now is, well, just that.

PS: I love this story. It is so bloody abstract.

Everything Is Going To Be All Right

2010-09-24T21:43:00.002+08:00

How should I not be glad to contemplate
the clouds clearing beyond the dormer window
and a high tide reflected on the ceiling?
There will be dying, there will be dying...
The sun rises in spite of everything
and the far cities are beautiful and bright.
I lie here in a riot of sunlight
watching the day break and the clouds flying.
Everything is going to be all right.

I hope.

Extracted from http://www.endean.com/, because I can't write that well.